My first public entry, kind of getting off to rough start
despite the wonderful events of yesterday.
Took another dive to perhaps tackle my mind at another angle
only to be met with a wall, reverting back to a mask
to hide the horrors behind it.
Psychology has always been a pretty interesting subject to study
but only serves as my enemy at times like these
closing off other perspectives to explore
with the notion of preconceptions, that should honestly be torn down.
for the sake of my new emotional investment in people again
it's crucial that I find, and place the face
that the darkness claims that I don't have...
for if I had none, then why would certain people
see something in me, that I'd never thought of?
I refuse to believe that this is as far as I can go on my own.
With a new chance at life, even 2 years can change
hardened ways with enough effort.
Just have to keep digging until I hit something...
Emotions that I had only replaced with the feeling of sadness
to discover for the first time... crusted over with the remnants
of my family battles,
Aspirations vs Expectations...
being told to slaughter my dreams without batting an eye...
but is life not but a fleeting dream in the wake of our history?
are we to abandon ourselves, for the sake of meaning without meaning?
Perhaps my hesitation, due to inexperience, was to blame.
Ill-prepared to face reality at such a young age
... I was only 7 when I realized things weren't as they should be...
Or perhaps they were..?
but to be realized as a being of responsibility at such a time
yet have no authority or power over anything...
learning quickly, that 'home' and 'safety' was only determined
by how strong your will in the face of danger, was...
it's a miracle to not have been claimed by the torrential winds
on those somber, yet calming rainy days.
To think, "Whose memories are these?"
Was this moment in my life, something that I had buried
to accept the norms that were later artificially planted
just so that I could relate with others better..?
When did it even happen?
I'll have to think about this some more, today...
For now, it's time to start the day.
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