“Shiggy! I want one!”
Shiggy looked up from his boiling hot miso soup, which was so cold, it was growing ice glaciers. He gave the boy a quizzical look. He gave him a look back.
“You can have one of whatever your talking about, on one condition!”
Kyo Sohma hated conditions. They were like the hidden charges in a free mobile phone ring tone. They were like the tax and GST on a hotdog. They were like the nightly fees on porno movies. Kyo scrunched his hands in disgust.
“Fricken mutt!” He hollered, thrusting a fist in the Dog’s face. “You better get me one!”
“Ah, ah, ah Kyo!” Shiggy sang, making Kyo twitch. “Conditions! You have to answer a riddle for me. Actually, make that two!”
Kyo Sohma hated riddles. They were like enigma’s wrapped in themselves, then wrapped in a vest. They were like the things that never made sense, but then again made sense, like the reason cows say “Moo!” and not “Hi, I’m Haru!”. Kyo hated them too.
“Fine! Hit me with ya best shot, a**!”
Shiggy Sohma loved conditions. They were like the hidden charges in his so-called, ‘free’ mobile phone ring tone service. They were like the taxes and GST on the hotdogs he sold to his cousins. They were like the nightly fees he made Kyo pay on the porno movies he borrowed.
“Hmm…” Shiggy thought, rubbing his chin. “I got one!”
“If vegetable oil is made from vegetables and sunflower oil is made from sunflowers, what is baby oil made from?”
Shiggy Sohma loved riddles. They were like the enigma’s wrapped in themselves, then wrapped in the annoyance of his cousins. They were the things he made up that never made any sense, such as why cats say “Meow” and not “Hi, I’m Kyo. Get f—cked!”. By the way, Shiggy loves cats. Ruff ruff!
“Look, I have no time for this!” Kyo said, reaching for Shiggy’s money box and pulling out heaps of random notes and coins.
Shiggy hoped Kyo wasn’t smart enough to do that. But Kyo was. Haha!
“Wait, wait! Try another!” Shiggy said desperately. “Is quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?”
“Testicle!” Kyo roared angrily, not realizing he had just yelled something so… sexual. Tohru looked up from her housework and fainted. Kyo blushed.
Feeling slightly angsty, Kyo walked extremely slowly to Walmart.
He intended to buy the latest iPod. It was a video iPod you see, which made it the latest. Kyo’s heart skipped many beats as the doors swung open. Of course, he should be dead, but ya know what? He can’t die. He ran to the iPod section in electronics.
“I WANNA SEX YOU UP!”
Kyo turned around and noticed a very odd looking man behind him. He eyed him quizzically, then stopped, reminding him of the riddle Shiggy gave him. Flustered from thinking of such things, Kyo walked to the front desk, where a blonde bimbo stood. Her name tag said ‘Hi, I’m new and Blonde. Go easy on me!’. Kyo chuckled.
“Um… I’m looking for an iPod Video.”
“Would you like that with a packet of the latest trading cards?”
“How about a hotdog?”
“I can buy them from my cousin,”
“No. You’re a bimbo!”
The bimbo was annoying the hell out of Kyo, so he walked over to a BROWN haired man and asked him where they were. The man smiled and pointed.
So Kyo walked over. He picked it up. Suddenly, he was in a field full of flowers! On the other side, was his iPod Video. He ran in very slow motion towards it, arms outstretched. He bounded into the iPod’s arms and danced.
Then he realized that everyone in the store was staring at him, because he was humming the McDonalds theme song. Blinking, he bought the iPod and went home.
He switched the thing on about 100 times. Why wouldn’t it work? Kyo threw the thing on the ground and jumped on it a few times.
“For Akito’s sake! Work!” Kyo screamed at the poor little iPod, which he once cherished with his heart and soul. “WORK DAMMIT!”
But everyone knows yelling doesn’t make things happen. Right? Kyo yells all the time. Is Yuki dead yet?
Speaking of Yuki, he was walking past at the time.
“You better work iPod,
Or I will… smash yooou!
And feed you to… Yuki!”
From deciphering his parody lyrics to the song ‘Oops, I did it again’, Yuki realized Kyo had an iPod that wouldn’t work! Being the nice (but a*****e-ish) guy he was, Yuki decided to help.
“Pass it here, you moron and I shall fix it with my holy rat powers!” Yuki announced, flinging Kyo’s bedroom door open. Kyo pulled a face. Yuki grinned. Kyo didn’t hand it over.
“Damn rat! I can do it myself!”
But he couldn’t. So he gave it to Yuki. WHO STOLE IT!
“NOOOOOOOOO!” Kyo yelled in slow motion as Yuki ran away with it. He locked the door of his bedroom and cried.
Meanwhile, back in Yuki Headquarters, Captain Yuki Sohma Rat Boy Face was searching the sea’s of his ocean themed bedroom for his satellite technology!
“Aye, me hearties! Where’s mah layptawp?” The Captain hollered slash questioned the pirate crew he painted on his walls because he had no real pirates. Or friends.
Then he found it, so he stopped being a pirate.
“Right… songs… good! Yay!”
The iPod was working! Yuki turned it up so loud Kyo could hear it in his bedroom. Yuki dances around like a pirate.
Kyo was still crying loudly, when he heard the music. Kyo figured it was Yuki.
“Whoa,” Kyo said to himself, “Yuki should be ashamed of himself! Blasting music that loud, straight into his ears! Sending bad messages to the children, he is!”
So Kyo went to Yuki’s bedroom.
But Yuki didn’t hear him because he had gone temporarily deaf and didn’t realize it yet, because he was imagining the music. Which is how Kyo stole it back!
Kyo turned it down and threw the headphones in his ears. He listened. He listened more. What the hell?
“Why wont you work for me?” He asked the iPod sadly. The iPod stared.
Yuki then opened his eyes (he finished pirate dancing) and said to Kyo, “You took it!”. He took it from Kyo and put the headphones in. The iPod began to work. Kyo took it back. It stopped working.
“Haha stupid cat. You’re cursing the iPod!”
Kyo then… cried. He used all of Shiggy’s cold, hard cash on that thing and it wouldn’t work for him! Kyo was depressed and offended. Yuki felt sorry for him, for like, a millisecond.
“Hey… Kyo?” Yuki said softly, still feeling bad, kind of. “How about… I download some porn onto here for you? And then… tell it to work for you?”
Kyo was all like “OMGWTFBBQ?” because he was so happy. He hugged Yuki. Yuki spewed. Then Kyo spewed, because he hugged Yuki.
And so, there sat Kyo, in the middle of class, watching porno on his iPod Video. Until he accidentally gave it to Tohru to hold and she watched some. And fainted.
“Lets go shove this iPod down Shiggy’s throat to prevent anymore scarring of Miss Honda,” Yuki suggested to Kyo, whom he still wasn’t friends with, I’d like to point out. K thanks.
So they did. And Shiggy happened to die along the way. Tohru then laughed, because she wouldn’t be scarred any longer! So off they went to celebrate!
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