I know you’ll probably never read this. And that’s okay, it isn’t really but it will have to be. I don’t know why I’m taking the time to write this. But I feel like I need to. Like maybe if I just put everything into words. Maybe that will help make a difference somehow. Sounds pitiful I know. But it can’t hurt to try right?
I’ll start with what brought this on. On October 16th I was awoken out of a dead sleep. I haven’t decided what to call what woke me. Was it a call from your soul? An emotional outburst you couldn’t contain? A cry of remembering the past? A premonition? A dream brought on by retrograde activity? A sign from the veil thinning? I’m not sure. But it was something. And by the Gods I will find out what it was, I need to. It’s been driving me crazy.
I had gone to bed the night before exhausted from work and well beyond ready to rest. For the first time in a long time I was sleeping peacefully. All I remembered at first was I was dreaming. Then the world shifted, I felt things being torn apart. It was like pressure building before an explosion. Almost like standing in front of a dam before the wall breaks. That’s what it felt like. Instead of pressure, or water-it was emotions. I could SEE you, I could FEEL you. Your presence was so strong I swear you were there with me. And then the dam broke. And I was blown away. I felt anger, confusion, sadness, darkness, hate, confusion, love, hurt, guilt, self shaming and self blaming all come off you at once. It startled me awake so hard, I was nearly paralyzed as my mind and body struggled to register what had just happened and how I went from sleeping so peacefully to being woken like that.
I grabbed my cell. I felt something was wrong, that I needed to check on you. I had to. And before I could unlock my phone, reality sank in. I couldn’t message you. I couldn’t ask if everything was okay. And in that moment. Laying on my bed in the dark, everyone asleep. Silence filing the house. Everything fell apart and came together at the same time. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t dramatic. It just “was”. For that moment in time, all I could do was lay there and let it hit me in waves.
And this is where the process began. My mind went back to all the time we spent talking, all the messages, the calls. The ups and downs. And I thought my heart was going to stop. I smiled sadly as I remembered how silly we could be, the eyebrow thing you did, your laugh, the jokes and puns, the way you’d get excited. I remembered how no matter what I was dealing with, what you were dealing with-at the end of the day we had each other. And that it was enough for us. Because we knew we could get through whatever came our way. Because we had something most people didn’t. Communication and trust. Both of which had been built up over years. And I wanted to cry as I remembered when you asked me to be yours, I was so happy. I had you, I finally had my best friend. My partner. The man I wanted. The man I was willing to walk through hell and back for. I was willing to face whatever came our way and have your back through it all. The good and the bad.
My thoughts turned to how over time it seemed tense between us, the more I was trying to hold onto reality and not fall apart, the worse it seemed to get for both of us. And my biggest fear was dragging you down. I saw so much potential in you and I knew you were going to be an amazing man, husband, father. And if I drug you down, I felt that would rob you of all that. I looked at myself as a pathetic excuse for a human who always struggled. Who couldn’t seem to do anything right.
I didn’t have time to wallow in self pity. I had to get ready for work. So with you still strongly on my mind, I braced myself for a long day with a severe lack of focus and emotionally unstable mood. What else could I do? I got to work and sat outside at the bench. I always check my phone in the morning while sitting there...It gives me time to relax, get motivated and check my facebook. There was a fateful decision and I didn’t even know it. I checked my facebook memories like I always do. And there you were. It was a picture I had taken of you in the yard when you were down here. It was one of my favorite pictures of you. And it broke my heart. I wanted to cry. It felt like someone had grabbed my heart out of my chest and was waving it in front of me before smashing it and shoving it back into my chest. Little bits and pieces of our conversations from that day came to mind, I remembered your laugh, I remembered your smile. How happy Aiden and I were. How pissed James was...it ALL came flooding back again.
By his point I had only been awake a few hours and I was so mentally exhausted. It didn’t seem like I was going to catch a break. For some reason, I couldn’t outrun you that morning. I tried. I tried blaring music so loud I couldn’t think. I tried burying my thoughts into my work. Staying busy, keeping talking. Anything I could do. And you were still in the back of my mind. Almost forcing your way to the front. And you weren’t even trying. I managed to get through my day. And made the walk home. I paused to sit outside and smoke a cigarette, and it brought more memories. Of when I would sit outside Kroger and talk to you before and after work and on my breaks. And I felt myself breaking again. Why? Why was this happening? Is it karma? Is it just me? Is it my mind ******** with me? All of the above? Something else? I don’t know. But I broke again.
