"what do you do when nothing eases your mentel struggel but for 2 people. You love and trust them sooo deeply that it's painfull but you never want to let them go or make them sad. And what happens if you feal that you'v made them sad or anre some how hurting them... in my cace thay are my world I exist to see them happpy. oh sure I could exsist and live with out them but thered be litel to no point. so what happens if a negative self emage upsts them both. I know I'v done wrog ,and I know I'v bin forgiven. But in my head it isnt enugf. I hurt them. I let what happen happen..... and it hurts to have done that.... to mently remind myself what I done..... why cant I forget my anger..... I know to remimber the lession but not toforgive myself and realeav my anger.... I still feal durty....unpure and unworthy of the love I have with them...... I get told over and over...it's ok no one blames you for what happend it wasnt you falt....but I sould have seen it comeing...I sould have stoped it...WHY?!? why didnt I?.... why do I feal like I liked it... sure alot of it anyone would like but I feal that I souldnt have...unnng... I try angane and agane to let go....let it die....after all thay love me and souldnt that be all that maters...it is in so many ways....so why do I call my self a ugly slut unwothy of love for being taken avatge of agane...it about 1 year senc past...it sould be ok now so why? why isnt it? why isnt it over. it's insane...one minut it's of I am happy and alls forgiven and the next I'm beating my self mently into a depreshion....yet here tay are agane....I'm with them and nothing maters when it's so...I will always love the,..I have yet to forget love evin the ones lost and mabby thats why it still hurts but.....thats why thay are specel thay hold me and say tose all so gloyous words "I love you." and all of the paine gos away if only for that moment....so long as I can be with them I am happy just to live to be near them.... thay make me happy...and when I'm away form them I feal lonely...one I can only see online for the moment the outer I suffer without his touch....but the love for them is so strong....without ether of them I'd be torn apart I'd be nothing agane...becuse I only feal good when I know I have them...when I know thay'll be there I wont give up becuse I can make tham happy yes I....I can do that... it's so butefull to see them simle or belev thay are m.smiling and that I did it....I made that happen and that thay dont wnat to let me go...that thayed miss me if I disaperd or locked my self awayt agane..... I feal so wodefull when thay are in my thoughts and thats all I need to remimber their happy instead of there paine if I could only do that nothing would hurt in my mind , soul or heart....any outher pain can be egnored as if it was nothing but not if I remimber theres. Thay are my living loveing and gloryous pain releaf so can I ever hope to releav theirs?....do I truly have a cance at that abilty? Do I truly make it better when I smile or is it a farce?.... I'd like to think that I can be as good to them as thay are me for I love how thay take all my paine away with one smile and three words"
Maraschino The Red
· Sat Dec 02, 2006 @ 03:35am · 2 Comments