After the first letter I wrote, I found for a few days I was unstable. Severely so. I couldn't shake you, no matter what I tried. Nothing could drowned out the sounds of the last time I heard your voice despite it slowly becoming a faint memory. But I've also found..writing helped. It helped so much. You may never read the letters, but I'm going to write them anyway.
Because if anything, its slowly bringing me some peace. And after all I've suffered-after all the pain-I think-no I know-I at least deserve that.
I find myself still wishing things would change. It's been so long. Can you really cut me out so easily? And pretend everything means nothing? If so I wish I could do the same. My life is pretty good right now. I have a job. I work for an amazing company. They reward us in so many ways for our work.
I feel like I've found the company I want to work for til the day I retire. And it makes me so happy. My boss feels the same I do about customer service, and my work ethic seems to satisfy them.
I'm able to help out family with bills. Can't save anything for my own yet. But I can help. And I can do it each week knowing that I'm helping in a not so toxic environment.
I wish I could tell you all about it over the phone. I know I can't.
I've noticed I use the words "I know" and "I wish" a lot when writing you, its almost sounding like a broken record isn't it? It's ironic. Who would have ever thought we would end up like this?
All my attempts to protect you from those who wanted to take you from me, all the attempts to protect you from my fears. And this is where we ended up. I'm blaming myself as I probably should.
As the days pass I realize your birthday is getting closer. I haven't been able to wish you one in so long. It sucks really. This is the first year I'd actually be able to get you something in all the years we knew each other. And I can't. I'll light a candle for you. And wish you the best.
It breaks my heart honestly. To think your going through whatever life is sending your way and I can't be there to support you on the good days and the bad. To support your growth. But I understand. I wouldn't want me around either I don't think. Not for a very long time, so I don't blame you.
That's another thing I noticed-I'm blaming myself so badly. And I feel like that's right. That's fair because I am to blame. I'm not to blame for how you took things or how things were blown out of proportion. But I am to blame for it all on that same hand.
Tonight I'm feeling like in the end is perfect for my mood tonight. It matches what I'm feeling. Because in the end it didn't matter, I lost everything and it doesn't even matter.
I mean it doesn't really does it? Your gone, Aiden has lost so much, grandma passed away, Anthony is distant, mom is on the verge of running once David is recovered from his weight loss surgery, and Neal and Clifford? Well they are doing their own thing.
The few friends I held close that you knew of-they are gone too. The physical places I went to-they are too painful to go to. I have nowhere to escape when I need to except a virtual world that brought me to people-that cost me you.
I find myself pulling farther and farther from them. What was once my escape has now become my prison. A fitting end wouldn't you say?
It's strange thinking about all the good, with all the bad. And how it makes me feel. And how I've grown so much the past year, and I can't share that with you. It feels really important to me that you know.
I know you don't care. And it wouldn't change anything. But I just want you to know that.
It's taken a lot of work, many hours laying awake, pacing, more crying in the shower than I can count. Re reading so many conversations. Asking people who knew me back then to try and piece it all together. It was beyond work. It was heartbreaking, it made me angry, it made me wonder what the ******** was wrong with me. And more seriously than that-how you loved me through it til the bitter end.
I'm not putting you on a pedistool. But its the truth, you were amazing. You loved me on the good days and the bad. When I was myself and when I was what everyone else made me to be. What breaks me is that the memories you have left of me are most likely of the person that's not really me. And I can't change that.
So we will go through the rest of our lives, you with those terrible memories. And me with the guilt of knowing I'm to blame. Because all it took was saying "I want to give someone else a chance but I still want you in my life" I remember that. The rest of the conversation I can't as much and I'm so sorry. I wish I could. This is one of those things I wish I could talk to you about. I know you would tell me what I said.
I know you could clear up so much of the fog in my memories. Because I blacked out way too much in the last 6 months we talked. I should remember the conversations I had with people, but its not just you. There are ones I had with my mother, my brother, James-I couldn't remember them. When I read back through them, I answered like I normally would..but I couldn't remember actually writing the responses.
And that concerned me so much. How long had that been going on? What was causing it? I got some answers. And I didn't like them. Treatment was not something I wanted. I can't remember if I ever got to tell you what all it was..It's just another one of those things on a long list that I'll never get to tell you.
Ya know tonight I actually looked at your profile. And my heart sank. I don't think it could have sank any lower. I felt pain, heartbreak wasn't even the word for it. My heart skipped a beat, my mind raced-all I could think was "and I lost him".