It took everything I had to pull the strength to walk home after work. I figured once I was there, I could sit down and just find a way to suppress the thoughts. Because what choice do I have? It’s not like I could call and tell you or message you about them.
Since I wanted to tune everything out, I logged into Second Life, severe lag made me think it was time to clean up my laptop again. So I started going through my files. Another fateful decision. And I didn’t know it. There you were again. A picture saved on my one drive that had resynced to my laptop when I got it...This was too much.
I wanted so badly in that moment to be numb, to be able to hide, run, I didn’t want to think. I wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. All day wound after wound after wound had opened. And at this point I just felt bloody dead. Every song I tried listening to reminded me of you, any show I watched, I either remembered telling you I liked because hey I still watch reruns and pretty much the same s**t-or I wanted to message you and tell you about it.
And it was making me physically ill that this wouldn’t stop. I didn’t know HOW to make it stop. And then the idea to write this came to me. Even if you never read it. At least I’ve put words to this finally. I’m going to lay it all out. Just like I did before, but with what I know now about WHY I behaved the way I did. Hopefully somehow, this offers some kind of closure.
I guess for things to be properly explained I need to start at the point where I felt like things were on the line. That my life was on the line. My future. Aiden’s future. OUR future. Since at that point in time-we had one.It was the night mom started in on me about being with you. When I was at Kroger and renting that house. Do you remember? How she tried to bully me and give me ultimatums in my own house? Do you remember how it was tearing me apart because all I could think was for once I had a job I loved, someone who loved me and wanted to be with me that I felt the same about, and I had a home. And she wanted to take that, she wanted to jeopardize that.
I think at that moment I wondered if we were doomed. But I loved you so much, I didn’t care what we had to face I wasn’t giving up on us, I wasn’t letting you go without a fight. I remember Cody trying to cause problems. ANd me having to constantly tell him to back off, the way he’d go from okay to trying to flirt with me because he thought you would “never know” and me telling him bullshit you would because I told you everything. I remember how at that point it seemed like I was fighting off mom and Coody. I just wanted to be with you and be happy. But here I was taking care of my family, instead of doing what I wanted. I was doing what they made me feel obligated to do. What they had trained and groomed me to do. Despite hating myself for it. I got up and did it every ******** day. You were keeping me sane. Our talks, they saved me. I don’t think you will ever realize just how real that is. You saved me in so many ways. And for that Steven I will be forever grateful. I was unworthy of being saved. But you saw otherwise. I just wish I could somehow show you. That I could fix the rift between us…
It feels and seems like to me at this point, that's when the shift happened. I know everyone perceives the same events differently. This is why I IWISH so badly that you would have a sit down with me and talk about this. Not to fight, not to argue or point fingers. But to have a very real, bare, open conversation about all this.
I remember mom telling me James was coming up to be with her, since we were going to Colorado. That he was going to help build the house, that we had a place to stay, things were going to be fine. I knew I should have taken my money and just come to you. Because that eviction because of her was hanging over my head on top of the job loss. Not even 10 months after the car accident. I felt like I had done all that work for nothing. But I was trying to be positive. I wanted to get that house built for Aiden, you and me. But that trip to Colorado...that was a special level of hell. It was...it destroyed me. I know that was the start of my downfall. How can I be so certain? On top of the pictures I found, and facebook memories, I found old conversations of ours. I was able to read back around that time on. And I could FEEL my mental health declining, feel my emotions and well being becoming more and more unstable. Even while telling you I was fine. I wasn’t fine. I was TRYING to be. But I wasn’t. Mom had lied to the homeless shelter and told them that James and I were going to be married so that they would put all of us in one room. Otherwise they were going to split everyone up between different locations. She did so without talking to me or him, she just assumed it would be okay. It wasn’t okay.
