Panic Attacks
When you have your first panic attack, how do you know that you're having one? About 3 years ago I had my first panic attack. I was sitting on the floor in my room hunched over a canvas surrounded by paint. It was around 9 pm and I had worked that day. Tears streamed down the sides of my face, mouth wide open, looking up towards the ceiling as if screaming at the top of my lungs but no sound came out. My hands were in a tight fist and I was shaking. I was still dealing with the trauma from my first car accident and I faced true depression. But this night, after I gave up countless messages of me begging my boyfriend at the time to come back to me and comfort me. He didn't come back and I experienced an overwhelming feeling of terror and it just gradually increased as I sat. Thoughts flowed through my head. "He doesn't love you. No one loves you. He doesn't care about you. No one cares about you. He is never coming back. You will always be lonely. I was scared that I would have no one left in my life. No one there to listen. No one there to care. No one there to help. I was so afraid of what would happen if I waited any longer so out of sheer desperation as if I was saving myself from drowning I sent out another message. Only this time it was for someone else. Someone who would respond. I knew sending this would change things. I'd be abandoning what I had built years before. Breaking a bond, a contract I had. That night I didn't want to suffer anymore. I wanted to be free from the pain even for just a night. I pressed send, and with no hesitation, I ran out of the house to the car, punched in the address in the GPS and sped off. I have no regrets.
 Mrs Lemonss · Wed Jan 13, 2021 @ 02:08am · 0 Comments |
