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Ryo's Travels
My life & journey through MY eyes.
Piece by Piece
"When he's doing one thing and wants to do something else, he ends up doing nothing." - Mashu on Kimamaro - C (Control: The Money and Soul of Possibility)

Basically the story of my life. I never want to do what I'm supposed to do and even when I start, I end up doing nothing. Womp.

I really need to start reclaiming my life, piece by piece. It's funny how clear this new life vision is coming. Although it's short term, I'm extremely hopeful once I get the courage to take that next step.

So long story short, I seen a video of that Hakim boy sucking Rob's d**k on the couch downstairs. This apparently happened this past Saturday. iPhone's do this thing now where they forcefully include a person's name in your text message conversation, even if their number isn't saved. For example, in my phone, it now pops up as "Maybe: Robert Felder" and his bitmoji. Of course, I rolled my eyes when I saw that. I know who the f** this is rolleyes and I saw something similar on Rob's phone when he was showing me something and a text popped up from "Maybe: Hakim Goodwin-Nelson". The same boy he was selling weed with and ******** while I was here every day back in 2015.

I'm starting to think he spends Thanksgiving with his family too. I can recall a few years back (probably in 2015) when Rob told me about the picture of them kissing, so I'm disappointed to see that they're messing around again.

I got back here Thursday night, and since then Rob has been overly nice to me. Overly affectionate. Overly serving. He got my car fixed while I was gone and cleaned up so it's been a little difficult trying to start this conversation that will ultimately end up with me moving back to Maryland. The mood here has almost felt like that conversation we had last Friday didn't happen.

After not speaking to him at all on Thanksgiving and him not answering his phone (apparently, he left his phone in Truly's car and didn't get it back until the next day :/) he called on Friday to basically start a fight with me. He started off by saying that he really wants to cleanse his life from people that weigh him down, which is something I've been telling him to do for years. Then he decides to include me in that sweep and we started arguing again. I mean, I didn't even get defensive initially. I'm at the point where, if I'm not aiding or improving his life then get me out. It's pointless and we're wasting time. But he likes to go on and on and basically wants me to prove myself to him and...I'm just tired of doing that. Meh... xp Anyway, that conversation ended messy, then I called him back and told him that we really need to argue and communicate better. The lingering question from him to me was what I truly saw in our future. And obviously, at this point, it's bleak.

Like I said in my last post, I just want to come from a place of love. And I want to close this with a lot of it. I'm willing to leave a lot of things left unsaid and take the blame on things I shouldn't even be blamed for in the name of love. In hopes of being able to come together at a later date and really talk about the truth in what happened here. That may never happen, but I want to leave the door open.

How I'm thinking about doing this:

1) Start off with, "Remember the conversation we had last Friday, where you said you wanted to get a lot of people out of your life and asked what I thought of our future. I've been thinking about our future and for many years I hoped and wished that we'd have just a basic, normal relationship and the more that time passes, the more I realize that it's probably not going to happen. At least not this go around."

2) I know he has been struggling and been trying to get out of this for a while but I was very determined to make it work and get to that place of normalcy. Now I finally see that it's unlikely that we'll get there. So we should probably take a break from this.

3) I also want to know what he did on Thanksgiving and what's the deal with this Hakim thing. I obviously know what happened but I'd like for him to tell me. I saw his name pop up on his phone before Thanksgiving and I thought about how, when they were ******** a while back, that Rob also spent Thanksgiving with him. Did he spend this thanksgiving with him? Does he typically spend thanksgiving with him? Did ya'll ******** last weekend? Have ya'll been ******** ever since?

Meh, idk. I really don't want to fight, at this point I don't even want to know why. I just want the truth. I obviously don't want to close this but I can't keep living the way I'm living in this house. Paranoid. Distrusting. Depressed. Hurt. Disappointed. Stupid. I initially wanted to stick it out through therapy, but I just. don't. see it working for this relationship. Ya know, it's not that I don't see it working, I just really don't think Rob's willing to put in the work. That and I don't think I should be the one having to push for everything. If he really wants to improve this, then I'd like to see some excitement or some initiative towards possible solutions to improve this. I shouldn't be the only one fighting here. And it's clear that Rob likes to put band-aids over situations and errs from talking and working through issues that lie deep below the surface.

So I'm pretty sure he'll be nonchalant about it all. I don't want to sit here and bring up every little thing he has done, I just don't want to do the back and forth. That's never been my MO. He likes to go down memory lane and pick apart everything, where I barely bring it up ever again. I'm just tired.

Ugh. That's all I got for now. More to come, it honestly took me days to write this (I started writing this on Thursday I believe).

One Love heart


Mood: Sad sad
Music: "Sabotage" - Jojo featuring TIKA

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