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<center>I don't even know where to start.

So I will with this. No, I have not written in this for.... Goddess, weeks at least - if not months. I miss my journal, but I knew that I had felt writing in it had become a chore.

Everything had. Everything.

When I was...... Just turning 18 or so, I had a personal spiritual event. I... I do not even know what it was, but I knew that it was great. I remember reprucussions of such - That event was a catalyst for different things. I had always looked at life in.... A different light? I do not know.

My problem comes in right there. I am honestly afriad of scrutiny from friends - It is.... unsettling to have personally spoken about something so spiritual and personal to someone, and have them be rather..... not flip, but an innate condescending nature. An empiricist by choice, I will not name names, since that is beyond the point. That person did nothing wrong; they live their life by their terms.

I also am uncomfortable with others who claim to dwell in this. To be a wiccan or a pagan or what not - No, I personally refused to join a coven or such. I never felt a need for it, since this is an internal excersize, and while I may have benefitted from a teacher or such, I do..... not want one.

At any rate, this deals with my own personal loss of spirituality.

Anyone who knows me rather well know that one of my most major interests, beyonds an emotional viewpoint of women's issues, is divination, scrying, and to the most part - weather magic. To simply cut to the chase, over time, I've taken it up less and less, and the effects were visible to... at least someone.

I could invoke that Bright Lady's name right now, and I would mean.... close to nothing.

This entry is to help me re-discover my own sense of spirituality, that has been lost over time. And for that, I cried. I did, when I realized what excactly had happened. I simply... stopped caring about so much. When I used to look at the world, it was alive - everything about it. The threes, earth, winds, humanity, buildings that sprung from the planet - it all lived. All of it. And now.... it's just.... there. A sense of security in this current location, but still. Just there.

I suppose I've felt ashamed, to be honest. More and more, I'm finding people less and less who I can speak openly about these things. My shrine at home is a relic; it's unused and almost a distant memory. The beads that used to channel divinitory life are now just.... there. Because I let them lose their connection.

I am not a Psi. I am not. Not by any means; my brain is not where I lie. The soul is.

I used to be able to look at the sky, find the moon without even trying, and sense if a wind was coming. And now.... Nothing.

There could be reasons, but I am not.... The touch and shiver of energy I used to feel from the cards is gone.

Look at them... these cards have been with me for... years, and now... they lack life. They lack such a life..... It never used to take this long for me to understand the card, or to feel it's energy. And now, I've become a shell of what I use to be.

Something closer to a Goddess. Something. And now..... just this.

What can I blame? Myself, on how to deal with different circumstances. I cannot even begin to understand what, but I know that it is.... I will have to re-learn so much. But I will.

I am not a witch. I will not become a witch.

At least, not by that term. I am myself, and someone consecrated to attempting to preserve life in all of it's forms, as much as I can.

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