So I just sort of left the last part hanging, haha. So it's time to continue...
So now it's Michael, Z and I all in the lobby of Z's apartment complex. We're waiting for the uber. Z is easy to talk to. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a bit buzzed from drinking earlier in Michael's apartment, or what. In the car ride, we're all talking. Rather quickly we get on the subject of me being single. Michael always tells everyone I'm single in hopes of helping me I guess. I start saying how I want a guy who went to a good school, has a good job and has an apartment. Obviously it all sounds really superficial. Z is just genuinely intrigued I think. He keeps asking a lot of questions. He's an interesting person. The uber driver even jumps into our conversation at one point, since he obviously does not meet my criteria. Once at the casino, Z tells me he'll probably get a bad uber rating after all I said in the ride. xP
We get drinks and then Michael starts playing blackjack. I'm drunk and watching him, having no idea what's happening. Z then starts playing and has me play for him. I don't know what's going on, but he tells me what to do. We end up winning a lot of money, but then losing it. In the end, I think we ended up making $8. I figure he's probably interested in me at that point.
From there, we go on to Round 1 which is this super weeby arcade. Michael loves going there. I went there with him before. I've been there several times with other people. Michael is super drunk by that point, but he keeps drinking. I start hanging out with Z and this other Korean guy, Samuel. Michael starts hitting on this fat, ugly girl and they go off outside together. That hurts so much since Michael and I just did things earlier that night. It makes me feel like I mean nothing. I shut down and I just want to leave at that point. Samuel picks up on it and hugs me. I lowkey start crying and he pulls me away to talk. This dude gives the best advice. It's really tough-love style but it's so good. He really helped me realize I can't be upset over this. I just need to keep moving. So I did. He's really into hand-holding. So we keep holding hands and it does help. I lowkey suspect he's interested in me too.
Z ends up ordering some food and ice cream for us. I end up eating most of it even though it's meant for sharing. xP No ******** given when I'm drunk and sad.
After that, we all go to Denny's at like 3 am. I'm mostly quiet and on my phone at that point. I'm still a bit upset because of Michael. Z keeps trying to involve me in the conversation, though. He's asking if I would ever date a bisexual guy. I figure he's asking because he's bisexual. Later I found out he's very straight. He just likes to ask interesting questions like Michael does.
After the food, Michael, Z and I all get an uber back. That night when I was feeling sad, I ended up telling Z that I pretty much have no friends. I'm really lonely. He invited me to come out to a board game night with his friends one night. I really love when people try to reach out to me... So that was really nice.
I did bring my overnight stuff to stay with Michael, but when we got out of the uber, I had already planned to leave. The uber continues on to take Z home once we were dropped off. I forgot to exchange contact info with him.
The moment the car is gone, Michael starts coming onto me again. I still like him, so it's hard to say no. He keeps telling me I should stay the night, it's late. It's 4 am. I say okay.
We get in his apartment and get ready for bed. Once in bed, he starts trying to have sex with me. I'm still upset about earlier. I keep saying no, and he keeps pushing. Eventually, I start crying and saying I love him. It hurts me to do this. He then backed off and fell asleep. I eventually fell asleep too. When you pull the love card, it's harder for people to be mean. Let me be straight up. Michael and I never had sex. I only have sex with people who I feel I'll have a longterm relationship with. I need to feel secure and safe. However, I did do other things for him. Just never sex.
We wake up at 1 in the afternoon. I'm still feeling a bit weird. We go out for pho for lunch. There, I tell him it hurts too much to have this sexual relationship with him. It's confusing to me as I associate sexual things with relationship/love. He then finally understood and said he wouldn't try to do sexual things anymore as we're just friends. Plus he's leaving. That made me feel a lot better. We then started talking about Z. He told me Z is older than us. His life is more together. However, Z loses interest in girls fast. Upon hearing that, I don't even want to try for him. That's what happened with Alex and I'd rather not go through it again. But then Michael said if he and I did date, it could be different. It could work, I shouldn't give up. He gives Z my number for me.
Z texts me later, inviting me to the board game night. It's on a Tuesday and I know I'll be working late that day. I ask if I can do it next week instead and he says sure.
The following week, I arrive at his apartment complex. He drives us over to his friend's apartment. The entire thing feels like just friends. The way he is treating me. I'm used to boys trying to court me if they're interested. He does none of that. I'm fine with it, as I really want friends. He's extremely easy to talk to. He always has questions to ask me that lead to in-depth conversation. That's the kind of person I need in my life. Otherwise it's so awkward and uncomfortable to be with them.