Pathetic right? I nearly messaged you. I opened the message request from where you had messaged me before our last argument. And I seen where it said if I replied-you'd be able to see my active status, call me and see anything I've made public. Then I looked at your picture again.
And I couldn't do it. What if your better now? What if your almost better? I don't want to set you back. I don't want to cause any disruptions. But I miss my friend. I started to type and I backed out. I closed my messenger.
This is horrible isn't it?
I feel like I need to just let it go. Stop thinking of you. Stop wanting to talk to you. Just stop. But then I see things that remind me of you, or hear things. And I can't help but wonder at the same time, what if its been long enough? What if I messaged you and you were okay to talk to me now?
That's where my heart and my mind are waging a war. All these what if's are tearing me down. I can remember the happy times and smile and I miss you I want to talk to you. I remember the bad and I want to cry and scream and beg you to talk to me and I miss you.
It's moments like this I wonder, what crosses your mind when/if you think of me? Is there any love left for me at all? Do you automatically hate me? Do you ever look at your phone and think about messaging me?
I'm afraid to know.
I wake up every day praying I'll have a message from you somewhere saying "Can we talk?" And even though it doesn't happen-I still hope.
What's wrong with me? Why do I care so much? Why do I hope for this? Isn't this chapter in our life over? Isn't it supposed to be?
Isn't it unhealthy for me to be like this? I mean if therapy taught me anything its that feeling this way is okay. Writing these letters I can't send is okay.
But can it really be healthy to do it? What if in the end its causing more harm? Or causes more harm should you actually read them?
I still miss you by Keith Anderson is fitting tonight too...
"I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
And I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby
I never knew til you were gone
How many pages you were on
It never ends I keep turning
And line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
You are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
Its a door that never closes
No I don't know how to do this"
At this point I can't help but wonder if the universe isn't doing this to me to make me pay but if it is how is that fair? I just tried to do what was right by those around me-perhaps that's it? Instead of doing what I was supposed to do for you and me, everyone else came before us both.
If that is the case, this suffering is fitting.
I wake up every day and I get up and I go through the motions. I do what I have to do each day-I work, spend time with Aiden, return messages from people, share things on my facebook. I joke. I try.
And I feel it dead inside. Not numb anymore, just dead. I feel lost. Like a part of me is missing.
I know if you messaged me now I'd answer in a heartbeat of seeing it. And I wouldn't hesitate. I'd welcome it if it meant talking to you one more time.
I remember so many things in bits and pieces and all I can think is "that's not something I'd normally do" and "that was me baring my heart and soul to him."
And it made me want to listen to I will by Jimmy. And this part of the song stood out to me:
"I don't wanna weigh you down like an anchor.
But if that's how you see me now I will pleather,
Let you go free
Just sail away
If that's what you need
If that's what it takes
I will give up my life for you, if you want it.
I'll give you my heart, you already own it.
I'll do anything,
I'll go any where
If everyday is going to steel you away
If you feel you need someone to hold you
If you ever need some one to
Talk to someone who really knows you
Yes I will"
By the Gods, thank you music. It helps say things so much better than I can. Whether its short and sweet and to the point or not. Because the autoplay was on and the next song that came on is "Do you believe me now" by Jimmy Wayne. That can be applied to what happened with us as well in a way.
Why do you have to be so stubborn?! Why did you have to pull away?! Why did you have to reach out to me then pull away?! Why did I feel what I felt about a week and a half ago-that brought everything back the way it has?! Why?!
Was it not bad enough that I suffered through what I did? That you walked away?
Feeling and watching you walk away was the worst of it all. James grabbing me, choking me? That was nothing. I could take it. But you going cold on me? No cry
I just wish so badly I knew your thoughts and feelings on all this..
Maybe its a good thing I don't? Because I don't think I could bear to hear you say you hate me. Or to hear you say goodbye that way one more time.
On a final note for this letter.. Chris said it best, I'll breathe in and breathe out
"I've got every reason
To find someone new
'Cause you swore up and down to me
That I've seen the last of you
But the way that you loved me
Girl, left me hopin' and holdin' on
So until this world stops turning round
And my heart believes you're gone
I breathe in I breathe out
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time
'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
I breathe in and breathe out"
because Gods know you could message me tomorrow and I'd be by your side like a day hadn't gone by. Only difference is, I'd go through hell all over again to show you I've recovered and that I'm me again.
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Written Letters I Can't Send
This is a collection of letters as I write them, that I cannot send to someone who was once near and dear to my heart. This is meant to be purely therapeutic as all else has failed.