------I know I'm being super vague right now so just know that its something financially reminding itself to me since last year. I've been putting it off since because I find myself busy with life, music, film and other projects. Its something I've been avoiding because its not fun. I feel really dumb and its poor planning on my part. I always found it hard to think for future me because, it gives me anxiety. I'm more of the person that takes life as it comes to me. Planning and setting goals?, that s**t gives me anxiety. I hate the question of "Where do you see yourself in a couple of years?" I never have a proper response because I could get into a freaky accident tomorrow and die.
------I wanna change that aspect about me. A part of self love is self preservation. I need to stop acting reckless physically, mentally, emotionally, and yes even financially. I have a hard time dealing with regret as some of you may know more than others. Now that I'm getting older I find myself wondering that maybe all my past regrets wouldn't have happen had I just planned and strategized my life more. This is all easier said than done though. It's hard changing a lifestyle that I made for myself for the past couple of years. Change is hard, but I know my future self would love me for it. I just pray that I'm strong and brave enough. That the darkness won't take over my mind and dump my body into the Hudson River
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------I'm half asleep on my "bed" with Alexa playing ocean waves in the back ground. It had been an exhaustingly long but good day. It is dark in my room, with lights only emanating from electronics and equipment. Dots of blue and red from printers and sleeping monitors illuminate itself in this backdrop of black. On the other side of the room my door is open and white light is distantly bleeding its way in from the hallway. Normally I hate light because I find comfort in the total darkness and, that the light keeps me awake. I'm too tired to go close my door though.
------I see something in my peripheral vision though. A shadow walking its way in. Peeking from the door and juxtaposing itself between the faint hallway light before disappearing again. It does this several times. For a while, I think its my cat because she sometimes comes in my room. She would walk in and sniff and scent mark herself in my room before leaving. Sometimes she would come and hop onto my bed with me. Thinking its my cat, I finally turn my head around to call her name but the shadow is bigger though, way bigger than my cat. I stare at it for a while. Its standing there peeking from the edge of my door way. I'm half asleep so its a bit blurry.
------"who's there?" I try to say but my words come out slurred from exhaustion.
------Finally I gather all my strength to sit up on my bed and wake myself up. I look into the direction of the door to face the shadow but I found myself looking into my mirror instead. I know its a mirror because the hallway light is facing the wrong direction. The shadow is still there though, glancing from the edge of my door. I turn around to look at my door but there was no shadow in sight. This spooks me out a little but at this point I'm wondering if I'm just seeing things. So I turn around again to look at my mirror, and to my surprise, I find it still there. I look back and fourth to the mirror and my door to double check myself but I do see something in the reflection.
------I know I probably should just go back to sleep at this point and ignore this but curiosity takes over me. I start walking carefully closer to the mirror. I start to see my reflection emerging from the darkness. I look at myself before looking at the reflection of the doorway where the shadow is. Its dark but I see something in the shape of a hand. I see lines in my reflection tethering itself back itself to the shadow. It was as if there were strings on me. I look at my arms and legs and see nothing, I try brushing my sleeves to see if I'd feel anything but there was nothing on me. I see them though on the reflection. I move around a bit when I noticed that the hand started moving too. I am the puppet and my actions were not my own.
------The shock of that actually wakes me up, for real this time. Which is why I'm typing this. This whole nightmare has me thinking about determinism, and how I've always reject it.
Anyways I'm gonna try to go back to sleep, Thanks for reading. This is Anikacy, goodnight!
