it's amazing really. Just a few days over 8 months since I last posted in here.
I just re-read through it. How sad I was. You can see the torment I was putting
myself through. Still acting, while saying otherwise, that I did not deserve to
fall in love again. Though I had come such a long way since my beginning.
I was still so down on myself.
Years. Years passed and I was still doing that. Just saying I wasn't..
But 8 months from then. It probably really ended for me when he told
me he had sex with him. I did not react. There was nothing left of me to
react. I had been holding on my threads to keep myself together.
To justify the pain I was putting myself in. To see so many things I was
not happy with go by and act like it was okay. But those words. I am not sure
he ever even meant to speak to me, since he said it while drunk. They
were it. I could no longer see him at the end. Not the way I had before.
I had not touched another. or allowed another to touch me. even when I
wanted it.Kept myself devoted even when I saw him slipping away.
His words to keep me close felt less loving and more desperate.
I was not longer sure if I was there because he loved me or simply didn't
want to lose me.
For a while I became bitter. with every "I love you" "I still think about you"
a hateful burning began to set in me. I chocked back my feelings
on the matter. At that point, not knowing what the point would be if I did
speak out. When I said it back. Wrote it back, though it back. It did not
change the fact that he would still live with him. Still sleep beside him.
He had still had sex with him. And though he had made many statements of
not being happy. he was not going to leave him.
Somehow we ended where we started.
Suddenly Spencer was Shivers. I was the best friends. I listened, was
the shoulder to cry on and gave advice to honestly help them. But unlike the time
before when thoughts turned to "I can show her how I would treat her if she were
mine" I reminded myself he knew. He knew what I would do and be for him.
It was not enough. I stepped beside myself. I had done all I could have without giving up myself. And with only those two options left, I let go.
I didn't see anyone. or search. I just focused on living. Months later. I realized it
didn't hurt anymore to think of him. And it didn't hurt to think of me without him.
That is when I started looking. I had so much I wanted to give another person.
I told myself the search will be slow. And I knew I couldn't afford to just let anyone
in again. No chances. No gamble. No maybe this could work if... The next person
would be someone who is where I am at in my life. I didn't have to wait. I didn't have to guess or hope.
By chance I met Evie. It was my first msg that brought us together.
It was a nice change. And by our first meeting. She had my heart pounding.
I allowed it this time. We were honest with each other about our feelings
and wants in life. Determined to end things asap if we had differences. But
we didn't. We match very nicely. For weeks we tried to find reasons we wouldn't work. Both nervous to admit that love could be easy. That there didn't
have to be some catch.
When I met her family I was certain I would meet my match. They were
also Mormon. But instead I was welcomed. Some openly praising me for making Evie happy. Some respectfully giving me a nod that they recognized me as a good person. Though their thoughts on the matter differed. I don't often find myself speechless. I am quite the talker actually. But in that moment I was terrified and amazed. It was the first time I was accepted into a family. Her mother
invites me to dinners and movies. She hugs me hello and goodbye.
One time she didn't know we had her on speaker in the car and she was praising me. She thought I was an amazing girl with a pure heart. That she truly liked me.
My heart was so full I almost didn't know how to handle it.
Everyday is a new day with her. I never know what to expect. I am surprised
by roses, and kisses and in the moment dates.
But aside from her. I am different, I am calm. I feel at peace.
I don't talk in a little voice very much anymore. I guess I just grew up.
A child at heart of course. but I am realistic and more honest now.
No real direction with this. I just wanted to see if I still knew my password actually haha XD