Take things one day at a time...I should really keep that in mind.
There are days when I wake up and I have a plan. And with that plan, the wheels of motion start setting in and I slowly start to tick off items on the day's to-do list.
Then there are days when I wake up and I hate my life. I'm so sad and getting up and out of the bed takes everything I have. It's the hardest thing...today was one of those days.
I always feel bad on days like that. Especially knowing that there are so many people in the world that are truly suffering and I'm here, in the US with plentiful resources to do what I need to do...feeling sad. It's lowkey disgusting but it's a reality.
There's honestly not a day that goes by where I think and feel that I shouldn't be here, in Philadelphia, in Rob's house with him. Like I'm making a big mistake. Like my dreams, my goals, my happiness, my future success, hell...the rest of my life is on the other side of that fence. The fence representing my comfort zone where I'm comfortably situated on the inside. Warm, content, yet...suffering. There's obviously a ton of fear residing within me about making that jump. Fears that I'm not quite sure I'm ready to express right here and now.
Anyway, I previously talked about a list that Rob and I were developing. Basically a list of expectations of the other party while in a relationship. His list was pretty basic, but very solid. I believe the main ones were: 1) No sex or intimacy with anyone else 2) Support him always 3) Split the bills 4) Therapy, individually and together. I believe there were a few more but those were the main ones. Meh, very fair. I think we basically agreed to each other's lists but also agreed to have a larger conversation about sex and intimacy and create a separate list for that.
I think the discussion went well but I never leave these conversations with a feeling that everything's going to be alright with us or that he's going to stop entertaining Faheem and these other boys and sending them money. There's always a part of me that feels like I'm wasting my time. I was thinking about the bills piece and I would honestly rather save my money, not pay the bills and put it toward house repairs. I don't trust him with money and I can totally see splitting these bills and him STILL not having any money and that would literally send me up a ******** wall. There's still a large level of transparency that I'm not getting from him and, giving everything that we've gone through, it's both troubling and uncomfortable.
I kinda wanna write more, I kinda wanna take a break. I do have to meet Marlon at Max's to get him and his sister cheesesteaks (they came up to take his nephew to Legoland) and ya'll know I'm not tryna leave my damn house....so I'll be back.
· Sat Nov 09, 2019 @ 09:57pm · 0 Comments