Quote:
Darkside Zodiac
by, Stella Hyde
The Ivy Press Limited
ISBN# 1-57863-310-9
by, Stella Hyde
The Ivy Press Limited
ISBN# 1-57863-310-9
Aries:
March 21 - April 20
You are a loud, overconfident, aggressive thug with way too many Y chromosomes and a will of titanium-clad granite.
Taurus:
April 21 - May 21
You are a stubborn, sybaritic, rut-bound bully, fueled by dull resentment and an insatiable love of money.
Gemini:
May 22 - June 21
You are an unreliable, roguish sociopath with a light finger and the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly.
Cancer:
June 22 - July 22
You are a grumpy, secretive, passive-aggressive grudge-hoarder, with bipolar mood swings and a positive genius for pointless worrying.
Leo:
July 23 - August 22
You are a vain, arrogant, condescending solipsist with imperial longings and an all-pervasive addiction to unconditional sycophancy.
Virgo:
August 23 - September 22
You are a peevish, hypercritical a**l-retentive, with an obsession for sterile perfectionism and a pedantic fetish for detail.
Libra:
September 23 - October 22
You are a vain, shallow, petulant spendthrift with an unerring eye for style over substance and a lifelong dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket.
Scorpio:
October 23 - November 22
You are an obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust for power and a penchant for degradation.
Sagittarius:
November 23 - December 21
You are a reckless, tactless, obnoxious oaf, with a morbid fear of restraint and an addiction to losing your shirt.
Capricorn:
December 22 - January 20
You are a cold, cruel, petty-minded slave driver with unsuspected yet unquenchable ambition and an addiction to tightfisted penny-pinching.
Aquarius:
January 21 - February 19
You are a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart.
Pisces:
February 20 - March 20
You are a slippery, manipulative, unreliable reality-dodger with delusions of adequacy and an addiction to sentimentality and self-destruction.
March 21 - April 20
You are a loud, overconfident, aggressive thug with way too many Y chromosomes and a will of titanium-clad granite.
Taurus:
April 21 - May 21
You are a stubborn, sybaritic, rut-bound bully, fueled by dull resentment and an insatiable love of money.
Gemini:
May 22 - June 21
You are an unreliable, roguish sociopath with a light finger and the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly.
Cancer:
June 22 - July 22
You are a grumpy, secretive, passive-aggressive grudge-hoarder, with bipolar mood swings and a positive genius for pointless worrying.
Leo:
July 23 - August 22
You are a vain, arrogant, condescending solipsist with imperial longings and an all-pervasive addiction to unconditional sycophancy.
Virgo:
August 23 - September 22
You are a peevish, hypercritical a**l-retentive, with an obsession for sterile perfectionism and a pedantic fetish for detail.
Libra:
September 23 - October 22
You are a vain, shallow, petulant spendthrift with an unerring eye for style over substance and a lifelong dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket.
Scorpio:
October 23 - November 22
You are an obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust for power and a penchant for degradation.
Sagittarius:
November 23 - December 21
You are a reckless, tactless, obnoxious oaf, with a morbid fear of restraint and an addiction to losing your shirt.
Capricorn:
December 22 - January 20
You are a cold, cruel, petty-minded slave driver with unsuspected yet unquenchable ambition and an addiction to tightfisted penny-pinching.
Aquarius:
January 21 - February 19
You are a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart.
Pisces:
February 20 - March 20
You are a slippery, manipulative, unreliable reality-dodger with delusions of adequacy and an addiction to sentimentality and self-destruction.
Aries:
* You have absolutely no trouble with this year's buzz concept, "Me-time," although you do have trouble with the idea that there might be any other kind.
* Aggressive, argumentative, confrontational, and headstrong, you are the zodiac's permanent enraged adolescent.
* You blunder through the world like Tigger gone rogue, looking for new frontiers to smash. Fortunately you can be easily distracted by bright lights, loud noises, meat, blood, fire and knives.
* b***h rating: C+ ... bitching demands subtlety and finesse, neither of which your fairy godmother left you. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you just open your mouth and blast away.
Taurus:
* Possessive seems too weak a word... and the evil spawn of your paranoid possissiveness is murderous jealosy and resentment.
