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My Little Dirty Journal

Community Member
It has been a logn time since I wrote back in this.
My past enteries all look Narutardish and so noobish that I am ashamed that I even wrote half of the crap you might see on the pages back there.

Anyway, to get one thing clear, this is not some cry for attention or a pity message. If I wanted people to feel sorry for me I would of used some over blown network site or Gaia forums to be insulted by others and have people feeling sorry for me.

This is so I can vent. It is good to vent. If you don't vent, you blow up. Your head blows like a volcano and everything comes out the wrong way.

You know when you have not really had time to look at yourself? When you try and avoid the truth or a secret so you live this hedonistic, a lifestyle you lvie to please you whatever it be, life to distract me. I won't lie. I made Ke$ha look like a Catholic school girl who is still pure and no sex till marriage (not that I am against anyone who believes that).

We all do things we are ashamed of. No, this isn't some confession where I come out and say I am pregnant and working as a prostitute. I mean, we have things we regret. Like regretting drinking the night before and now you have a worse hangover or doing the deed with a stranger. There are many things we are ashamed of and we keep that buried away because you have your own reasons.

But how would you feel when you've wasted a lot of your life? I mean, I don't feel like I am doing anything with it. I don't feel like I have guidance or I just don't feel supported by people. I don't fit into most careers because I never know what I want to do. I am just stuck in life. Then, of course, you have relationships. I am a 16 year old female and yes, I WAS dating someone who I knew but I'd rather not go into that. I'm the type of girl if you dump, I really act like I don't give a crap about the situation, there is your stuff leave. But it is never that simple sometimes. Lucky me.

I don't know. How long can someone actually hurt for? It was not the break up what pissed me off at all. No way. I saw it coming, it was just a matter of time who said it first. It was just the time and effort to watch it get pulled apart in so few minutes. It is like building the a house of cards and having someone blow it down after you spent two hours on it. I know, probably a superficial outlook on it.

How can I put this. I am not hurting because of what has happened but it did feel like it was something I finally got right. I did not expect us to stay together and have kids etc. Mostly cause I don't see why you need to spend all this money for a special day where you bond and appreciate each other with an over-done cake, over priced rings and an over priced dress you'll never wear again in your life probably. Plus, I do not get along with small children. The hurt is something I can never defy I am feeling, no matter how much I want to deny it. And I cannot say the 'true' meaning of love or get to the deep reasons why I am the way I am.

It is horrible to feel like your in a rut and your trapped and your hurting. I'm sure many people of most ages can understand some aspect of my crazy logic. The best why I can describe it, even though it is cheesey but I like the books (not the films, is Bella's describtion in New Moon. The black hole what takes you by surprise and sucks you from the inside and you hold yourself physically to, in a metaphorical sense, stop falling apart. That is not word for word but the basic description. It is like when your in bed and you lie there and reflect on past events. I don't know about anyone else but when I am sad, I usually curl up into a ball in my bed and isolate myself. You know when you just miss a presence of someone? A lover. A family memeber. A friend.

I can't say I miss them but I miss the feeling. I felt, in a way, so happy. I always told myself never to change myself to fit a scene. Never change myself for a boy or girl. Never change myself for a friend. I'll only change myself if what I was doing was having a negative effect on myself and the people around me. I know. I probably sound like some superficial b***h who is like 'I am so different cause I am like, so in touch with myself and I know what I want.' I hope I am not like that. I miss the feeling where you get that chill that your alone now. Your not with someone. Your on your own two feet. You don't have someone to love you in a way a partner does. That unique feelign where things seem positive. The long conversations. Things maybe you can't say to no one else. It hurts not to have that. I'm not the clingy girlfriend at all and I am no playboy model or a real life version of a pron star. I'm not anyones fantasy.

I think from what I have blabbered above (with probably many typos sicne I cannot even be bothered with spell check) I leave you with this. When do you know your to deep? Why do we keep our deeper emotions burried under a life what you think pleases you when your really hurting? Love is love. But your gonna get your heart ripped out somewhere. So I'll leave myself with this sicne no one will probably even notice this has been posted. From the great words of Carla Gugino as Silk Spectre, 'Things are tough all over cupcake. It rains on the just and unjust alike. Except in California.'

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