I found out the extent of Tacos condition today. It’s a 50/50 chance between liver disease or dental disease.
If it’s the latter he just looses his teeth. If it’s the former he doesn’t have long left.
I spend every minute I can with him now. I’m not ready to talk on it. But I need to acknowledge it so I can start coming to terms with it.

I started my T break today. If Alan messages me I don’t know if I’ll be ready to talk tonight. I don’t think he will, things ended weird. But things are always weird with us now. I guess it really doesn’t matter, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be able to fix things enough to even be friends. I’m just talking to make sure he gets the closure he needs. I may have hurt him but I can do better by him by owning up to it, apologizing every chance I get, & helping him heal. I know he’s already moved on. I know I said I’m not going to assume for him anymore but.. like I’ve been saying, things are different. Adulthood is it’s own war. He gave up on this battle ages ago. I don’t blame him at all. I gave up too at the time. Now I’m just.. doing what I need to. Trying to keep it together instead of falling apart & disappearing. Or hurting myself.

Christmas was so hard. I thought I’d be in NY or Colorado for work but I ended up having the meeting in DC so surprise surprise, I could make the family event.
I showed up, overdressed & alone, to no gifts, like usual. My grandmother gave me cash after she realized I was the only one without anything. I could tell she wanted to ask. Everyone else ignored me because they knew, & they could see how tired & defeated I was. It’s true, the meeting left me raw. Our new employer was visibly into Me but respectful because Uncle was there. I didn’t say much because I’m just there for typing/notes/errand work. But I was my usual polite self. He asked if my partner would be taking care of me this evening. I laughed, because ‘if’ of course, he would’ve. He probably would’ve had me snuggled up with him, me in a onesie & drinking cocoa, him holding me tight & waiting patiently for me to finish because No Chocolate No Thank You
He asked if I had New Years plans with him then (clearly testing the waters) but I did my usual thing of ‘Buddhism appreciates the X because of Y & isn’t life wonderful’
Uncle apologized but admitted to me being there for eye candy anyways.
Which is fine, I get that’s the majority of my job, but that empty place was still healing so it ripped me raw. Then I had to walk into a house full of people expecting Him & us
Thank god Poodie showed up when she did. We went for a walk & talked about it a little. She said she’s proud that I made it this far but knew I was hurting. & she was right. I spent Christmas Eve crying out to him & hugging my pillows. Then I hurt myself. I hadn’t done it in so long. I just sat in the shower after & felt so defeated. I had been fighting for so long. Working so hard. & I ******** things over because of what? Personal insecurities? Jealousy? Abandonment issues manifesting into future commitment problems? It doesn’t matter. Just years worth of progress down the drain. I’m just glad I stopped myself. But my grandmother knew. She always knows. She just told me that things will be okay, & I’ll talk to him again. Because ’he needs the closure & you do too’

I don’t know what I need now. If you ask my heart, it says Him, but also peace. If you ask my brain it wants to be alone, & it wants progress. Real progress. Real growth. Also sleep. Both say sleep. We can agree that I will always want to sleep.

If it’s the love we shared, maybe I’ll find it again. If it’s him, there’s nothing I can do but move on. Because if I try to be friends now it’ll hurt too bad. It’s good that he’s keeping me at a distance. I need it. He’s been very clear since day one about how things are going to go. & I’m okay with it. I’m glad that he’s more sure of himself & putting himself first. I’m glad that he’s taking charge & taking care of himself. I just want him to be happy

No more playlist. No more writing for a while. Even I get tired of me

I haven’t said anything bad about myself for a bit so

******** you. seriously. Get over yourself & ******** your dumb a** baby feelings. Wipe those stupid baby tears & Go to sleep. Work out when you wake up because you ******** need to. Stop harassing him because you can’t control yourself. get your control back. Let him live his life. He will message you when he’s ready. You’re doing this for him you ridiculously retard piece of Improperly recycled garbage

& don’t forget to breath. You’re ok.