* What you really like is stuff: in your mouth, on your plate, in your bank, in your bed, in the bag. You stubbornly refuse to accept the folk wisdom that tells us we can't always get what we want.
* Your pig-headed obstinacy, obdurate opinions, and refusal to even say the word "adapt", let alone "change", are all the result of a lack of imagination.
* b***h rating: C+ ... It's not that you don't want to b***h, you're just too slow-witted to really make an impact.
Gemini:
* There is no cunning so low you can't limbo under it... you are the con artist with the cheeky grin who detaches widows from their mites and babies from their candy, and leaves them laughing.
* You are never satisfied with what you get... you carry color swatches around so that you can check the greenness of grass on the other side.
* You are in a permanent midlife crisis of your own making: a discontented, self-obsessed cmmitment-phobe who refuses to grow up.
* b***h rating: A++ ... We bow to the zodiac's b***h Queen. Your lightning rapier zigzags with such sparkling wit and style that many bitches don't notice they've been slashed for at least 3 weeks later.
Cancer:
* You distrust life and have no faith in the future. You'll never be more than just another pebble on the beach, and you are perversly proud of your strong grip on the essential futility of existence.
* You remember all your friends' transgressions, but you never give away your own personal secrets. You fear that people might use them against you, as you would against them.
* You are always looking for anything that could, at a certain angle, be defined as an insult or a slight, to add to your impressive grudge-mountain.
* b***h Rating: B+ ... For someone who likes to present as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down (you sit at home in your shell, practicing).
Leo:
* You are an arrogant, intolerant, pompous, self-centered bully... oh, and a snob and a drama queen, too. You never really got beyond the the terrible two's, did you?
* You absolutely have to be adored; by everybody; all the time. This lust of adoration is often your downfall... you can be easily manipulated by flattery.
* You are never, ever wrong. Even when you are wrong, you have people whose job it is to redefine wrong so that you are right, looked at from a certain angle.
* b***h Rating: B++ ... Why b***h? You are the king. But when you do condescend to go in for catty remarks, they are always big catty remarks.
Virgo:
* All Virgos are negative, tiny-hearted fusspots obsessed with detail, who do nothing but carp and criticize.
* You are hot on the anti-hypocisy crusade: If asked, "Does my butt look big?", not only do you reply, "Well, sure it does, lardass," but you kindly go on to give an estimate on how much bigger than the norm it looks.
* You secretly fear the possibility that you might be wrong, but will kill your firstborn rather than admit it.
* b***h Rating: A+ ... You always stick around to make sure that the finer points have been rammed home.
Libra:
* You are an antsy malcontent, restlessly searching for satiation. Whenever you get what you want, you don't want it. It happens every time, but being an airhead's airhead, you never learn.
* You simply can't help using people with your little emotional vampire suit. But as an accomplished parasite, you know better than to kill the host.
* Your inability to make a decision is famous. You are in danger of starving in the midst of plenty; confronted by heaps of goodies, you cna't bring yourself to choose one if that means forfeiting the rest.
* b***h Rating: A+ or D. Depends on where you're standing, really. You'd never dream of saying anything nasy to anyone's face, but you whisper poisonous remarks behind their back.
Scorpio:
* You are darker than the rest - a kind of soul-sucking meta-dark, where suddenly the words "evil" and "mastermind" seem inadequate.
* You have never been known to apologize for anything, since it would make you look weak; nor do you grant second chances - if people let you down, they are nonpersons.
* If it wasn't for your self-destructive streak and obsession with sex, the rest of use would be in deep doo-do, for you will stop at nothing to get what you want, even if it means global meltdown.
* b***h Rating: A+ ... People are so frightened of you that you don't have to bother much, but what's the point of a sting in the tail if you don't use it?
Sagittarius:
* You are the zodiac's mindless hooligan and uberlad (or ladette), game for anything mindlessly risky, violent, and pointless. Russion roulette, anyone?
* Incredibly tactless and insensitive: your best friend loses a leg in a terrible accident, and you immediately ask for their vintage Air Jordan IV's. What? They're not going to need them now, are they?
* You are a centaur: on one hand, a human with an uncontrollable urge to gallop and kick things over; on the other, a horse trying to do up his buttons without opposable thumbs.