That was the lie that started to destroy everything. And it wasn’t even something I said. But I got the blame and I’ve paid for it. How is that fair? I’ve been punished for it and it destroyed you. It wasn’t fair. Don’t give up on me now, I’m just getting started explaining this. Mom felt that lie was best because it was the ONE way to get the assistance she said we needed to get by there. And considering how she blew through my money without saying a word to anyone til it was too late-we needed all the help we could get. I needed the extra help with Aiden. I didn’t want to ask you to help me fix that ******** up. It wasn’t your place to. It was mine. I had gone down there knowing damn well it could get ugly and I would struggle. But how ugly and how bad the struggle would be I didn’t know. Thinking about this brought back more memories. These ones of me sitting in my van and calling you. When I could get away from everyone and out of ear shot. Just because I wanted to be able to breathe. I wanted to hear your voice and know that despite it all I was safe and love. I craved you like a thirsty man craved water. And yet, I didn’t come to you. Sounds off doesn't it?
Then I really started thinking.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just pack bags for Aiden and I and come to you? What was stopping me? Why did I have to keep suffering? Why did I stay when James had already started abusing me behind the scenes. When mom was trying to control everything, the shelter was breathing down my neck. Why?
And then the answer as stupid and ******** simple as it is became clear. I felt responsible for everyone. I was the reason they were there. More specifically my land. Mom had lied and manipulated both James and I. So, I felt responsible for him too. He had given everything up that he owned.
This is where the memories get painful the thoughts tear me apart to think about. But I’m going to make myself do this. I have to. Even if it takes me days, or weeks-I’m going to do this. I’ll cry and scream it out if I have to.
I remember the day the decision was made to come back to Ohio, and James was coming with me. Grandma had talked me into it. She missed Aiden, kept saying grandpa wasn’t in the best of health. That was true. But I didn’t know bringing James back was going to unleash all the hell and drama that it did. Had I known I would have just left him behind. Again, this is where I wish I would have made a different decision but I didn’t and can’t change it now. Lesson learned.
As time passed once we were back, James had already convinced himself I was his for real. And I wasn’t. Transfering paperwork from Alamosa to New Lex, everything remained the same in writing as it had been originally. Because they made it clear they would take my benefits to almost nothing if there were “any changes”. So on the paperwork again, I was listed as being with him,
It made me sick every time I had to look at the papers. Every time I had an appointment with the office about food stamps or any of it. Because it wasn’t him I wanted to see listed on my stuff, it was you. It wasn't him I wanted to be under the same rough of it was you. So why didn’t I leave again? Why didn’t I force him out and let you in?
So many questions…
Thinking about that I know it’s because my stubborn a** wanted something. I had already had so much taken from me so many times. I just wanted to get up on my feet again. I didn’t feel worthy of love, or of anything. I felt beyond pathetic. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. And it seemed like if I did, it didn’t matter because it was all going to fall apart anyway. So there I was in my old village with the man I was growing to despise. While he was trying to show me he was a good person.
I remember day after day passing. And how I was struggling with being sick. I was getting better or soI thought. Until mom and the boys came back. At that point I knew it was only going to get worse. Because now instead of focusing on Aiden and myself and doing what I needed to, I was going to be responsible for them all over again. And I knew I was going to have to protect them at all costs from James, I was on borrowed time. They just didn’t care and didn’t know.
I knew as the days passed, it was going to get worse. But I clung to the hope that it wouldn’t, that somehow it would be okay because I always had a knack for figuring things out. But I didn’t see a way out. I saw being trapped in an abusive toxic environment, versus everything I wanted and was afraid to have. And it paralyzed me.
Let me explain that more because it sounds to me not only confusing, but in itself like an excuse. And that isn’t what it was, it was my mental state and logic at the time. And that’s what I want to touch base on. That’s what I want you to understand.
Here it is four days later and I’m just getting the strength to write this more…
The abuse was real. James choked me, assaulted me, forced himself on me. I won’t use the other word because that while it is more appropriate, isn’t a word I like using. He couldn't keep his hands off me. You saw that. So many women cried rape and asssault in my village that the police deeed the word useless. As though it didn’t exist. Even my therapist didn’t want to take me seriously because he never left enough marks as they said. He never left enough proof. But I WAS the proof. He kept telling me I couldn’t rely on anyone but him. I couldn’t do anything without him, if he left I would lose everything. He had to be there. And day after day after day, it took a toll. He would tell me everyone was using me. He was the only one who cared. He would tell me everyone lied to me and was just using me. And then he would be kind, he would do something to help. And then he would abuse me, and repeat. That was my life.
