No one ever tells you how stressful life can be.
Thinking of the future and of the ways you can get to where you want to be.
College has been making me feel so depressed. I'm expected to do great by my family and I've been trying but that hasn't stopped me from almost failing every exam.
So I stress over that.
I need to figure out what university to transfer to that wont throw me into a massive amount of debt. But of course with no money, that seems inevitable.
I've saved money from working at a fast food restaurant, but with what's happening to my grandpa I've been having to pay bills at home because my mom stopped working.
Now my bank account is dwindling each month so that money will soon be gone and i'll have to start all over.
I haven't complained about it much though because I knew that I was helping. That while I may have been set back in my plans, that I was making some sort of difference to the struggles my mom faced.
And that still isn't enough.
With all this stress, of course I want a day where I can forget everything. Where for just a moment I can forget that slowly my world is falling apart and have some form of fun.
And in the end I get scolded for being a "wild child".
And yet I don't drink, I don't take drugs, I don't go out to parties, and I've been using my savings for the family.
None of that matters though.
As far as my family is concerned, I seem to be this deadbeat who only knows how to go out at night and ruin her life.
All of this, because I want an escape from what's happening. Because I went on an overnight trip to a culture festival and for wanting to be with my boyfriend for his birthday.
What my family, may not understand is that I try. I tried to keep my job, but got fired for some bullshit reason, I try to get good grades and study to the point where I become so exhausted that I want to throw up. I try to stay calm and keep a smile on my face while struggling for some semblance of peace.
I try not to think how easier it may have been to take my life when things got too rough. I tried not to have a panic attack when I got the news that I was fired from a job that made me feel like i was doing something right in my life. I tried not to cry when my grandma told me how disappointed she was in me with the way I've been handling my life outside of class.
And yet here we are now.
I feel worthless.
Why am I trying so hard for a dream that seems to escape me.
Why do I try to keep a smile on my face when all I want to do is stay in bed all day and cry.
Why do I play off saying I want to kill myself so many times.
I'm starting to think I want to.
But that wouldn't solve anything.
I'm stuck in this limbo of pretending none of this phases me.
Smiling and cracking wise remarks when in reality I'm breaking.
And tomorrow this routine will start again.
School. Study. Smile. Stress.
Strive for perfection and success.
But in the end, I feel like the bad guy in all of this mess.
I'm just so tired.
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