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lover_ryoko's Journal um... rnadom stuff...

Community Member
Not sure if I'm worth loving or being cared about. I wish my bf would talk to me about life altering decisions.

My Mom
I read through all of the things I wrote on here, and I must say that I regret ever thinking poorly of my mom. She had her hands full with four children. Two of which battled addiction for quite some time. My sister that is closest in age to me had a really hard time with alcohol until she finally got clean 301 days ago. I myself had trouble with meth for a while. I also acted out in the worst ways. It wasn't until I moved to Ohio, from Oregon that I realized how much my mother did for me.

When I went to rehab, at the age of 16, she never left my side... Well it was inpatient so she had to LEAVE, but she always supported me. She never missed a visitors day. Ok, she did miss ONE, but she made sure that my aunt came in her stead. We went though therapy together and learned how to communicate. It was very difficult and I didnt understand why she wouldnt just leave like everyone else did. It was because she loves me and she couldn't bear to see me go down the road I was going. I resented her for a while. It wasnt until I was in rehab for about 4 months that I truly started seeing how much she loved me. I got out on my 17th birthday. It was also my golden birthday, so I got out on December 17th.

We still fought and had disagreements, and I did move out because I thought she was smothering me. She just wanted to protect me. Couldnt see me go back to the crazy things I was doing before. Yes, trouble finds me where ever I go, but it has been up to me to not let it in. I have been weak and broken down. But without my mom's unwaivering support, I am not sure if I would have made it through.

I call her often, just to catch up. I called her today to wish her a happy birthday. I must treasure every moment! She will not always be here for me and we are both getting older. She said to me the other day "we arent supposed to be this old. You should still be a kid and your oldest sister should be 21!! I cant believe how fast our lives are going by" It is true, what they say, that our lives speed up as we get older.

Now that I have my own child, I understand the meaning of unconditional love and support. My mother thought me how to give all that I have to those I cherish. Was she perfect? No, and she will be the first to admit it. I am not perfect either, and it's alright that we are not. We all make mistakes and we all stumble. It is how we react when we fall. We get back up and we help those around us.

Thank you mom, I love you more than you could ever know, I know you will never read this because you are not on here, but I just needed to get this out of my head.

PS I tell my mom this stuff often. How grateful I am for her and that I may have been dead if she hadnt gotten me into rehab. She game me life twice. When she gave birth to me and when she helped save me from the addiction that was bound to kill me.

Community Member

Community Member
Reflection on My Life - Ramblings
I cant believe the journey I have been on since I have joined GaiaOnline. I remember being in my high school library the day I signed up. Sitting on one of those really high hard seated stools. They were all like "this will be fun, you will love it" and I really have. I do go some time going without GO and that is ok. I used to be a marketplace whore and I made gobs of money on here. I remember buying my friends tons of gifts from their wishlists and it made them smile. This is something I can always count on and I can always come back.

fast forward two years and I had moved across the country so that I could keep my dog. I got a job, moved out of my dad's house and started a family.

Fast forward to today. my kiddo is 10, my dog has passed away, I have new dogs and I have been married and divorced. I am 31 now and I am still discovering new things about myself everyday. I have not abandoned my generous spirit and I still love animals. My kiddo just finnished her second year in volleyball and she loves anime and being a furry, just like her mom. We watch scary movies, and binge disney and anime together. She is learning how to cook and how to take care of the animals. She has a cat named Michael Bolton and he is a black cat with three legs. He is so sweet and they cuddle every night.

We recently went on vacation to Colossal Con East. I went as Amethyst from Steven Universe and She went as Sylvion in a Lolita style. My boyfriend of almost a year went as Philip J Fry.

As for my career, I have been bouncing back and forth from office jobs to animal care. I just got another job in animal care and I start tomorrow. This is a new chapter in my life where I can use the skills that I have acquired over the years. I had applied here before but didnt have the experience, but now I have that knowledge and I cant wait for this!

I am going to be moving again for the second time this year and the new house is BEAUTIFUL!!! I am going to put a garden in in the spring and hopefull plant some fruit bearing trees in. Most likely apples so that my boyfriend's kids can appreciate nature a little bit more. They don't seem to appreciate much. Oh! Yea, I went from being a mom of one to a mom of four. That has been a bit of a shock. Especially since mine appreciates everything and doesn't expect the world on a platter. But, it's going better that I had originally hoped.

I do love my new little family and our 5 dogs, one cat and our combined 4 children. I have to say though, my relationships leading me up to this one were extremely rough. my last serious relationship was extremely abusive and I ended up facing him in court. That was one of many times that I had was put in that sort of situation. Not a great thing, but I felt that it was noteworthy.

Anyway, I need to go do life things and I am so grateful to be able to enjoy this beautiful life that I have now. I appreciate every day!

Love you all,


my baby
well as many of you may know, i am having a baby. it is a 80% chance that it's a girl. i'm so excited!!!

Live like a Pit Bull
Forgive those who judge you
Smile all the time
Love with your whole heart

Community Member

Community Member
whats wrong with me?
Well I give advice,
I try to help you out.

You didn't think twice,
when she began to pout.

You gave in with out a cinch.
What will she make you be?

Do I have to give you a pinch,
to bring you back to reality?

I'm the one who loves you
I'm the one who realy cares

She says we'll share between two,
but it's not about who shares.

It's about who gives,
and not who receivs.

It's about who loves...

It's about me giving you a hand
and you not beleiving in me.

too late
It's too late to take back the things I said,
the thigs I wrote,
the things you read.

It's too late to take back the things I did,
the things things I didn't tell you,
and the things I hid.

It's too late to not make one more mistake,
to late to tell you
all the promisses I wanted to make.

It's too late to to take you back,
too late to say sorry,
to late to change.

It's too late to say I love you,
too late for one last chance,
one final word,
one more dance.

For just incase you read this,
I'm sorry from my heart,
for the things I did,
the things that made us part.

It's not too late for me to cry
not too late to hurt
to lay arround wearing that big t-shirt.

For now your gone and I'm all alone,
inside this big old house,
trying to make it feel like home.


Community Member

Community Member
my baby.
User Image

this is my puppy peace. he is 4 years old and he is a purebred pit. i love him to death!
(summer '06)

My spirit is a bird
that was traped within a cage
you let it free
from the sadness, from the rage

Open your arms
let me climb on in
open your heart
let me be safe within

softly, kindly, willingly
set me back on to my feet
help me see that person
in the mirror i want to meet.

let me stay inside your arms
keep me in your heart
please don't let go
for a while shal we not part?


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