The night is okay. Not very fun for me as most social things stress me out. After, he drives us back to his complex. He hugs me goodbye in the parking lot and he turns to go. But then he stops and turns back. He says his friends are going to a wine bar on Saturday night. He asks if I want to come. I say sure, happy to be invited out again. I thought that may have been it for us. Just hang out once.
On Saturday, he texts me telling me his friends are bailing, so it will just be us. I'm fine with it as I mostly just like hanging out with him anyway. But it feels so much like a date now. Like he set it up this way on purpose. As I'm getting ready, I keep wondering. Is this a date? I don't know. I guess I'll find out.
Once I arrive at his apartment, we take uber into downtown. We go to this wine bar. I don't really drink, honestly. This is all pretty new to me. We get a table and some wine. Once again, conversation is effortless. He knows how to keep is going which I really appreciate. We talk about things that I don't even remember the last time I even thought about. Like our middle school days and how awkward school dances were. From the wine bar, we go to an actual bar. He picks my drink and I pick his. I know the one I picked for him was called getting lucky or something. It was definitely some sexual reference. From there, I'm drunk. The bar is playing music so loud we can barely hear each other. We take an uber back to his place. He says he has crackers and cheese to help sober me up. There, we eat crackers and keep talking. We're watching things on his tv. I told him I like anime, so he puts on some ones he used to watch forever ago. I'm having a good time, but it's nearing 1 am and I want to go home. I feel sober by that point. I figure we're just friends since he's made no moves on me. But then, he puts his arm around me. It clicks then that he's interested in me. I don't pull away. I do like him. I like spending time with him, but I'm cautious.
He then tilts my face towards his and we start kissing. I can feel his heart racing and it makes me smile. We make out for a long time, but I do have to leave. After the first kiss, he looks at me. He said he didn't know if I liked him and I said I didn't know if he liked me either. Neither of us knew what was going on. But then we just kiss more.
When I do leave, he walks me out. He takes my hand. I remember that. At my car, I keep kissing him again. He comments how affectionate I am. I like him a lot.
That night, I barely sleep. Infatuation had kicked in hard. I don't need sleep. I don't need food. My metabolism is in overdrive. It feels like cloud 9.
We continue seeing each other and things move really fast. He makes me his girlfriend. I feel so happy, but I'm also terrified. What if we can't have sex? What if the same thing that happened with Alex happens again? My body never felt right after Alex. My bladder hurts everyday. What if he loses interest in me like Alex? What if I say all the wrong things again and scare him? I can't. I force myself to keep things inside. Keep things hidden out of fear. Who I am is scary. He's normal and doesn't have experience with the things I have experienced. I can't expect him to understand.
I feel like there's a thousand walls around my heart now. How can I ever let anyone in? I'm so scared.
After a couple of weeks, he starts pushing for sex. I get scared. He tells me I have to trust him or this won't work. I say okay, I will. It takes time. This scares me a lot.
When we finally do it, nothing happens. I do take a couple of preventative measures after each time, but maybe it's okay. Maybe my body's not rejecting him.
Z initiating touch stops pretty fast. He isn't an emotional or affectionate person in the slightest. He's not used to touch. The only time he tries, is when he wants sex. It starts to bother me. I love cuddling and holding hands. I ask him if he can do it more, like he used to. He said he'll try. He doesn't try. I try not to let it bother me. I decide I want him. I want it to work. I have to accept these things. I have to be understanding. People are different. I really want to try this time. So I do.
With Z, he always wants to be with his friends. He's very social, meanwhile I am very non-social. It stresses me out. I like one-on-one time. We spend a lot of time doing things with his friends. Some of them I like, others, not so much.
He and I are very different. I know this from the start. Sometimes I think it can't work because we are so different. My mind goes into dark spirals. So much of this is out of my own insecurities, not based in reality.
We've been together over four months now. I was terrified it would blow up around three months like it did with Alex. But no. Unlike Alex, Z in understanding. Z isn't emotional, but one emotion he does have is anger. He gets irritated at me over small things. It scares me. I don't like when people are upset at me. Especially for something small like being unable to decide on what dessert I want. But he tells me people can't be happy with you all the time. He gets over things fairly quickly. He doesn't want to break up just because I did something irritating.
