So... In February of 2018, I met a guy named Michael. Michael was someone I considered a ********. He found me on facebook through my cosplay friend Ben and started trying to talk to me. I ignored him for a long time since I was with Jen and I wasn't interested. In February, I messaged him saying I finally wanted to hang out. Though I had my roleplays, my love life was dead. I thought there was no harm in meeting him. Maybe I'd like him... So we met. My mind had never been so blown.
It turned out he graduated from Stanford and worked at Google. I thought he was some loser who went to conventions to pick up girls and lived in his mom's basement. He had his life together. Or he did more than most people I knew. There has only been one other time I was this attracted to someone. It was overwhelming. But... He had a girlfriend. When we met, they had just broken up due to a fight. I wanted him to be with me. To pick me. But he said he was so into his girlfriend.
The next day was Valentine's day. He told me he got back together with her. I was crushed. After that... He and I would hang out occasionally. Every second with him was a gift. I loved being with him. I was completely infatuated. Hours flew by like minutes with him. I never wanted to leave his side. Then came Fanime in May. As usual... I went with my ex llama. Llama and I broke up a long time ago, but remained friends. On the first day of the con, Michael invited me up to his hotel room. I ditched llama. I still feel horrible about this...
When I stepped into that hotel room, I stepped into a brand new world. I was surrounded my all these people who I thought were cool. Michael was the center of it all. That night, we were all drinking in the hotel room. Michael was so drunk. That night, we crossed the line in our friendship. Was there ever really a friendship between us? There was always an obvious attraction. I was someone he wanted to ********. And he was someone I wanted to have a relationship with.
The next day, he wanted to talk to me alone. He told me in order for us to date, I had to agree to being the mother of his three children. Honestly? I don't want kids. I told him that before... But I liked him so much. Loved him in some weird way. Or so I thought. Lately I question what love is. I don't know anymore. I feel the older I get, the less I understand. I never knew him well enough to love him, so I guess it was infatuation. Infatuation is my favorite feeling in the world. Nothing feels better.
But... I would have done anything to make him mine. I agreed to have his kids, knowing full well it would never happen. If we ever did date, it would blow up. It would hurt me badly. There was no way around it. I hoped it would give me the courage to finally kill myself. I honestly can't believe I've been alive as long as I have. How did this happen? I wasn't supposed to live this long. When I think of where I'll be in ten years... My first thought is not on this planet hopefully. Something's wrong with me. There has always been something wrong with me.
After the convention, I went on that trip to Florida... I already wrote about that part. I just needed to mention Michael before continuing on with the next part.
Enter Alex. Alex and I had immediate chemistry. Everything flowed so naturally on our first date. Meeting Michael had given me the courage to try dating people like him. People that went to schools like Stanford. Who worked amazing jobs.
Alex graduated from Stanford. He worked in tech. He had his own apartment. The more I learned, the more intrigued I was... But scared too. On our second date, he told me he was bipolar along with having some multiple personality disorder. I was so shaken. On our first date, he had been perfect. And now... That illusion had been shattered. I was terrified, actually. I thought he may try to kill me. I wanted to leave and never seen him again. But he bought he flowers. He took me out for hotpot and then to a movie I really wanted to see. No one had done these things for me before. I was torn. I thought after that date, I'd never see him again... But then as time passed, I decided to give him a try. Was this a mistake? I'm not sure. In the end, it ******** me up.
He was so into me at first. He was texting me all the time, being flirty, and spending tons of money on me. He took me to get a massage. I've never been with someone who had money. Who wanted to spoil me like that. He had a great track record for longterm relationships like me. I was certain we'd be together for years. I thought we'd get married. Excluding the mental illness, he was everything I wanted.
Problems started early on. The first time we were intimate, I got a UTI. It had been two years since I had sex with a man... So I thought it was normal. I'd take antibiotics and it wouldn't happen again. But no... It happened after every single time we had sex. I didn't know what was wrong. I was suffering, though. I was constantly calling into work. I was at the doctor every other week. It was horrible. So... We never really had sex as a result. Do guys really want to stick with a girl who they can't even have sex with? No. In his last relationship, his girlfriend stopped wanting sex for two years. He said he couldn't do that again. But it wasn't because I didn't want it... I couldn't help it. My body was rejecting him.
