I remember, not too long ago, who I was. Then I came to terms with my dark side, which I knew would possess me in 2006 like it did, after the summer break, and it succeeded. I've fell into it so easily, and cannot seem to escape. Each time I try, it confronts me, and draws me in again.
The things I know, that make me feel the way I do, are false, but I can't seem to ignore the thought that they can be true. However, what I end up believing draws me closer to my worst fears.
Trying to tell someone only confuses them, and nothing they say has changed my wronged views. I feel I can break free, ever since the new year has begun. But, I can't find a way out, the darkness overcomes me. Sometimes I feel nothing I can do can save me from my dark side, and makes me hate my life and the life around me.
I don't hate life deep inside, I want to live, and feel true happiness, but things only get worse as I try to find it.
I thought I had it, my life, my values, my worth.. now, I'm only drowning lower than a regular person, where I wasn't before. I had the sense of karma, and light with me, then I got crushed by my own situation.
Maybe, just maybe, it's not my fault, and it's all a bad dream. This reality of mine isn't real, and I've regained my awareness.
I lied about things, and I feel bad. I feel guilty, my family expected great things from me, and I'm only going to end up letting them down. I hope everything I have is still there, because I need to find a way out of the shadows.
My mother, threatened me with no colledge if I don't do what she's expecting from me, and that's the problem. Too many due dates, too much pressure, and I know I can do it, but there's so much on my shoulders.
As I'm typing this, I finally cry for the first time in 4 months, when I was aware that things would catch up to me like this. It happened, and it shouldn't have, but I have a feeling things will get worse if I can't find my true place.
One time, someone gave friendly advice on a forum, but I didn't listen. It was an occult forum. They said when they sensed me, they knew that I would only draw the darkness to me, and that I needed to stop before the negative energy consumed me.
I thought I had it, but deep inside, I knew there was always a flaw in each step. I knew I was drawing it, but I thought I had it where I wanted my dark side, away from myself. However, I always knew, if I had ever let my gaurd down, it would get me, and my dark side knew it would happen.
I am consious enough to type this, but my dark side continues to manipulate me. I need to find the strength to find my true place of happiness, where I know I can do something to break free.
I try online, by making things for fun, but it's not real..