To say I would never knowingly and intentionally betray someone, anyone, no matter how close, would be a grievous lie. But I would do so knowing the consequences of my actions, calculating my gains and losses and those of who would be affected by said betrayal. It isn’t half so childish, half so petty as to be used for anything less then what I have decided upon through long and repeated self searching. This is how I act on many things, those who’ve caught a glimpse should at least have some idea of that. Which is probably why the idea that I have betrayed when I have not strikes deeper then I care to tell. I am human, I make mistakes, like anyone, and, when my pride allows, I will admit my mistakes; even apologize for pain and suffering I have caused, hell, mere inconvenience even. But this time, it seems, I have been branded, the title seared to my flesh before I had the chance to explain, make amends, or even realize my mistake. I will not apologize for someone else’s ill aim or misunderstanding. I will not suffer unearned wrath, nor will I make any promise that I shall not rise up with my own. If you have so very little faith in me, in my word, in my friendship, then call me Betrayer. Let no other name for me leave your lips, find your thoughts or dwell in your heart. Do not dare strike me blindly; open your eyes and hit with all your might, believe in your motivation, your cause, lest I rage and consume you in return. Do not falter, for the moment I take the title Betrayer, that is exactly the role I must play, is it not? I write in rage, in burning, ice-hot fury, the kind that physically hurts. I had held my tongue a day, fought from speaking to see if this would pass, if I would find enough fault in myself to forgive you and ask your forgiveness, extend sincere and heartfelt remorse for my failings. I will admit, either that day was no where near enough or I will maintain my stance. I acted selfishly, out of a childlike terror masked in older, calmer will to protect that which I care for. I acted selfishly as one who sees the snowball rolling downhill as the beginning of a catastrophic avalanche. For my own gain, I employed a method to ensure that I didn’t have to sit back and watch another friend struggle with degenerating health that might easily slip beyond their control without warning. I am a cynic, a pessimist who acted out of deep rooted pain, something I warn myself against with every word I speak every action I take. I will lay that out as my sin in this all, and that alone. I have explained, defended and done what I can to prove myself, and if there is no faith, no trust in me, I cannot hope to ever instill any in you. You really do think I betrayed you, don’t you? So be it then. Know me as Betrayer, and nothing more.
Feril · Thu Nov 09, 2006 @ 09:46am · 0 Comments |