Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

now I'm telling myself it's a fling because he sayes when I'm start to care that I'm too clingly, well that and it's really physical. it's really
childish too. I know that I probally won't even see him this week or
next week. another broken promise, broken promises that only matter to me. at least he's not my one and only. I have lots of things going on,
I can just block him out, I tell myself.

work is so boring, depressing, and a pain all at the same time.
I'm feeling less excited about my plans afterwards to see someone.
But maybe that's a good thing b/c they might be cancelled anyways,
but even if that happens I may be able to pull off back up plans.
and even if I do see him, he probally has a g/f now is what I must
tell myself to lessen the surprized and hurt feeling that will return to
bitterness when I find this out. tell yourself it will be the worst while
you can't help hoping for the best is better than telling yourself all these wonderful things you imagine might become true and finding out
the reality is such a let down that leads you to depression.

the disappointed look on his face when you told him how bad your
thoughts really are. now I know I can't tell him stuff anymore. I was
already holding back, but now I really know. it didn't used to be like
this, but it's all different now even though we pretend it's not. at least
I have 1 guy friend that I can tell all to no matter how bad I am and
his judgement doesn't make me feel that bad.

he doesn't care why do I? must force myself to stop worrying and caring.
he doesn't want me, I'm just in the way and IDK why it took me so long to
realize that. this is really similar it's scary.

why do I keep checking? I will not call! danm it, I do have other stuff going on!
why can't I go my own way? why do I keep coming back to this? why do I keep
beating myself up over it?

I have people that care a lot about me, sadly they seem worried about the wrong people getting in our way. and yet I still find it very romantic and it does mean a lot
to me, even that doesn't make me change my current alwful ways. I won't end my "fun" until I feel ready to go "back?" and no one will make me. I don't want to be forced into it, pushed into a life of regret.

so I like someone a lot more than I should and keep getting hurt.
I'm not their #1 and they weren't sopost to be my #1 it just
kinda happened. but it's just physical at the same time???
I'm really confused. I shouldn't have pushed him for the answer to
that question, but I just did. "I guess I luv her", keeps ringing in
my head, hunting me, and making me feel like a really bad person
for getting in the way. I'm not sopost to care what goes on between
them, yet I still do. I don't hate her, I just wanted them to break up to make things more convient for me. but I see now that's not what he
wants. does he even still want me anymore? was I pushed aside to
the "friend" side without the benfits without even knowing. this makes
me miss being his screte mistress now which seems weird b/c I thought that I hated that, but I guess it was a double edged sword better than just being ditched and tossed aside. I know that I want too much,
but I've always been that way. what do I really want? what does he really want? what are we to each other? what do I want him to be to me? what does he want me to be to him? I feel I should just get out of his way for now if things are going well with her. I just wish that I could stop thinking about it b/c it's just so depressing to me.

the story of my life is people that treat my badly bad things happen to them

one of the bosses that i really hate that has been getting on my case and being really mean to me lately i heard got punched in the face last night and maybe lost some teeth....i know i shouldn't be happy about this, but i can't help it the guy's been a real d**k to me.

i mean it doens't help that he's a real drunk and went out drinking last night and was out with another woman and got caught, but i don't care about any of that stuff because he's a real a** to me. talk2hand

school is just getting harder and harder. i feel sorry for those of you in high school i really do. i'm in college and every semester it just gets harder. teachers use tecnology against you to make your life so much harder and theirs so much easier. they expect you to be at every class, do the homework, group projects, and paper, and then test and quiz you on top of that. yes all their power point lectures are online and you are expected to print them out and take them to class to take notes on. and if they forget to copy an assignment to give to the class, oh i'll just e-mail it to you all.... oh yea and i'll just add some stuff on to that group paper project due in a few days they tell me in an e-mail stressed

school has killed my brain so easy stuff has become very confusing to me. like if some two things are remotely alike, it throws me way off and just really pisses me off until i figure out what is what again. and it takes me so long just to get that straight...... sweatdrop