I tried so hard to not listen to him. I clung to you and Aiden. It was all I could do to stay sane. I tried so ******** hard. It might not have seemed like it but I did. Instead of focusing on getting out, instead of focusing on us, I lost focus. Just trying to survive became my focus. To somehow hold on until mom and the boys would move out. That was where my mind froze. “I just need to hang on until they leave”. That’s what I convinced myself of. It wasn’t anything but survival. If I could hang on til they were safe, and he wouldn’t be able to find them. Then everything would be okay. You know how badly I wanted to protect Neal and Anthony, and how important it was to me that they not be homeless, that they be taken care of.
And thinking about how that affected my mental state made me realize just how far I put us on the back burner without even meaning to-without trying to. And that is another fateful decision. Had I known, I wouldn’t have done it. But at that time it was all I could do or so I thought. And I notice as I thin back on it, that I became obsessed with something. And I think that's where my mentality really changed. I had James trying to keep me trapped in his world,I felt like mom was deliberately staying, you were offering ways out. And all I wanted was to breathe. I wanted something someone couldn’t take. I wanted something I could say I GOT by working for it. That wasn’t handed to me. Ironically enough, it didn’t entirely go that way…
It was selfish of me in a way. And the ******** up part? I wasn’t trying to be selfish. Every time I turned around I was losing. Things were being stolen from me and taken. Not just material things. But friends too, jobs, everything.And I felt like if I didn’t do something on my own. If I didn’t pull something together, then I felt that I was going to lose you and Aiden. So I got more obsessive with trying and surviving. That was just another piece of me breaking. Maybe I was trying to hold on too tightly? Maybe I was being selfish. But you were all I had besides Aiden. And we had already been through so much. You were the one person by my side, the one SOLID, true person in my life. The one thing I could hold onto. So I convinced myself that I just needed to get through this, and we could be together we could be happy.I could escape and we would be fine. And have the life we had talked about. Was I kidding myself? Was the solution to the whole mess really as simple as packing bags and coming to you? And if that was the solution, if thats all it was going to take-why was I so ******** horrifid and paratlyzed with fear? What was holding me back? This is what I had to take a few days to consider. Because I really really wanted to think about it. Like I said I am laying it all out in this letter. All of it. Even if it makes me look pathetic or sad. Or hell even crazy. I’m laying it all out there.
The answer is fear. Past experiences and relationships and the way they ended made me afraid. Do you remember me telling you about Donald? How I had met him online too? How I had gotten involved with him and moved. Despite my fears. Because he assured me he wasn’t abusive? He wasn’t aggressive? That he would treat me and Aaiden good? I had gotten close to him too. And do you remember how it ended? He had grabbed my son and picked him up and shook him, while screaming at me. Do you remember how I told you I felt? How I had to come back to a toxic environment to escape that because I had no money, nothing. How it had destroyed me to walk away from him? That fear that paralzyed me started here I think. That’s when it really started to take root. My entire relationship with him had been fights, struggles, people interfering, and that was how it ended. Not only did I lose my relationship, our home, a lot of our belongings, but I lost my friend. He turned into a monster. Blaming me for his loneliness, blaming me for leaving. But I didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t a good situation.
I had the strength to walk away then, but I wasn’t responsible for my family then. It was just me and Aiden. So I guess in hindsight, that's why I could leave that toxic situation. But leaving cost me so much, and staying would have cost me more.
This is crazy honestly. Looking back on all of this….but I’m going to continue.
My obsession with getting a place worked out, you know that. I got the apartment, nearly didn’t thanks to someone stealing my money. But you came to the rescue. You were the reason I was able to sign that paperwork. But James came with me, he had cornered me and made me add him to the paperwork. I figured he wouldn’t stay there long. But I was hoping I would have my s**t figured out before he did bail. That wasn’t the case of course.
You know how he left. You know how it devastated me. Which it shouldn’t have but I had Stockholm’s Syndrome. I didn’t want to admit it but I did. Because despite the abuse he had been a friend when he wasn’t playing jekyll and hyde. That sounds beyond ******** up I know. But I am ******** up. Logic doesn’t do it justice. The man who made my life hell was also a friend. And the source of 90% of my problems at the time, go figure.
