As I am stuck in a rut and can't seem to focus on my work for the past 2 days, here's to hoping this stream of consciousness will clear my mind.
Considering that parts of my adult life are in a standstill limbo right now, I cannot help but appreciate the peace and relaxation this enhanced quarantine has brought me. I get to earn some cash while working, quite calmly and not in a rush, at home, allowing me to save for our big move. My graduate courses are also on hold, allowing me to supposedly focus on my work. And yet, I cannot.
I have been resorting to playing my games on the side, although for the past days, it was not just on the side. My focus seems broken and I do not know why.
Perhaps it is due to what I am working right now. Documenting the food safety management system was one of my major tasks before but I think there was some trauma there. Too much work? The somewhat sudden separation from a 4-year bond I established with the company? The horrors and difficulties I experienced there? All of this contributing to my current status as a failed adult. No savings, about to be evicted, in quarantine with no chance of health care if the need arises and well, at the bottom of the ladder.
But well, I guess that is the cycle of life. I was in the middle for 2 years, risen to the "top" for 2 years and now I am at the bottom of the pit. Not as low as when I was in college, but the challenges I face now are far different. The deaths of my grandparents and the looming debt above my head does not bode well for my future.
With the way things are going and how decisions regarding my welfare are sometimes decided without even considering my own opinion on it, whelp. How? Just. How. I cannot comprehend this, to be honest. For just one year, I made one big decision about my self, my career, my life. And well, this happened. Don't get me wrong, I know I have responsibilities. But I guess these are just too big of a factor in my life now.
What a life crisis this is. But then again, I am at a crossroads. Dreams versus reality. Reality currently winning. So much for doing everything. Lost a lot and still losing some more, gaining little by little. One step forward, two steps back.
There is a light here somewhere. As said in the Cloak and Dagger series, heroes tend to have this cycle, returning to who they once were, possibly much worse than before. I think I might be there now, at a low point once again. Will I rise up out of here, better than who I am now?
I hope. I must.
Shattered dreams, time to bend you into reality once more. Maybe not as perfect as before, but rather as shards of dreams in this timeline. Maybe it will be whole again, maybe not. But it must be, just to reflect a little hope in this life.