To me, our relationship feels like a roller coaster. To Z, I believe he feels it's stable. So much of this is all in my head. It's based on past relationships.
Every time I feel scared. Scared we will break up or there's an issue, I try to talk to him. It terrifies me. With Alex, he would just make me feel worse. It would blow up in my face. My fears would only be confirmed. I would feel pain rather than relief. With Z, it's different. I feel better. He is understanding and listens to me, and I listen to him to better understand. That part is good. Still, I'm afraid to bring issues up. I'm afraid it will turn into how it was with Alex. I create all these problems for myself. Most of the time if I'm upset about something, I stuff it down. It usually goes away.
Right now, he's in Ukraine. He's been in eastern Europe for the past twelve days. He'll be gone for three weeks. He went on a trip with two other friends. Two friends that are single and looking to hook up the entire time. I knew it would be hard. I tried not to think too much about it before he left. My one goal was to not break up before he left. I didn't want it to be like Alex all over again. I managed to meet that goal. The moment we parted, I started to feel anxiety. We said goodbye in the morning. The rest of the day was hell for me. He hadn't left yet, but it was already so hard. It was on a Tuesday which I had off from work. I would have Thursday off too for 4th of July. The days off have been the worst thing. I started imagining him cheating on me. Joining in with what his friends were doing. I felt sick. And I literally could do nothing. When he arrived in Turkey, he text me. The texts seemed like he was drunk. It was nearly 4 am there. That only fueled my anxiety. When I was at work the next day, I was better. I was distracted. Then 4th of July came... It was hard.
At work, we have several people at our office helping us for 60 days. They came from other offices like Fresno and Sacramento. Offices where they don't have overtime. They're being housed in a hotel. USPS has to be losing so much money over this. But the whole peninsula is so understaffed, we badly need help. One of these people has started trying to talk to me. He started parking his truck near me in the morning. At first, I was irritated by it. I knew he was trying to talk to me when I wasn't interested in the slightest. He kept trying, and eventually broke through. He's actually really cool. I know he's very interested in me... But I figured I'd just do what I always do to get friends. Hang out with a guy even though I know he likes me. Keep friendzoning him. Tell him scary things about me to make him lose interest. There's a 50/50 chance. Some guys end up being my good friend and are fine with it, others get frustrated and fight me. I'm sure they always hold onto hope that they can get with me.
This guy, who is named Greg invited me out for 4th of July. So I went to his hotel and we drank. It was actually fun. For a couple of hours, I felt no anxiety over Z. I completely forgot about it. I cling to anything that makes me feel better.
After that, I worked that Sunday. I was panicking on my days off, so I would rather be at work. At work, I felt mentally stable. Almost apathetic about Z being gone. I started talking to Joseph a lot. His girlfriend is currently gone for 5 weeks in Thailand and Vietnam. So we are kind of going through the same thing. Though he has a much more serious relationship with his girlfriend. He made me realize that Z will do whatever he wants. If he wants to cheat, he will. I have no control. Me worrying over it does nothing but make me miserable. So I shouldn't worry. I don't worry when I'm distracted. The next day off was Wednesday. I had to take it. I thought it would be okay. It ended up being really bad. A panic attack started while I was driving. I hadn't had a panic attack in almost six years. Luckily, it didn't become full-blown. I just got very light-headed. My heart was pounding, my stomach got really tight. My hands went numb and I couldn't move my fingers. It started to feel like I couldn't breathe, but it didn't go beyond that. Issue was, I had to drive back home after I got work done on my car. I was scared to drive back. I was scared another panic attack would start. I took half an anxiety pill before trying to drive back. It didn't work. I spent the whole drive back feeling like nothing was real. My hands were numb and I couldn't move my fingers. It was scary, but I made it home.
Now, Z being gone is not my only source of anxiety. My current roommate told me he will be leaving when the lease ends in September. Finding a roommate that past two times were so insanely stressful. The stress for this started before Z left.
So I have been dealing with two extremely stressful things. While driving, I was on a highway where it wasn't easy to pull off. That scared me. I was scared I may pass out or throw up for some reason.
Yet at work, I felt totally fine. I just wanted to be at work all the time as it felt safe. I told Greg I had the panic attacks and I thought that would scare him off. It turns most people off. I didn't bother telling Z about the panic attacks. On average, we exchange one pointless text a day anyway. I don't want him to know I'm having a hard time. To him, I'm completely fine. I have to hide all these bad parts of me because I feel like he won't like me anymore if he knew. Now, I don't know if that's true or not. I'm too scared to find out.