I’m not sure what part I’m more ashamed and embarrassed of. The fact that I couldn’t find the strength to get away from it all to be with you, or the fact that it was fear and my stupid mind that held me back. Regardless I feel shame, embarrassment, I feel like I let you down. I feel like neither one of us deserved this. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go or be. They say everything happens for a reason. There was no reason for this. But it happened anyway, maybe there really is a reason for why it happened and I just can’t accept that because of how I felt about you and still feel.
Between how it had been with my family over the years, Donald, and James I was so ******** up. You knew that I told you. But...I guess I just never realized how ******** up I was.
I’m not trying to make excuses, I'm not trying to play you or make you change your mind. I just...if you're going to hate me I want you to hate me for the right reasons...I want you to know the truth because good or bad like I always said. I’d never lie to you. Even if I KNEW you would hate me I would always be honest with you. And that still stands. I just wish you’d talk to me. A conversation. One long one, the chance for BOTH of us to speak about all of this with the other listening. Not to tear open old wounds, or cause drama. But to lay this to rest..or whatever needs to be done. Because I can’t understand just pretending it didn’t happen. Pretending we didn’t have all that time together. Especially after what I saw and felt…
There’s so much more I want to say, and I’m not sure how it’s going to come out. Because at this point I’m going to let my thoughts and feelings take over. I need to just say what needs to be said. I explained my mentality and my reasoning. It doesn’t justify how it made either of us feel-or what it did to you. But I’ve explained it.
I can’t help but wonder of the past few years if I’ve crossed your mind as much as you’ve crossed mine? I’m afraid to know that answer. I want to know but I don't want to know. Because if the answer is “no” or “not really” I feel like it would destroy me more as much as I would deserve to hear it. Or on some level I need to hear it. I’m in a place right now of I want so badly to know some part of you still cares, that my friend is still there..and on the same hand some sign that there’s nothing there. Does that make sense? Probably not because it doesn’t to me. I’ve been listening to music like I always used to. And I noticed there are certain ones I keep pressing repeat, and some-the lyrics say what I’m feeling when I can’t find the words.
I want to share them. Because who knows, maybe that is a part of this process? Maybe it isn’t. Who knows?
Here’s the first one:
Its called “last stand” by Adelita’s Way
Ironic I know.
The entire song stood out to me as “that’s it, that's how it feels”. Honestly it brings tears to my eyes every time it pops up on my iphone or youtube playlist. I want to make that last stand with you so it makes sense. But I feel like I already tried and it didn’t work. Then I realize I never did. I didn’t get to because you shut me down. You wouldn’t listen and I don’t fault you for that. But I wish I had gotten the chance to speak instead of reacting angrily. I don’t want to lose hope that someday I may get that chance to talk to you. But I don’t want to hold my breath either…
Next song is:
“Anymore” by Travis Tritt
This entire song is perfect. “My heart can't take the beating
Not having you to hold.
A small voice keeps repeating
Deep inside my soul.
It says I can't keep pretending
I don't love you anymore.”
It's’ perfect because I can’t keep pretending I don’t love you. Because I do. And my mind keeps going back to the life we had talked about, the things we wanted to do. Things we’ll never get the chance to do now, but my mind doesn’t want to accept that and neither does my heart.
“Help me hold on” by Travis Tritt
This feels like my heart and soul, begging you to help me hold on.Me begging you to hold on. The way we had done a few times. And me begging now.
“Help me understand where I went wrong
It's hard to find myself in this position
Scared that I'll go crazy once you're gone
Help me hold on to what we had
Once our love was strong, it can be again
You said it takes two to make love last
You were right all along, so help me hold on
What have I got to do to make it better
What have I got to do to make you see
That even though I promised you forever
I never knew how hard that would be
I realize I took your love for granted
But I've learned that love worth having don't come free
And I'll pay any price it takes to keep you”
Especially the lines “Once our love was strong it can be again”...
“I never knew how hard that would be” I didn’t and it was really hard.
