So, this weekend appears as though it will be un-entertaining. You see, still grounded indefiniately... All bloody weekend, I can't do a thing. So, naturally I sneak on... >_>;; What did they expect me to do?
I'm very sad at the moment. Besides being grounded, Kiki is very sick and Sheru needs to go checked to cancer. This is all his parents' fault for not being able to stop smoking cigarettes!
Tell me, why do the innocent suffer for the mistakes that other foolish people have made? To corrupt an harmless child in ways that no one can defend, to steal the life before their very eyes... In this way, they are causing a chain, that affects each and every person that person has touched in their life, and by no means is the experience enrichening for anyone. That life may flee and everyone is helpless to prevent it, simply because a few select people couldn't with-hold their greed.
That is my opinion about alot of things... but so then, does that apply to me? To my selfish ways and greed which is hurting everyone?
.. If my recent summaries are true, then there is alot more to loose then before ... Someone or everyone WILL be hurt in some manner, but the question is... Do I continue down the same path as before in all my selfish ways, or do I retreat silently to let others live happily without my interferance? Will I be satisfied with either answer? Somehow I think if I choose the latter I will be depressed ten-fold.
If anyone has any idea what I'm talking about, however, they will realize that there is no chance of me being chosen to begin with anyways. It seems like a lost cause, but there is always hope where there is love.
Today in fourth period I was taken completely by surprise of my own actions and response to said actions. I could blame this on Freddy, but I'm not because it's my own fault for impulsively spilling what I should really just shut up.
As usual, Freddy seemed interested in learning more about me. I was talking to him cheerfully, when suddenly he brought up the subject of formal.
"Do you go to formal?" He asked me.
"No." I said, "It's no fun."
"Why not?" He inquired.
I shrugged. "What's the point if I don't have a boyfriend?" Already my insides were squirming and tainted with on-coming sadness, begging to be let in to remind me of how much I don't have. I held them back, hoping it wouldn't come to what always seems to come in a conversation with me.
... But it was not to be; the vicious circle strikes again. "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" He asked innocently.
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!" I instinctively burst out in a loud wailing noise, immediately ashamed and embarrassed afterwards. Especially since I have discussed with myself before that even if that person suddenly asked me out of the blue, I would deny for two main factors.
Poor Freddy had no idea what hit him. I think he looked a little taken back from my response... Hell, I think he might of even liked me before the cat was out of the bag in all it's hissing glory.
Kelley appeared out of no where, took a look at my face, then turned on Freddy. "You mentioned him, didn't you?!" She growled, raising the long heavy teachers' ruler she was holding in his face.
Freddy went through a procedure of apologies, and tried to cheer me up. "Please don't cry..." He said hurriedly, seeing the look on my face. I can vaguely remember being extremely upset, but did I really look like I was about to cry? ... Heh, well, I can believe it.
"Just forget it." I mumbled, my mood ruined beyond comprehension.
Nonetheless, Freddy was not about to let it go. He remembered the conversation me, him, and Kelley had earlier about roses, and recalled me saying I liked pink roses. "Would you be happier if I got you a pink rose?" He offered. "I'll get you a pink rose on Monday."
"It's okay. Just don't bother, alright?" I sighed. I was a little impressed that he would try to get a pink rose for me, but not even a pink rose could deter me from what mattered to me more then fifty dozen pink roses. Besides, the gesture is useless in a completely non-romantic way.
"You really like him, don't you?" He mused. I just tried to concentrate harder on the picture of Eternal I was drawing.
Then the bell suddenly rang, and I grabbed my stuff and left with Kelley, who had nothing to sigh and say, "Oh Brittany, you really gotta care less." She then tried to force me into counselling, but I just refused and said there was no problem, and that I was simply over-exaggerating.
In some way I really was, but I honestly was upset.
You see, in the vicious circle that's my life, everything comes around to one key point, but how could it not? Afterall, I've only spent the last four months never stopping to think about anything else, and if you want the truth... I'm pretty sure some time at the beginning of the year, too. Things never go away.
Oh... You might wonder why I type up things like this onto my Gaia journal... Do I have any sense of privacy? You're probably thinking. Well, for some reason I just feel like I need to take these things down, where people might be able to look and understand me, and so one day I'll look back and remember just how how I felt then and there ... because afterall, how could I ever want to forget a time when such sadness and happiness combined into one bittersweet melody?
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