So....I've been told to go crazy. I think I will take this opportunity to do just so.
Not in the literal sense, that I've become a crazed person and lost of sense of reasoning. Naaaaah, that ain't me. After all, you can't lose something you never had.
I feel....tired. Listless. Lonely. In other words, I'm in a depressed mood. I have been for the past few days. There's been several reasons why and I've already hashed them out with a friend of mine. It's nothing new, in all honesty but it's been a while since the last time I've felt like this. I'd almost forgotten how it felt. I guess this was a good reminder for that case.
To you, the one who holds a piece of my heart.
Thank you. You know who you are. Coincidentally, you have a place in another journal entry of mine. It's described more of the past, the hurtful things, the things I felt strongly. I still feel strongly yet things have changed. Time has passed since then.
It's strange. I'm talking with you now as I write this. You still bring about those feelings, but I'm okay with it. Because you're here. And you're present. Things like these, I really cherish. Quality time is quality relationship! That's what I like to say to one of my friends, given how we're similar. It's true with me, that's how I feel like someone cares. My love language, so to speak.
I hope you've been well! I know there are things you don't tell me, don't update on. And that's fine, you know. I've gotten used to it and it's one of the things I accept now. You've taught me a lot, both of myself and the world. I can't thank God enough for having placed me in your life, where we met. Yeah, there may be times I wish things never happened or I never felt those things. But In the end, I think I always come back to this place of acceptance that that's how things are and I'm going to have to be okay with it.
It's frankly kind of amazing to me that you're still talking to me. There have always been times I've felt that you always took any care for me and placed it elsewhere. Other people, other things. Sometimes, it hurt. A lot of the times, it was simply saddening. As it stands, I can be an incredibly jealous friend. I always wished to be more, you know? But I know I'm not meant to be there, taking the spotlight. Even so, forgive me for taking this time to selfishly believe I'm a priority, that I'm one of those that matter strongly.
I'd never been able to fully cut you off. Never fully leave because of how much you mean. If my thoughts trailed off to throwing everything away, you are one of those that pulls me back. My heart wants to leave, but it cannot leave behind those that hold a piece of it.
But it can be left behind.
I've felt that, all too much. It's hard being the one left behind, just as it is to be the one that leaves.
Maybe I'm still in their memories.
Maybe to someone, I'm still a hero.
But I know, as much as I would have loved to stay, I cannot simply because they left me without a place to do so.
I'm going to leave it here for now. I don't think I'm well enough to continue.
Get some more sleep, eat well, take care of yourself!
For you should know that you are oh so loved and so, so precious.
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