“I realize I took your love for granted But I’ve learned that love worth having don’t come free” This is beyond true. I did take you for granted and I didn’t realize I did. I was so used to you being there I couldn’t see a day without you. And our love cost a lot. It cost me everything. I paid every price for it. And then some, and I’m paying the price now. But this time ,I’m paying it without you.
“I miss my friend” by Darryl Worley
I can’t even listen to this song without crying and thinking of you.
“ I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright
I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend
I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend”
This says it all. You were the person I felt safest with despite my fears. I could talk to you about anything. You made life worth the struggles. You were the laughter I needed in times of darkness. I miss you so much, saying it hurts doesn’t even begin to describe it. You could make me smile and laugh, you could help me through anything. I miss everything. I miss you.
Trying to get over you by Vince Gill
This song is painful too, but I can’t bring myself to stop playing it.
“I've been tryin' to get over you
I've been spending time alone
I've been tryin' to get over you
But it'll take dyin' to get it done
All my friends keep tryin' to fix me up
They say I need somebody new
When it comes to love, I've all but given up
'Cause life don't mean nothin' without you”
I’ve done everything I was supposed to to move on, to get over you. And nothing worked. I haven’t given up on you or us. But I’m trying to respect your wishes.
What I Really Meant to Say by Cyndi Thomson
This whole song resonated with me. Especially
“What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss you more each day,
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you,
That's what I really meant to say
And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held onto my pride
And watched you go
I wonder if you'll ever know
What I really meant to say”
It makes me wonder if you ever will know, or if you care enough to know?
Papa Roach - Gravity feat. Maria Brink
There's a few parts in this song that I feel ring true. The tones to the words, the feel of the video. It rings.
“I turned in to a devil, you could see it in my eyes
I blacked out, told everything I ever did
I couldn't take all the lies I was living with
I broke your heart”
I did tell you everything. It broke my heart and yours. I couldn’t take all the lies people were forcing on me, the position I was in. It scared me, if I didn’t live their lies I would have lost Aiden. If I did live their lies I was lying to myself.
“I'm sick of all this hell that I'm living in
And I can't escape it, this is how it feels
When you try to numb the pain with a thousand pills
You tore me down, wish that I was dead
Said you wanna sleep alone in another bed
But when I push away, you only pull me closer
Its only over when we both wanna say its over
I gotta change this is not who I am
I wanna start over wanna try this again
You're everything I need, everything I'm not
So pull the trigger give me one more shot”
I was sick of all the hell I really was, I was sick of all of it. A few times I did use pills to numb myself. That's why I was so afraid of taking any medication. I didn’t want to relapse. I was too scared of falling apart more. But I didn’t want to feel. I wanted to escape everything. Who I was then is not who I really am. It’s not how I am. You knew and know me better than anyone. “You’re everything I need, everything I’m not” its true, you were and are. “So pull the trigger give me one more shot” I wish you would, I so badly wish you would. I wish with every fiber of my being that you would.
This next part of the song, I almost feel like would be from your perspective.
“You love me, you hate me, you kiss me, you break me
You lifted me up, just to watch as you broke me
You promised me, look me straight in the eyes
Don't matter what you say, I don't know truth from the lies
I helped you up, like I always do
I forgave you for your sins and I carried you through them
What the hell have we thought, we always knew
You will bleed for me, and I will bleed for you”
I think those lines say it well enough. “Don’t matter what you say, I don’t know truth from the lies” you said something similar to me. But you do know because I told you.I think if you had calmed down, and just took a moment to think you would have realized this. If you took the time and questioned me and LET me answer. Let me explain. But it didn’t go that way. I’m sorry it didn’t go that way.
Far away by Nickelback
Ya this one is there for sure, it hits the nail on the head.
“This time, this place misused, mistakes
Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you, I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees I'll ask, "Last chance for one last dance?"
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know you know, you know
That I love you, I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore”
Who was I to make you wait? I didn’t give up, I did give everything. I just went about it wrong. I had the right intentions, but it didn’t turn out the way we had hoped. I love you and I miss you and I’ll just have to deal with that it seems.
“I wanted, I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say
That I love you (I love you), I have loved you all along
And I forgive you (and I forgive you), for being away for far too long”
I did want you to stay, I needed you to. I know I broke your heart and I wanted you to stay, that was selfish of me. And inconsiderate. But I still loved you. I didn’t want to completely lose you.
