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I.... can't sleep with all of these noisy thoughts...

I just feel so... worthless right now
hopeless, and helpless.

Why do so many shitty things have to be crammed into a week
so that I never have any peace in my mind?

First off... I need to get this off of my chest.
It didn't upset me as much as it should have
because well, I didn't think my presence in this house
would be all that noticed....

but context.

I was picked up by my friend, and his friend
after I get kicked out... I manage to get a few things
and after 13 long hours of driving, we arrive.

first, I am welcomed, but at the same time
I'm miserable, because I'm bleeding for about a month straight
because of the stress, and I had no idea that was a thing.

My friend's friend asks me what I'll be doing there
pretty much putting me on the spot for being unemployed.
I tell them that I make stuff, like digital and conventional.

My friend is upstairs making sure the room I'll be staying in
is decently cleaned out, so that we can get a bed set up
(he gave me his bed instead of the couch, to sleep on until then).

So all the while, he asks me if I could make him a life size
anime doll.... but with nasty stuff... and I thought it was a joke...
so I tried to laugh it off, but he wouldn't stop talking about it
and I just tell him no...

and since then.... it's just been... him treating me like because
I get a room, that I have to clean his messes every damn day.
Yet he preached high and low, that he only cares that I do something
with my life, to make a living for myself someday...

I can understand helping out with chores and such
but if you eat all the damn day, the house doesn't actually belong to you
and you expect people to clean up after you, even after they
manage to get a job and start helping with the bills...
it infuriates me.

If my friend wasn't involved in helping me out with this situation
this would feel like slavery, almost.

"Oh? You on the streets and in need of a safe place to stay?
well, if you come to my house, do my chores, put up with my
verbal abuse, and help feed my pervy addictions,
I've got a cozy little cold room in the attic for ya~"

I probably would have just let myself perish in the streets
if my friend wasn't involved.


As if I didn't need another reason to not feel 'at home'
had an argument with someone that I thought I was becoming
friends with, at the house.

after having a talk about this very subject with her
I was politely asked if I was okay with incense or smoke.
I tell them that I've had asthma since I was born
and that my father quit using that stuff after it almost killed me as a child
(which I vividly remember my stepmother unknowingly doing).

So she proceeds to tell me that she would burn oils instead
which were still an issue back at the house I got kicked out of.
She claims up and down that it would be fine
and I ask her if she would be able to cover medical expenses
if something were to happen... because I do not have coverage.
I can't afford it.

She and I get into an argument about it
and it ends with,
"Well if you end up in the hospital, tough luck. I can't pay for it"
... and I'm just... sitting here... dumbfounded like...
Why? Why do you care so little for life, over something like that?

She leaves, trying to slam my door, and now I have 2/3 people
who don't want me around now.

The friend who picked me up... he has defended me so much...
and has been through way much more here, before I arrived...

His line, every time I try to show concern or help him is

Me: Are... you sure that you're okay..?
Him: I've got no choice but to be.

and it just... breaks my heart every time...
because it means that he's severely hurting on the inside
but he won't let it out, because he feels like he needs to be
like a a strong pillar to keep everyone here
in line, and out of trouble.

...

I just feel like... even though I have plans to get back on my feet
I've only put more weight on someone's shoulders...
and no matter how hard I try to take it off...

I'm just here now. I can't fail at what I'm doing.
but I came here broken, both mentally and physically.
I've almost lost my mind many times
with what little control I have on it now...

My online friends... I try so hard not to break in front of them
and it just keeps happening, because I feel like each day I stay here...
I'll lose everything.

If I slip up... there will be no more gaia
no small and cozy attic room
no bed, no clean clothes,
no shower, no food...
no friends...

No real life.

There's a difference between trying to stay optimistic
and just... not being able to smile, because you can't find
a reason to.

I don't mean to let my friends down... not at all...
I just feel like, I'm literally trying to do my best with so little
and I have to smile while someone stones me mentally
while I'm trying to fix old wounds...

I just want some peace, a little time, a chance, anything...

but if life isn't much longer for me...
Then I'm sorry everyone.