I dyed my hair on Thursday and it has come at a strange time. I'm putting distance between who I was and I'm very unsure as to who I am now. I don't know what kind of personality or interests I have. I know identities are always in flux, this is not a psychotic thing. This is merely growing pains, where you change and adapt over time.
Over the drive home from LA, where we went to a Beverly Hill Wedding in some fancy historical mansion, I think I finally found a way to kill of the appeal of Sakura and Axel. They will never bother my heart again. I will never love him ever again. It's sad and it was exhausting to think through it. My mind was swirling like the dirty water at the bottom of a bathtub.
The connecting piece for me is that my current boyfriend IS Axel. That is who he is right now. He won't always be Axel and I desperately hope that he grows out of these ways. I am also Sakura and I don't want to be her. I need to actively stop the habits that were hers and I need to change my way of life so that I no longer am her in any shape or form.
In the car, I started comparing and associating all of my buried feelings with how Michael has been acting lately. I have been holding his hands in life to an extreme that disgusts me. I literally have to text or call him to get him to eat every afternoon, or else he "doesn't need lunch." If he has not eaten by the time I get home from my 8 hour shift and 2 hours morning shifts, he immediately demands food and has terrible mood swings that he blames on me.
He says that he cannot be himself around me because he is worried it will set me off. I do so much around the house and to make his life easier that I'm appalled by this statement. I gag every time I hear him say it.
I know that he handles a lot of the finances and this is because he has a higher standard for life than I do. He has such high standards that he has implied that I need to quit the job that I love so that I can make enough money to keep up with him. He wants to travel and I get that. I'd love to travel too. I'm just more patient about degrees and the fact that I need my lead teacher to retire so that I can swoop in, after maybe a year or two of experience. This way, the district knows me and puts me first since I know the kids and site.
You would think that was self-explanatory but he's super impatient. He almost wanted to break up with me because he is so frustrated with living in a duplex with me. Dude. I'm sorry we don't live in a fancy mansion or huge house or are married like your friends who are entrepreneurs in the Bay Area.
I work in the education department. I will never make tons of money. Never. This is how our country operates. Sorry.
I love my life. I make fun things for myself day in and day out. I have trouble understanding how someone can be so unhappy with their lives when they work from home and basically are their own bosses. He has all of this wonderful food around him and tons of things to do but instead he passes out at the tv and complains about how the house and our neighborhood are a prison to him.
I rearranged the house to make more space for him. I've basically hidden anything of mine away in drawers or trashed them. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore and is sticking around mainly for the sex. I know he loves and and that I love him, but I ******** hate how he acts at this age. I can't ******** wait until he realizes how good his life is and that I'm a core reason his life is so ******** wonderful. I just want him to appreciate and enjoy life with me, as I do with him. I just... want an equal love.
Bah, but most of this is venting so it sounds horrible. He isn't that bad, though he is ******** immature as hell. I'm still finding my balance with my moods, especially since I no longer take meds and I work basically all day. If I'm not balancing my two jobs, I am taking care of my boyfriend and the house. It's a full time job when it's just once person.
Our cat is awesome. Little Gaara is super lovey these days since we keep leaving over the weekend. Haha. He is getting very disturbed by his parents leaving. >w< It's kinda sweet to see how big he is getting and how much more attached he is becoming to us as his owners. I love our bby kitty.
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