* b***h Rating: D- ... What you lack in subtlety and finesse you make up with crudity and bluntness, blurting out jaw-droppingly rude remarks.
Capricorn:
* You are the one with the stamina and relentless bloody-mindedness to keep wearing away until the world follows The Way of the Goat, because they have lost the will to live.
* You loathe being teased, embarrassed, or made to look undignified. You'd do absolutely anything to preserve your social status.
* You'd also prefer to keep your ruthless, pathological ambition under wraps, in case anyone notices what you're doing and pulls away the ladder.
* b***h Rating: B++ ... You really don't have the spontaneity to b***h, since it is undignified, but your inner goat has no scruples, especially after a few cups of black wine.
Aquarius:
* You don't care that your darkside is on display because, insulated in your space suit, you don't feel the consequences of your words or actions.
* A disengaged observer of the human condition, you're the one outside your neighbor's house with the night binos and the infrared camera. You say research, we say voyeur.
* The absentmindedness is all an act - you don't need to tell anyone what you're up to, and there will always be some gullible sap who will do everything for you.
* b***h Rating: A-- .. you don't bother much because, for a smart one-liner like you, it's just shooting fish in a very small barrel.
Pisces:
* Your sign consists of two fish tied together and swimming in opposite directions. Not a good start. This suits you because it means you can deny the existence of your darkside and, at the same time, blame it every time you mess up.
* You dream of being the hero who saves everyone, but if by chance you DO get someone back on their feet, you get insanely jealous and start pricking at their brave new balloon of self-esteem.
* You appear helpless and put upon, but you're not. You know the manipulative value of martyrdom and suicide threats.
* b***h Rating: A- ... You always hit below the waist and leave a slow corrosive poison in the victim's system.
* You have absolutely no trouble with this year's buzz concept, "Me-time," although you do have trouble with the idea that there might be any other kind.
* Aggressive, argumentative, confrontational, and headstrong, you are the zodiac's permanent enraged adolescent.
* You blunder through the world like Tigger gone rogue, looking for new frontiers to smash. Fortunately you can be easily distracted by bright lights, loud noises, meat, blood, fire and knives.
* b***h rating: C+ ... bitching demands subtlety and finesse, neither of which your fairy godmother left you. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you just open your mouth and blast away.
Taurus:
* Possessive seems too weak a word... and the evil spawn of your paranoid possissiveness is murderous jealosy and resentment.
* What you really like is stuff: in your mouth, on your plate, in your bank, in your bed, in the bag. You stubbornly refuse to accept the folk wisdom that tells us we can't always get what we want.
* Your pig-headed obstinacy, obdurate opinions, and refusal to even say the word "adapt", let alone "change", are all the result of a lack of imagination.
* b***h rating: C+ ... It's not that you don't want to b***h, you're just too slow-witted to really make an impact.
Gemini:
* There is no cunning so low you can't limbo under it... you are the con artist with the cheeky grin who detaches widows from their mites and babies from their candy, and leaves them laughing.
* You are never satisfied with what you get... you carry color swatches around so that you can check the greenness of grass on the other side.
* You are in a permanent midlife crisis of your own making: a discontented, self-obsessed cmmitment-phobe who refuses to grow up.
* b***h rating: A++ ... We bow to the zodiac's b***h Queen. Your lightning rapier zigzags with such sparkling wit and style that many bitches don't notice they've been slashed for at least 3 weeks later.
Cancer:
* You distrust life and have no faith in the future. You'll never be more than just another pebble on the beach, and you are perversly proud of your strong grip on the essential futility of existence.
* You remember all your friends' transgressions, but you never give away your own personal secrets. You fear that people might use them against you, as you would against them.
* You are always looking for anything that could, at a certain angle, be defined as an insult or a slight, to add to your impressive grudge-mountain.
* b***h Rating: B+ ... For someone who likes to present as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down (you sit at home in your shell, practicing).
Leo:
* You are an arrogant, intolerant, pompous, self-centered bully... oh, and a snob and a drama queen, too. You never really got beyond the the terrible two's, did you?
* You absolutely have to be adored; by everybody; all the time. This lust of adoration is often your downfall... you can be easily manipulated by flattery.