Greg stopped parking next to me after that. I figured he was done. But then he messaged me telling me he was sick and wasn't in the mood for talking. I did miss him talking to me every morning. He was easy to talk to and fun. I kept trying to decide if I wanted to work Sunday. I was terrified of being in a state of constant anxiety if I didn't work. Yet... I didn't want to exhaust myself by having to work seven days straight. I decided to take the day off. Saturday night, Greg wanted to go out. We went into the city and had dinner. Then we went to a bar. It was fun. He opened up to me and said he also struggled with depression and other things. He told me everyone has problems, just some people are better at hiding it than others. I never suspected that as he's so happy and positive. It made me see him in a new light, honestly. I'm not used to people who get me. I'm used to them shutting me down when I open up. We also connected over a few other shared interests that I thought were things only I was interested in. After last night, I do like him more. I'm not saying I'm romantically interested in him.
However... Now it's Sunday. Z text me yesterday asking me how things were going. I gave him an update on the roommate situation and also told him I was going out with my co-worker. He asked what we were doing. I said I wasn't sure yet, maybe mini-golf or go-karting. Greg did say he wanted to do that before. He then replied with "This isn't a date, is it?" I replied with no, we're strictly friends. I made it clear I have a boyfriend. He didn't reply after that, which I didn't expect him to. He was texting me when it was nearly 3 am in Ukraine. But he didn't text me today. He didn't text me Wednesday either. Plus when he's here, we never text, so it's not particularly unusual. Still... Since I'm not working, it put me on edge. I spent the day cleaning mostly to show the apartment. I interviewed one guy and he seemed like a great roommate match. I showed him the apartment and he agreed to be my roommate! I only had to interview two people. Then show him the apartment. It was so easy! I still can't believe it. So now I'm hoping a huge amount of stress has been taken off of me.
I text Z letting him know I found a new roommate. I sent the text when it was 1:30 am in Ukraine. He didn't reply, but it showed it was received so he must be somewhere with wifi. He usually texts me when it's very late there... So I thought he was probably still awake. I wonder now if he's irritated at me for going out with my co-worker and he's ignoring me. It's also very possible he's asleep. But... I know he gets irritated over small things. When he does, he doesn't talk to me for a couple of days. So then that stirs my anxiety right back up. What if he thinks I'm cheating? So he wants to cheat on me in return while he's there? There's so many what-if's... And I worry about this mostly when I'm not working. I wish I could stop my mind from doing this. If I don't hear from him tomorrow either, I'll know he's upset with me. I can't do anything about it. I can't make a big deal out of it. I just can't. I try hard to come off and secure and mentally stable. I just have to be okay. Tomorrow, I'll be at work. It will probably be a long day, so I'll be fine. My next day off in Thursday. On Wednesday night, Greg and I will be partying it up at his hotel. Turns out we both like really dark shows and movies... So we're going to watch this dark show, Euphoria. I started watching it at Z's since he has HBO. But since he's gone, I'm missing the new episodes. Z always asks why I like ******** up stuff like this. I just do. It resonates with me. Z likes action movies. Superhero movies. Good conquers evil. That stuff bores me to death. Real life isn't like that. Real life is dark. Greg understands that.
On Thursday, I'm getting my hair done among some other errands, so I hope I'll feel okay. On Sunday, I'm supposed to pick Z up from the airport. I honestly don't know how I feel about it. Will I be happy to see him? Will I be scared? Probably both. I do frequently think about how much I miss him. I think that I love him. It's hard to hold in sometimes. I find myself almost blurting it out when I'm with him sometimes. But I'm too scared to say it. When Alex and I broke up, I told him I loved him. He didn't feel the same way. Michael also didn't return my feelings of love, obviously. It feels a bit lonely to not have the words repeated back to you. I don't want to scare Z by saying it. So I just keep it inside. I want this period of us being apart to be over. But what if things blow up when he comes back? I can't know if it will or not. I can't waste my life always thinking about these what-ifs... Yet... I don't know how to stop.
ALRIGHT!!! Man, that was really really long. But that's pretty much a summary of what's been going on. Obviously I still left a ton out... But I got most of the main things in. :,^)
I do want to keep journaling, as it helps a ton to write about this. So I will try to keep it up!
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