Another late night
Even with the new routine I end up waking back up. Thankfully no night terrors. Maybe I should color code my year? Like I know some days are harder than others & some days are trigger days so
Maybe I can have it go into a deep blue or something
Amyway, I’m not smoking so I’m having a screwdriver
At least I got The Office back
& then We Bare Bears as my Baby safety
I miss being in little space
I let go of that role officially but still... I miss it.
I said I didn’t want to write but I need to make some space in here.
Let some of this weight off
It’s crazy, even with all the progress I’ve been making, I still find myself back here, because of one thing/person.
After being basically cornered about my self deprecating ways I was faced with the fact that I am capable, if not a little more so than most, so actually getting s**t handled is damn near nothing, it’s just the emotional aspect that’s tripping me. If I don’t have that person or a similar distraction I end up just walking the void without cause/want
I’m still so tired.. at least I’m getting the little things back. It’s taking forever. But. It’s happening. Slowly but surely.
I just really wish I knew what was going on in his head. & where this is actually going.
If this was heading to friendship, we’d be making our way there. But this weight behind it is clearly a part of something bigger.
Being friends with him isn’t bad, it doesn’t take much, which is why it was so easy before
But now it seems like he’s trying to gear up to that one thing. The thing that seemed so easy for me but in reality is my own personal circle of hell.
To love as much as I do, as often as I do, for one person... for YEARS.. through the hardest parts of my life... finding them fitting everything, except the ultimate goal for you, a perfect, loving family... & permanently in a love/hate hiatus for someone you would die for... always hours away... knowing that no matter the result it’s going to lead to me losing him forever.
He needs to work up to that point. & I don’t blame him. It’s going to crush me.
I just want it to be over at this point.
First night down. Two more to go.
Ok I’m done.
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