Apparently.

I don't know anymore. I am tired of feeling like I am nothing but an old blanket. I try my hardest... I work so hard and it never seems to make a damn difference. I WANT TO BE ******** LOVED! I want something other than my own self to talk to and live with! I don't want to be alone! I am so tired of being alone! I know I am not perfect, I know I am not pretty but GOD DAMNIT I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE! I can't stand it anymore... I feel like i am going to go insane.

It never fails... I pray and wish and work so hard just for one moment of praise... one smile, one hand holding with someone... And it never is. I know i am mediocre. I ******** get it... but please... at least look my way... at least acknowledge the fact I exist.... I am here... I am human... I need love... I need one glance... just one look that shows you know i am here...

And getting all worked up over this only makes me feel weaker and more pathetic than normal.. But how can I not be when I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about what I am feeling? No one checks this journal so i feel a bit safer about ranting but for all i know i want someone to know. i don't know though.

I just need to get over myself... Get a reality check. I won't get what I want... I won't... I probably don't deserve it anyway... but that doesn't stop me from wanting it... it doesn't stop the pain from creeping in my heart about how I know I don't deserve it or would be rejected for asking...

The pain won't stop... I know it probably never will... I am hurting so badly... i feel like i am wasting away... and still feel like it wouldn't matter... who would remember me? who would care? i am far to small a speck on this earth to matter for more than a week...if even a day...