Sing the anthem of the angels by Breaking Benjamin
This one the overall feel of the song hits. Like its the final goodbye… and something stood out to me.
“There is nothing left of you,
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels,
And say the last goodbye
I keep holding onto you,
But I can't bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels,
And say the last goodbye
Sing the anthem of the angels,
And say the last goodbye”
I know I destroyed you in many ways without even meaning to and destroyed seems like a harsh strong word. ButI don’t know how else to word it.
“I keep holding onto you but I can't bring you back to life” I keep holding onto the man I loved, the way he was, but I think in a way I metaphorically killed him, I can’t bring him back..I can’t bring you back to life..though I wish I could. He was so kind and caring, a bit of an a*****e sometimes but a loveable one. One of the kindest and most considerate souls I’ve ever known.
My Immortal by Evanescence
I know this song well and so do you. But I still have to explain how and why it goes with how I’m feeling right now. Because I need to.
“I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone”
This part rang true then and it rings true now. I’m so tired of being here like this, of my fears holding me back. Because of what the fears are that are holding me back. I know you had to leave, you couldn’t be my friend if it was over. But you're still here. I can feel it even if you don’t want me to.
“These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me”
These wounds won't heal, I’ve tried to heal them. It's not working. The pain does feel unreal. It's mind blowing how real it feels. How badly it hurts. Do you remember how I used to stand by your side the best I could and put your mind at ease? Do you remember how you would do the same for me? You still have all of me, I can’t take that back.
“You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me”
You did captivate me in so many ways. And I am bound by the life you left behind. It’s how it really feels. I can’t dream now not without seeing your face. It feels like I’m haunted. And I can still hear your voice. Sometimes I think I hear you and I look up, my heart breaking when I realize my mind is playing a cruel trick on me.
“I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along”
I tell myself every ******** day that your gone. I know you're not here with me, but even when you were I was alone because of the distance between us. The only thing tying us together was a connection. And when that was gone, everything else fell apart too.
Across this new divide by Linkin Park
The opening verse hit me so hard, it might as well have come from your lips.
“I remember black skies
The lightning all around me
I remember each flash
As time began to blur
Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve”
It speaks for itself.
There was nothing inside
The memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide
The ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in
Between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve”
There really was nothing left. Or so it seemed. Because everything was lost. All I could hear and see was your hatred for me.
“In every loss in every lie
In every truth that you deny
And each regret and each goodbye
Was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve”
Each truth that you denied, each one I Told you, brought us closer to good-bye and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. Would it have done me any good to keep trying?
Who knew by Pink
“You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words
And I believed
You said to me
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
This sums it up, who knew?
“I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
This makes me want to cry...I wish I could touch you and still call you friend..who knew everyone was right when they said you’d be gone one day…
“And time makes
I wish I could remember
But I keep
You visit me in my sleep
Time only makes it worse as the silence grows. All I can do is hold onto the memories and miss you.
Just give me a reason by Pink feat Nate Ruess
“Right from the start
You were a thief, you stole my heart
And I, your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them”
This is what you did. I completely opened up to you in every way and you loved me regardless and helped piece me back together and I tried to do the same for you.
Overall this song reminds me of when things first started to get bad and we both rotated having doubts and needed reassurance from each other. But this part:
“I never stop, you're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again”
It’s true. You are.
Next song- this one stands out to me strongly. I feel like if our heartbreak and anger had emotions, this would be it if they could speak to each other.
What have you done by Within Temptation Feat Keith
“I know I'd better stop trying
You know that there's no denying
I won't show mercy on you now”
I feel like this is you. You haven’t shown me any mercy at all and didn’t deny that fact. You were ruthless.
“I know, should stop believing
I know, there's no retrieving
It's over now, what have you done?”
This says in a way how i feel, I know I should stop believing but I can’t. At the same time I can’t help but ask what have you done because of how you just cut me out of your life so easily. Or at least you made it look easy.
“I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you”
I feel like in a way this was at one point both of us, I wonder if you’d agree?
