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The Journal of a Drifter Random ramblings from a drifting drifter!


Stardust Drifter
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Getting Real for a Moment
Right now I wish there was someone who was there to listen, lately I've just been feeling so depressed. Lonely, left out, jealous. I get up every morning and go to a job that has just beat me down over the past two years. Sure I like making money and I'm grateful I'm working, but it's hard dealing with managers who just kind of abuse you. See you as possibly stupid because you've got a disability. I just don't understand anymore. There is a part of me who just wants to roll over and die, to be forgotten.

I already feel like the boy left all alone because no one wants to choose him on their team. On top of being straight and Caucasian (white) I can kind of see how much my "race" I guess, has become a minority. I"m jealous of my friends, jealous because they've gotten what I've always wanted: Someone to love.

Men have feelings too, we try to be cool and tough but there's a warm and nice feeling you get when you drive home knowing there's a pair of warm arms waiting for you. Someone to hold you and spend time with, women don't realize how sexy that is. It doesn't matter if there's a warm meal waiting, just knowing that the person you're working for is there waiting for you and loves you is a feeling I wish I could feel.

I'm 34 and I'm already mentally preparing to be single for the rest of my life, but my heart wants to love someone. All I've ever wanted is to know that there is someone out there who sees me more than just a goof ball with a disability. My friends seem so happy, heck one of them just had a kid this last year.

I'm just so tired of it all, no one knows how lonely I am. I just wish I had someone to talk to, to vent to. I've made a lot of mistakes in my youth. I had chances to find love but I ran away like a coward because I was confused and afraid. Part of me feels like maybe I've just run out of chances. Yet who can compare with black men? Foreign Men? Keanu Reeves? Tall thin men?

This is what women seem to want, or were I'm from. What irks me the most is they don't care about themselves, they just want to find the perfect "sexy" looking guy to make themselves feel pretty I guess. Growing up I had always figured women wanted more things from the heart, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I apologize if I said anything offensive but this is how I feel.

I just want to be accepted, I want a little respect. It would be nice to feel appreciated. That's all that I really want right now, yet I can't seem to get it. I give it all the time, and I don't expect people to give any in return. I do so much but I feel like I'm just getting no where in life. Nothing brings me joy anymore, I don't feel dead inside I just feel like I can't be happy.

It scares me a little, because I've never felt like this before and it's tearing me apart inside. I just don't know what to do anymore.




 
 
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