Letter to Conner: a piece-by piece breakdown of his absolute bullshit.
I hate writing, but I spent like two days trying to gather my underdeveloped, troglodyte-esque emotions + social skills for this. I made a writing outline and everything; I don’t want to leave anything uncovered.
I’m really angry at you so it’s tempting to just say “Well I never liked you anyways,” just to hurt your feelings, but that isn’t true in the slightest and it’s completely immature.
The first thing I’d like to disprove, which I have briefly gone over before, regarding your theory that I was “leading [you] on and manipulating [you] for [my] own self benefit.” Back during the end of District Championships when this was going on I saw you as an affectionate, morally upright person who values the integrity of the group above all else. I don’t remember who instigated the sex & relationship stuff first, but if I had to guess, it was probably me. I was under the delusion the being honest about how I feel was the best option as far as interacting with other people goes. I failed my role as a mentor and protector by admitting I had feelings for you. Even with no nudity, sexual contact, or kissing of any type, talking seriously about pursuing a relationship with you-- as a member, with a 4-year age difference between us-- was wildly inappropriate and I deserve to lose my position on the team over it. At the time I knew this was a risk and that what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyways because I thought that the two of us could have a life together and also because I’m absolutely ******** retarded. I was willing to throw away the entire life I’d built for myself to be with you and yeet my entire reputation to every other adult I knew out the window over the vague promise that the two of us could have a happy marriage and kids and have in-laws that I could get along with.
The next thing is this “no self-respect,” “void,” thing. I have enough self-confidence as an adult to know this accusation isn’t based in reality, but if I were your age when I received this absolutely riveting character critique then I definitely would have been calling the suicide hotline over this one, lad. Props to you for the absolutely existential insult. The one thing I really couldn’t fit into the rest of your “proof” besides citing your own family members who totally aren’t biased in your favor or anything, was the “taken you so long to get a job” argument; personally, I fail to see how not wanting to go back to working 12 hours a day on minimum wage every weekend is anything less than an act of self-respect.
The biggest worldview problem I’ve noticed you hold is that humans are static; i.e. they don’t change or develop throughout their lives. Jacob and I were discussing this, about how you used to give unrealistic relationship advice and that your idea of “love” is less based in experience than it is in cheesy movies and cultural osmosis. We thought that maybe you cognitive dissonance-d yourself into classic douchebag belief that “My ex was just a psycho b***h who was out to get me from the beginning,” to make all your beliefs fit together instead of Occam's Razor-ing this situation down into something that actually made sense. If you can play armchair psychologist, then I can play armchair psychologist.
Humans not being static, and actually having the capacity to learn and grow and change is also the actual reason why I didn’t just break up with Raven because you told me to. I didn’t stop complaining about Raven just because you “stopped reminding [me] of all of the terrible things he has done, and the grim future of stagnating improvement.” I don’t need to be reminded of the things that Raven does because I ******** live with him. I can see with my own two eyes what Raven does. There is no ambiguity around his behavior because I’m around him every day. I started spending more time with him again and being happier in my relationship because I saw improvement. He realized he was making mistakes and put the effort forth into improving himself to preserve our relationship. That’s a thing that good people do when they care about their partner. Raven is constantly learning and changing to be a better person just like every other adult has had to. He wasn’t born with the innate knowledge on how to be the perfect partner and I’m not giving up on him over that. He isn’t perfect and I don’t expect him to be.
We argue virtually every time that we talk because I call you out when you talk down to me, or try and “disprove” an opinion I have or share an experience with you, or you start getting pushy trying to get me to say/do something. The best memories I have talking with you are not the times when you’d pick out the moral to each one of my stories and go into a cyclical lecture about some Disney-channel bullshit with no basis in reality.
You’re pushy, you’re disrespectful, and you attack me when you don’t get your way. It’s a huge red flag that you “caring” so much about me is manifesting in this huge embarrassing temper tantrum.
I don’t want your forgiveness; I won’t let you manipulate me into thinking that I did something wrong, like it’s my responsibility to control your emotions for you. You communicated to me that you had moved on and I was supporting you 100%. I wanted you to succeed in life and be happy. I did everything right to preserve this friendship and yet you still lash out at me over things out of my control. I’m not interested in continuing a friendship with you, Conner. I don’t trust you enough to believe that this behavior won’t happen again.
Manage Your Items