Keeping up with the keeping up
Blood testing coming up. I gotta call on it tomorrow. I’m really scared.. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.. but I know I need to know. I need to get a handle of it. All of it. & if this is what it take then I’m going for it.
Balls Deep Y’all
My little group is insane.
If we keep up on this maybe we can road trip & check out all the strip clubs on the east coast
Refocus
House-> New Car
We’ll just get something beefy enough to handle a trailer & just fix it up once we get the house
Refocus
Health for sure. Instead of making a mess of a slip up, I owned up. Stepped up. It needed to be done.
If I’m a bad influence, or toxic in any way I will disappear. But my intentions are pure, my love is true, & I only want the best for everyone involved.
So,
Keeping up with my schedule. Being nicer to myself. Learning to love purely, & not letting my anxieties make decisions for me. Not letting my anxiety be me. Or my depression take over.
Dentist/interview job 2 Tuesday->Blood testing asap -> GYN in March -> New Meds /Supplements overhaul
Keeping up with the routine, taking care of my babies, taking care of me, pretty little seedling 🌱
I need to work on my eating habits. Snacking is easier on me but it’s not healthy for working out. I get dizzy way too often. I managed to do one meal in the evening. Maybe I’ll do tiny meals, like one in the AM after I work out & meditate (boiled eggie? Yogurt yes apparently granola is bad for you too much sugar) maybe do ginger chews in the middle of the day, I know with work they’ll give me a lunch break but I’m always too anxious & just want to study
Drinks!!! Maybe I’ll have a shake or something, hemp protein
Eyyyyy okayyy we’ll work on it
But until then no drinking, (maybe one or two if I’m being social) cut down on the smoking, & SNACKSNACKSNACK
Need to figure out how to purge the rest of the s**t in this room before the move out date
End of this week coming up has us figuring out the house. We can set the move in date for uhhhh maybe end of April?
Ooo is that my birthday present to myself? EYYYY!!!
I mean, I can probably set my little lease for the car up early April (if? WHEN b***h I GOT THIS JOB) once I get settled into my two positions. I’ll wait on this brand ambassador gig until the second job gives me that wiggle room I’m looking for
7 days in the week, I can start the week DC end it MD like... waitwaitwait something’s ********
Is that too much
Check the map

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Imma hard ball it
Meaning, if they agree to my $15 an hour having a** then I WILL WAIT on the schooling. Get this house. Car. Dc in the AM, MD in the PM, chill on the weekends AM.
If they lowball me (even with all this sssssnerdy s**t lmao) thennnnnn I just do my usual 2 classes a day & work in the evenings. Rise said evenings & weekends. & I already talked about the transfer (nope, not York. Just the growing facilities since I’ll be studying that SHITT)
If I get arin in at Rise, we’ll be making 15-20 (better be 20 by the end of 2021)
Yo I swear the end of the first episode had me hooked on SVU
The dad just like
‘Ahhhhh..... Ellie... cmon... aaahhh.. aurrrgghhh.... Ellie’ 💀💀

Alright so.
Last night I did a thing. I slipped up because I saw the picture of Us at the aquarium. I remembered the girl thinking we were related. I remembered us trying to see everything but really just wanting to look at each other. I remembered us finding those necklaces. Uggghhhhwe were so cutttteeeee

Anyways. So. I messaged Him. But instead of controlling everything or freaking out I just. Breathed. Smoked. Said what I really felt. Like the raw s**t & left it to Him.
He was honest like always & adorable as always
Sooooooo after we talked, I just laid there... beaming. Warm. Content. It’s like when you forget about a cut, look back down & it’s smoothed over. I felt a bit of me coming back.
I’m soft. I always have been. It’s just this kinda life I’ve had to make do with. I just wanted to be OK. Not struggle or be so weak compared to everything’s else. But none of that matters. To me at least. I’m at the point where the life I’m setting up now is all me. I’m busting my a** but for my reasons. I’m doing what I wanted but my way. It never made sense or seemed fair when I finally got smart enough to see how it was. I did it but I bitched. I lost my smoothness & covered it with spikes. I didn’t want to think or feel. I can’t contain myself
I shouldn't keep trying like that. It’s insanity. I’ll handle it all my way.

With love, I’m embracing all of it. I’m not pursuing romantic love. I don’t need to. If there’s one thing I learned from being with Him is... the kind that I want, forever, will come when it’s supposed to. It grows from other forms. He was (& probably always will be) my best friend. I want my love, my soulmate to be my best friend. It’ll come when it comes. For now, I get to love on Him again. & He so deserves it. Soft, just like me lmao. & all those Dorks he lives with.


Alright I gotta eatttttttt smash some s**t in my face.
Brain dump ovaa