* You are never, ever wrong. Even when you are wrong, you have people whose job it is to redefine wrong so that you are right, looked at from a certain angle.
* b***h Rating: B++ ... Why b***h? You are the king. But when you do condescend to go in for catty remarks, they are always big catty remarks.
Virgo:
* All Virgos are negative, tiny-hearted fusspots obsessed with detail, who do nothing but carp and criticize.
* You are hot on the anti-hypocisy crusade: If asked, "Does my butt look big?", not only do you reply, "Well, sure it does, lardass," but you kindly go on to give an estimate on how much bigger than the norm it looks.
* You secretly fear the possibility that you might be wrong, but will kill your firstborn rather than admit it.
* b***h Rating: A+ ... You always stick around to make sure that the finer points have been rammed home.
Libra:
* You are an antsy malcontent, restlessly searching for satiation. Whenever you get what you want, you don't want it. It happens every time, but being an airhead's airhead, you never learn.
* You simply can't help using people with your little emotional vampire suit. But as an accomplished parasite, you know better than to kill the host.
* Your inability to make a decision is famous. You are in danger of starving in the midst of plenty; confronted by heaps of goodies, you cna't bring yourself to choose one if that means forfeiting the rest.
* b***h Rating: A+ or D. Depends on where you're standing, really. You'd never dream of saying anything nasy to anyone's face, but you whisper poisonous remarks behind their back.
Scorpio:
* You are darker than the rest - a kind of soul-sucking meta-dark, where suddenly the words "evil" and "mastermind" seem inadequate.
* You have never been known to apologize for anything, since it would make you look weak; nor do you grant second chances - if people let you down, they are nonpersons.
* If it wasn't for your self-destructive streak and obsession with sex, the rest of use would be in deep doo-do, for you will stop at nothing to get what you want, even if it means global meltdown.
* b***h Rating: A+ ... People are so frightened of you that you don't have to bother much, but what's the point of a sting in the tail if you don't use it?
Sagittarius:
* You are the zodiac's mindless hooligan and uberlad (or ladette), game for anything mindlessly risky, violent, and pointless. Russion roulette, anyone?
* Incredibly tactless and insensitive: your best friend loses a leg in a terrible accident, and you immediately ask for their vintage Air Jordan IV's. What? They're not going to need them now, are they?
* You are a centaur: on one hand, a human with an uncontrollable urge to gallop and kick things over; on the other, a horse trying to do up his buttons without opposable thumbs.
* b***h Rating: D- ... What you lack in subtlety and finesse you make up with crudity and bluntness, blurting out jaw-droppingly rude remarks.
Capricorn:
* You are the one with the stamina and relentless bloody-mindedness to keep wearing away until the world follows The Way of the Goat, because they have lost the will to live.
* You loathe being teased, embarrassed, or made to look undignified. You'd do absolutely anything to preserve your social status.
* You'd also prefer to keep your ruthless, pathological ambition under wraps, in case anyone notices what you're doing and pulls away the ladder.
* b***h Rating: B++ ... You really don't have the spontaneity to b***h, since it is undignified, but your inner goat has no scruples, especially after a few cups of black wine.
Aquarius:
* You don't care that your darkside is on display because, insulated in your space suit, you don't feel the consequences of your words or actions.
* A disengaged observer of the human condition, you're the one outside your neighbor's house with the night binos and the infrared camera. You say research, we say voyeur.
* The absentmindedness is all an act - you don't need to tell anyone what you're up to, and there will always be some gullible sap who will do everything for you.
* b***h Rating: A-- .. you don't bother much because, for a smart one-liner like you, it's just shooting fish in a very small barrel.
Pisces:
* Your sign consists of two fish tied together and swimming in opposite directions. Not a good start. This suits you because it means you can deny the existence of your darkside and, at the same time, blame it every time you mess up.
* You dream of being the hero who saves everyone, but if by chance you DO get someone back on their feet, you get insanely jealous and start pricking at their brave new balloon of self-esteem.
* You appear helpless and put upon, but you're not. You know the manipulative value of martyrdom and suicide threats.
* b***h Rating: A- ... You always hit below the waist and leave a slow corrosive poison in the victim's system.