My heart is broken by Evanescence
“I pull away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you”
I have no choice but to face the pain, and I am afraid I won’t find a way to heal. Because I haven’t been able to yet. And everyone says it's been long enough. I feel like I’m going to honestly spend the rest of my life wandering this Earth miserable without you.
What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts
This song….its perfect too…
“I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me”
I can deal with so much because I’ve dealt with so much. I can pretend I’m okay..but in reality as the song says, “that's not what gets me”
“It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was trying to do, oh”
These versus say it all...it says it all where my voice fails.
Its not over by Chris Daugtry
This one speaks for itself right? The entire song says what I want to say….I don’t want to give up...I want us to at least be friends if somehow possible, I know there really isn’t a snowball's chance in hell of it happening but one can wish..
Of course there are countless other songs that could be used just as well to help put my thoughts out there easier. But these are the ones that have been getting to me the most. Each one reminds me of feelings, of moments we shared.
I hurt so badly and I feel so drained in every way. Struggling to control my own emotions is normally a struggle in itself. But when I felt yours and your presence. It took something out of me. While at the same time, giving me something.
I tried pulling my tarot cards on you because I didn’t know how else to check on you. And I was given small tidbits of information. It seems like you're well, but there is a negative situation you're in or about to be in.. I wish I could help you.
They showed giving up too soon when I asked if I should reach out to you. So I haven’t. Because I wasn’t sure what my cards meant. Giving up too soon one what?
They showed how you had ignored the fact that you needed to talk to me abou what had happened between us and it brought inner turmoil your way. I can’t help but wonder if you’ve made it through that.
Oddly enough when I asked my cards again if I should message you they said the answer was in the question. And I didn’t get it. Mentally that answer just wasn’t making sense. If by chance you do ever see this and take the time to read it. I hope you know you can always reach out to me. It might take me a moment to get back to you if I’m sleeping or at work..but you could reach out to me anytime and I would still answer you.
I just want you to know that. No, I don’t want anything from you. I’m not expecting anything from you. I want to be there for you if you need someone, I want you to know that I’ll always be there for you. I want to pay you back what I rightfully owe you. I want to try to make things right.
I feel like all the time we had, can’t have been for nothing. There has to be something left. And if there isn’t, then I don’t know…
I just miss you so much. I miss the simple things we did, those meant the most..I just miss you so much.
In a way I feel crazy because you said I lied, used you, extorted you and Goddess knows what ele. But the truth is I didn’t. I never used you, everything I said was true, the financial help you gave-you know it was hard to ask for and accept and I told you then I wanted to pay you back because it was what was right.
I guess my hope is that one day you’ll see this. And you’ll be ready to talk. Or ready to at least try. Or even take it one small conversation at a time to work through it. That’s my hope. And I pray for that every night. I’ve prayed for it every night since the night you said the most two painful words I’ve ever read “Goodbye Jennifer”.
My prayers have gone unanswered. Or maybe unheard. Maybe it's for the best but I don’t feel it is.
If you're doing well in life I don’t want to jeopardize that. At the end of the day the main thing I want is for you to be happy and healthy and be making your dreams come true. That’s all I want for you. But I’d like to be in your life again to be supportive. However, if you don’t want me to be then I won’t. That mon amour is up to you and only you.
I pray the Gods show us both mercy and that I’m not just losing what's left of my mind. After all writing this may be taking it too far, after all I should be gone in every way and not wanting to talk to you. Not wanting to see you. What you said to me should have been enough to make me want to be gone forever. As much as it hurt, but here I am. I know I’m loyal to a fault, but is this being stupid?
I’m still so confused. My heart is heavy, I’m exhausted. And I feel so lost. I wish I could hear your voice...I wish you could talk me through this…
Wishful thinking at its finest I guess…
I know you hate me, and I know you're angry..and I know you have every right to feel that way..I know that. And you have every right to not want or allow me back in your life. I know that. I guess I’m just hoping that against all odds things change...I feel like a lot more time has passed than has actually passed. If time heals all wounds then maybe I just need more time?...
Regardless..things stand as they stand…
I may add more to this over time...I don’t know. We’ll see..
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Written Letters I Can't Send
This is a collection of letters as I write them, that I cannot send to someone who was once near and dear to my heart. This is meant to be purely therapeutic as all else has failed.