One night, we had this deep talk in the parking lot of my apartment complex. He told me where his feelings were for me. Things I did right and he liked, and things that were wrong. I opened up to him and made myself vulnerable. As a result, I felt significantly worse after. I regretted it. It put me on edge. I felt not good enough for him after that.
I thought he didn't like me anymore. But then he wanted to take me on a trip into the city. He booked us a suite in this 5-star hotel where the staff called us by his last name. I've never been somewhere so nice in my life. He continued spoiling me. Whenever we were together, I never paid for a single thing, ever.
During the trip, there were silences between us. We would run out of things to talk about, it was awkward. I could feel himself pulling away, and as a result I clung onto him tighter. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to act like how he did in the beginning. He never text me anymore when we were apart. I didn't feel wanted. I was so scared.
I found myself being hyper-aware of everything on that trip. Did he reach out to hold my hand? Did he try to touch me? I was so on edge.
At the end of the trip, he drove me home. The conversation turned dark. Again, we had another deep discussion of things wrong. He told me good things as well, but I never heard that. All I heard was I am doing things wrong. He doesn't like me anymore. He wants to breakup. That night, I didn't sleep. I got another UTI and had to call in for work. Being with him was making me miserable.
In December, I was leaving for Hawaii for a week. When I was gone, he was leaving for China and Japan for a month or so. His mom lives in Hong Kong and is a famous pop star. His dad is a producer in Japan. The night before I was going to leave, we made plans to meet. That day, I text him asking when I could come over. He had forgotten I was coming over. He had made plans with his friends that night. I could feel my heart shattering. We were about to not see each other for a month and he forgot we were meeting one last time? I knew he didn't like me anymore. I had to end things. No way could I go a month without seeing him, feeling this constant anxiety. Having him not talk to me at all while we were apart. I asked if we could meet before he saw his friends and he said sure. I showed up to his apartment and told him I think he wanted to break up. He was but taken back and denied it. But then I pointed to all the evidence... Eventually, he agreed he did think that was for the best. He felt something was missing in our relationship. The breakup lasted a good hour and a half or so. I spent most of the time crying, unable to really say anything. It hurt so much. He was what I wanted, but he didn't want me. He had initially told me I was perfect. Everything he was looking for. And now it had changed. His feelings had changed. I eventually left, getting in my car. As I drove away, I could see him watching me in the rear view mirror as I burst out sobbing.
Early the next morning, I left for Hawaii. I was so depressed. On that trip, I started to think maybe we could get back together. There was a problem with our communication, maybe it could be fixed, maybe...
On Christmas, I messaged him to wish him a Merry Christmas. He always replied and was nice, but it was obvious he really had no interest in having a conversation with me. It made me feel bad. Ashamed for even trying.
I messaged him again on New Year's eve. Same thing.
Right after Alex and I had broken up, Michael and his girlfriend broke up too. I had thought Michael and I would finally be together. But I quickly learned he just wanted to use me for sexual favors. That got old fast. Still, I continued to talk to Michael and occasionally see him. I kept asking him to take me on a date, but he never would. In February, Michael messaged me telling me he was moving to New York. He wanted to talk to me. He wanted me to come out with his friends for a going away party type of thing. I had started using the dating apps again at that time. I had a date set for that night. But Michael was moving? I had convinced myself long ago Michael and I would be together someday. If he was moving... There was no way that could happen. It felt like my fantasy was shattering. Michael mattered more to me than this online date, so I rescheduled the date.
I met with Michael in his apartment and the first thing he wanted from me was... Well. Yeah... And I obliged. I would have done anything for him. Almost. After, we talked and he told me he had wanted to move for a while and was finally doing it. He would be there for five years at a minimum. I had no choice but to accept it.
So then we went out. We had to walk to his friend's apartment and from there, we would take uber to this casino. This friend of his was a former co-worker. His name is Z. When I met him, I didn't think much of him. He asked how Michael and I met which Michael responded with "I used to hit on her". It was clear from the start I was very into Michael still.
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