My heart is really warming up to him again.
Looking at the last post, I can see how hurt I felt when he didn't call for those days leading up to the weekend I was due to come. It honestly hurt a lot. But I think in the time that I spent there, my mind went through a major reset regarding Rob and our relationship...and it's looking like I'll have to adopt the same mindset when it comes to the rest of my life.
Basically, this mind shift really consisted of me existentially re-realizing that a) Rob does not belong to me b) he honestly can do whatever the f** he wants and c) I shouldn't get too emotionally invested if I know he actions (or inactions) are going to hurt my feelings. And with that realization, my heart started to warm up to him again. I told myself barring any major emotional triggers for me (seeing Faheem's name on the phone or seeing "Faheem's iPhone" on the casting device don't count), I gotta stay cool and in good spirits as I continue to love him. It's that simple.
The catch is that it's hard to be as invested as I was into him and his side projects. I felt this deep urge to help out and share in his struggles but now...I just don't feel like it. And I guess that's okay. For now anyway. I'm still not one of those top priorities in his life and until I become that, I have to emotionally keep my distance. I love him to pieces though.
It's kinda akin to that scene in the SATC movie, where Miranda and Steve are in the therapists office talking about Steve's infidelity and Miranda goes, "How can I trust that he won't do this again?" .....and the therapist said...."You can't :/, you just have to trust in him and the love that you share and keep moving forward....if this is what you really want." I'm not going anywhere....yet (obvi) so I'll stick around for the ride.
One thing I re-realized is that there is such a power in love. The love that we share and that love that I feel for him honestly inspires me to be and do so much more. After a few days with Rob, I feel my spirits lifted, naturally and it makes me want to do work and push forward and continue growing. And since moving out, I have felt such a void in that arena. It's been very difficult for me, and I think in a few ways it's also been difficult for him too....emotionally.
Since then, it's looking like I'll have to hit another major reset. This time it's a professional one. My issues with Alisa have not gotten better...and honestly, I don't see them getting better either. That leaves me with three primary options: a) find a new job b) find a new department within the company or c) work under another director...listed in order of most plausible to least plausible. There is an option d) which would be to strengthen my relationship with Nicole and turn her into more of an advocate for me instead of an informant....but judging by some of our interactions, I think we're too far gone for that tactic.
I plan on actively implementing these starting next week.
Having to switch jobs because of a supervisor feels foreign to me. I don't think I've ever felt this close to getting fired...ever. So close that I'm actively trying to get out of my current space and into a new one. To be honest, the relationship feels very antagonistic. I can imagine that the relationship with Fordham feels similar. Meh. But I can say that it's turning toxic pretty quickly...and I CAN'T say that I'm surprised or that I haven't seen this before. They pushed Chris out and fired Alex in the same way.
I'm thinking I can maybe talk to a few of my go-to's about it, but I'm not sure how much it would help. I think the hardest thing about this is that no one has my back. No one's an advocate for me, and instead, I feel like I'm being critiqued to death and I unjustly have a target on my back.
I can get into more detail about this and my plans to leave a little later. I do know that if I DO get fired, I'm moving straight back to Philly. Truly. I told Rob, he was excited about it via text message and then he followed up with a call and heard the whole story. Although Rob's life...is still a damn mess. I can see him making progress.
In the meantime, to cleanse my spirits from anxiety and negativity (because those feelings are running HIGH), I got to get back into prayer. I must also keep writing, meditation and writing my gratitude journal. Those will definitely help keep my spirits lifted as I try to usher in this change.
Also, I'm moving soon.!
I'm in a shitty place financially and that's honestly the main reason why I'm moving back in with Dad. I learned a lot of lessons from this one year of living by myself. Here are just a couple of nuggets:
a) If you have a problem with commitment or you live a semi-nomadic lifestyle with disposable income, then renting is probably the best bet. If you really do want to settle down and/or own a home(s), then stop throwing your money away funding someone else's property and get your own.
b) Living along is GREAT when you're in a good mental space. If that mental space is wavering even a little bit (for me), it's probably best to live with people. Even the sounds in the house as you sit alone in your own space helps you keep your mind off of toxic thinking. I was actually in a pretty good space, leaving a not so great space at Rob's, when I moved down here. I had new job, I had escaped hotels and I was excited about what was to come. Of course, none of that lasted too long and now, as much as I love living alone, I feel like this place almost became some sort of dungeon. One where I do nothing but depress and play video games and watch anime. It might be a welcome change of pace to have dad and Jalynn in the same home. Although family is annoying and I'm adding 40+ mins of commute time whenever I go to work or want to hang out with my friends, so be it.
c) Save money and learn to budget, I had very bad financial habits at Dad's house (i.e. pushing to pay off my credit card, while simultaneously living off of it. that's so backwards. talk2hand ). Just like I haven't used my credit card to purchase anything (since it's maxed out), I need to KTSE and not use it while I'm paying it off.
So yeah, I'm semi-excited about moving back in with Dad. Not so excited about the commute that I'll have to make to do......anything.
Alas, that's about it for now. It's memorial day weekend in the district aka Black gay pride. A huge hoe weekend, but I'm in this space where I'm over feeling like I'm begging for sex and it's not something I plan on doing ever again. Not to mention, I haven't worked out consistently in 6 months and my body is a damn mess. Hoping to get back on the workout horse when I move back with Dad. World Fitness, here I come xp
Now, remember, moving to Dad's house is happening June 30, but I'm only staying there if I don't get fired.
Anyway, I have a brunch I need to get ready for and I have things I need to do today, including: grocery shopping, delivering chairs, making calls (USAA, my brother and my electric/gas company) and asking my landlord of I can split the rent next month due to "Unforseen car issues".
More to come.
One Love heart
Mood: I'm okay sweatdrop
Music: "Be Alright" - Ariana Grande from Dangerous Woman
Music(2): "Breathin" - Ariana Grande from Sweetner
· Sun May 26, 2019 @ 05:31pm · 0 Comments