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------Its replaying again in my head. Its like a scene in a movie. I've been drinking and sleeping my entire day in hopes I'd forget it but it keeps replaying. It hurts and its humiliating. It hurts, and its destroying me.

------It is dark in her living room, 5 am in the morning. Her lamp lights up her face. She is beautiful. Her dark eyes and her dimples make me swoon. I love her smile too. I want to kiss her face. I want to run my hands through her hair and hold her face. I want to kiss her forehead, her cheeks, her lips, and everything in between. She knows this but, I can't.

------It is 8 am for me in the morning. There is sunlight out already, and I hear the birds through my window. She is in California, while I am in New York. We had been going out for almost two months now, but we've been talking for more. We met in a strange time, especially with the pandemics and lockdowns. I would have never thought I would find love here of all places. I had faith though, that it will work out in the end. After all, my friend Sarah had just moved and drove from Pennsylvania to Arizona to be with her significant other. They met online too, through a game. Her story is kinda inspiring actually.

------We were in a Zoom call. Covid-19 has rendered our sleep schedules non existent and time has become irrelevant, so we mostly had been spending our time at night. We had just watched a movie and now is just talking. There is a lull in the conversation so I just stare at her beautiful face.

------"Hey.... ______," I say softly. My heart is racing and I feel warm. I decided to break the silence.

------"Yeah?" she replies back.

------"I Love you," I say confidently, staring at my screen onto her face. her beautiful face.

------She laughs and giggles. She covers her face with her cup, taking a sip. She looks away, while I stare intently. I'm waiting for her to reply back. I wait and I wait. Minutes pass and I'm still waiting. There is silence again, another lull in the conversation. I had already insecurities that I had told her. My insecurity that she doesn't feel the same. This just escalates it.

------"I love you too," She doesn't say that. Its just me imagining it. I was just there waiting still, simping.

------Luckily my cat saves me, she barges into my room. My little siamese goblin princess. I usually feed her at 8 am, and its almost 8:30. I excuse myself telling her I had to go feed my cat. I walked slowly down into the kitchen and I cry softly. My demons claw at me, telling me I'm worthless. that I'm ugly, that I'm not deserving of love and that no one will ever love me. They tell me that I should just rot and die and to end myself here. I stare at a bottle of Lunesta sitting on the shelf. My cat rubs herself against my legs breaking me out of my dark cloud. I remember why I'm in the kitchen again.

------I feed her and I go back upstairs into my room. I swallow my pain and pretend that I'm okay while the demons whisper their dark spell on my ears. I'm ugly and I'm worthless. She leaves the zoom call to go to sleep and I submerge myself into the dark waters again, knowing that I can't swim.

------I don't eat for the rest of the day. No appetite. The scene replays in my mind so I try to drink off and sleep it away. They say alcohol can make you forget right?

This is Anikacy, signing out.