Bereft - adj.

(of a person) lonely and abandoned, especially through someone's death or departure.


It started with a lasagna and a pretend strip tease.

As silly as it sounds, that's the start of it all. If I didn't start from there, I wouldn't know where else to go. So much has happened, we've gone through so much that it's next to impossible for me to start elsewhere and not miss out on something important. Because, you know

you were important to me.


Fast forward!

It's rare, a time that I'm so full of feelings and emotions yet at such a loss of words. I have so many thoughts going through my mind that I'm struggling to put them all on the page. Because this. This is the journal entry of a turning point. A beginning. An end.
Something.
Anything.

People always say it's hard to be left behind. I know this. I've felt that feeling of being left behind. At the same time, I don't want to diminish what the other is going through too, because often times their story is overlooked. But God damn, it's hard always being the one left behind.

What a hypocrite.

I say that, yet in my mind I have these thoughts.
It's terrible. It doesn't need to go this way, yet my mind couldn't help but toy with the idea of it. No matter how painful it is.
Closure is when both parties are able to leave with a sense of finality and peace, that things have been resolved. Yet this, we may look at it and call it closure because one party has given their reasons and shown their story for why they left.
But it would be so easy. So, so easy to let those words slip from my mouth and across the screen. Words that could ruin it all.

Yet I know. You've made your peace, you've found yourself and you've proven yourself strong. Pulled yourself together and pulled yourself through. This is the proof of how much you've grown and what you want to show. Deep down, I still love you. Deep down, you will always have a piece of my heart. To hurt you would be to hurt myself. Because I know that even if I want to inflict pain on you, let loose all of the hurt and anxiety I've been holding in all this time, it would hurt me even more to see you go through that.

You've tried to give me as good an explanation as you can.
It's nearly fallen on deaf ears.
But for how much I've loved you, all the things you've shown me and taught me, that's what saved it.

Maybe you'll read this sometime. I know, even now you're still hanging there. Possibly waiting for a reply or perhaps already moved on. You've had your time, I will need mine.


And here they are.

It hurt when you said you fell for someone else. It hurt when you said it was half a year ago, so close to the time you'd left me. I understand your feelings are yours and I can have no hold over them. Even so, I wish that sometimes, you'd look my way even if for a second.
I had a feeling, that even though you'd told me you needed more time to sort out your feelings and before reaching closure with me, it didn't happen. It always felt as if I was never on your mind. Like I'd always been on the backburner and was always secondary. Not just to the things you needed to focus on, but even in days where there was so much more time, I just never crossed your thoughts.
You'd left it open ended. And there are consequences. It's been a year, you know. Even now, I can feel time slowly sliding past me. It feels like a golden poison, dripping and seeping into my very being. I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm sorry.

But you need to know. There are consequences.

It's left me with an emotional baggage, so heavy and scarring that I haven't even told my best friend.
It's crippled me for months, for when I functioned as only the half of the human being you had left me.
It's made me hesitate, leaving my heart and my mind to look onwards, not in hope but at all of those that have already gone ahead.
It's clouded my compass, so I could no longer clearly see that my heart wished to do.
It's bled my heart out, leaving a lasting imprint on me. When I breathe, my lungs collapse and struggle for air.
It's been killing me. Slowly. Every day, week and month you've left me in the dark.

I've written my feelings out. Now, when I think of you, I can breathe in and breathe out. When I think of all the things that have hurt me, my heart is still. I forgive you.

When you left me, I was bereft. Through this long year, I've slowly regained myself. In these past few days, I'd been seeping into depression again. And now it's drawing to a close.
I was bereft, now I am free.