So... This past week... everything is very confusing. Very, very.
Well, I'm rather disappointed and angry with certain people. Gabby's party was supposed to be yesterday, but because some of her friends had to be jerks and try to skip her party, it was called off and re-arranged to next week. I don't find that very fair for Gabby.. why are people like that? I wanted to hang out with Gabby that whole day anyways, but Kelley wasn't allowed to have anymore people so I just stayed home.
So. Freddy asked me out two days after the rose thing.. and I declined. I always decline... everyone who has ever asked me out ever, I have declined. I've never even had a real relationship before.
However, you know, I can't go out with someone I don't have feelings for... and I just don't have any feelings for Freddy. Same thing goes to someone else whom last night confessed exactly how much they like me...
I feel bad declining these offers/confessions all the time, especially since I understand where they're coming from ... but I can't. I just don't feel for them! There's nothing there, and therefore I cannot give myself to them.
Besides, why would anyone want me anyways? I'm always thinking about 'HIM' all the time... would they really want a girlfriend who's always thinking of someone else? I think if it was me I'd get pretty fed up with that.
I'm supposed to be forgetting about 'him' .. but it isn't working at all. I still think about him all the time, even if he hates it, and hates me. I try so hard to make him acknowledge me and like me even a little bit, but all my efforts turn to him being wierded out and annoyed with me. I know how he feels because what I'm doing to him, has happened to me before, I got pretty wierded out too... but I think I understand things alot more now - I was younger then. I don't think he really knows how I feel.
Anyways... I'm tired of this triangle ... where others lust for me, but I lust for someone else and become blind to their feelings, I make them hurt in the same way I'm hurt every day. I feel selfish, but what can I do? I want to live in love, but nothing is mutual. Between 'him, between me, between them.
.. I'm not worth anyone's worry... so everyone just forget about me...
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