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Why are you here? You have no business here.
The struggle between self-care and not caring about yourself
I got on some new meds, they might work actually. It's for schizophrenia/schizoaffective. Can't wait to find out which of the really ******** up things I don't want to be I have.

I don't think it's worth it though. Getting medicated won't make my life any better. I'll still have no friends, still have a dead cat, Kaylee's long gone, and my family turns out to be just as toxic as I forced myself to forget all those years.

Same thing with getting completely sober. I've noticed as I've been doing better with my doc's help, that not drinking actually makes my life worse. No one wants to hangout with me if I don't drink with them, as toxic of an environment as I'm in is, it's better to have toxic people at least validate your existence than having no one.

My dad called me yesterday morning, actually asked about my living situation. I think he thought I had my own bedroom or something. When I told him I'm living in the walk-in closet in the basement, He sounded like he felt bad for me, which is something I'm not used to hearing from him. Last time I heard him sound like that was when I told him how Kayl and I were homeless and he'd send us some bucks to eat.

Also have this feeling that he knows more than he's letting on. He hinted that I shouldn't try staying here for long, that when my brother gets out of prison him and my SIL might have a sudden change in plans and move somewhere else with just their kids. See that's an odd thing for him to say, because he doesn't really say things like that. He's not a 'make assumptions' kind of guy. Think in his own way he's trying to warn me about everyone else's agendas, and how I don't belong in any of them. Which is ******** terrifying.

My SIL is two-faced, and my brother is in prison still, but he's transphobic. I can see this going very bad very quickly. Not that I plan to ever transition anymore I guess. With my newly found medical problems and absolute lack of support, I'm accepting being unhappy with myself. Or really, more unhappy with myself.

So getting on meds, what will this fix exactly? Because it seems like everything ******** up my life right now isn't my mental health, it's everyone else around me chipping away at my already weakened mental state. It's a sad realization when the voices I was scared of and are slowly fading away, cared more about my well being than real flesh and blood humans. Even if they were caused by a chemicals imbalance, they were the closest things to friends I've had in years.

Dunno what to do, guess I'll just wait and see. It's not like I have a choice to move anywhere, I was evicted from my last apartment so finding anyone even willing to rent to me has been going absolute s**t. This whole mess feels like such an 'end of the road' type of thing, like the 'end-game' for suicidal people.

Ehh, still waiting on those late trumpbux though! Get a nice motel room, a gun, and find my own home in some morgue or something. IDK, wherever they put the bodies that weren't identified. It sucks because that's my best case scenario. I don't really believe in an afterlife or anything, but if there is one I hope my cat's there! He knows I could use a friend.

Last thing I want is to be homeless again. Mentally ill, homeless, trans, and drunk. I'll just become one of those forgotten statistics that people try to ignore whenever they see walking the streets.





 
 
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