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Its too funny, so i decided to share it with the world!

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: Stop ******** with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a*****e. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're a huge a*****e.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. 27 Months? "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese.








When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
--Jeff Foxworthy

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my god, I could be eating a slow learner!
--Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
--Richard Jeni
(only, isn't New York colder than Chicago? duhh.)

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
--Jerry Seinfeld

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
--Warren Hutcherson

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
--A. Whitney Brown

Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased








men are like...

bank accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

blenders: you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

chocolate bars: sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

floor tiles: if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

coffee: the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

commercials: you can't believe a word they say.

computers: hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

coolers: load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

copy machines: you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

crystal: some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

curling irons: they're always hot and they're always in your hair.

dry cleaners: most work fast and leave no ring.

government bonds: they take so long to mature.

high heels: they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

horoscopes: they always tell you what to do, but are usually wrong.

lava lamps: fun to look at, but not all that bright.

laxatives: they irritate the s**t out of you.

mascara: they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

newborn babies: they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

parking spots: the good ones are already taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

popcorn: they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

place mats: they only show up when there's food on the table.

used cars: both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.