A lot of things happen to me for couple years. I don’t know where to start. If I have to look back today and explain what happen to me in one sentence, I would smile and say, “This is who I am because of this.” I have tremendous experiences. Some of them are good. Some of them are worst. Others are life experience that has to be taught as a lesson, but that lesson comes with a consequence. That consequence cost me to live with a huge scar on my heart while continue to move forward. It is hard to explain your story when you do not have anyone to talk to or who to rely on because not everyone can relate to you. It is and always will be my fear. I learn what is like to stay out of people who does not want to talk to you. I also learn what is like to be with people who try to make you happy against their will. When I hurt people, I will always try to apologize. However, I do not have a right to go after them because it does not feel right, or rather, somewhere in my heart, I can sense that someone can take my place and that person will make them happy better than me. This is where I learn how to smile at difficult moment. I’m letting go of what I once held in my heart. I’m letting go of what I once believe I had everything. I want to go back to those memories that makes me happy. But now, it happens once and it will never happen again. I only got no choice, but to move on. The past can follow me, but the past has to be buried. Maybe the time will tell me to atone my mistakes. But for now, I have to live, move forward, and smile. Who knows if I will be stronger to face everything that I run away from.
I keep telling myself that no matter what, I will always be alone at this journey because everyone at one point will leave me at my difficult times. Because of that, I lost the sight of what it is like to be with someone you once care about. Worst is, losing a feeling that you want to share a future with someone you truly love. Every time I lost someone, I lose a part of myself. That could never be regain. That’s why I keep on smiling because I felt that before, but that feeling wasn’t supposed to be part of my happiness in the first place. I went through it multiple times and I don’t want to go through that ever again. I know this scar will never heal, but it will always be with me until the end of my life. I’m a college student living with expectations of this harsh society that they want me to become. I can never get my freedom. My freedom is obtained what I sacrifice for. That is my desire. I have to rip what I want to get what I need. I have to rip what I desire to get what I obtain.
If only someone would chase after me, before it’s too late….
· Fri Jun 09, 2017 @ 07:48am · 0 Comments