Last night I was feeling lonely so I manned one of the VC channels all day from 2:00pm to 10:00pm. Sometimes people would drop in for awhile, talk for a bit, then get bored and leave. I think Colin showed up first, then had a fight with Soupbot and left. Conner showed up next, but he didn't have much time until his chiropractors appointment, so he had to leave pretty soon. He left his phone running and not even deafened or muted or anything so I thought there were just connection problems. He was quiet enough that I felt comfortable singing along to some of the songs I was playing on Soupbot while I was drawing. He didn't hear any of it.
Evan showed up after Conner, but he didn't have a whole lot to say or do. I either tagged Hunter or he showed up on his own while Evan was in the chat.
One of the cited reasons why Conner doesn't want Dravis to join Eat Soup is because he thinks Dravis' personality is too combative and he'll end up starting fights. One of the examples he gave was how Evan has the same kind of personality as Dravis and is constantly challenging Hunter. So I was a little concerned to be right here in the middle of it with just the three of us in VC together. It didn't end up being a problem though. Hunter is pretty good at dispelling the tension when he isn't in the mood for it.
Jacob joined the chat some time after Evan left, but I have no idea when. I just looked up and saw he was in here; I didn't even hear the Discord Arrival bell.
By about this time I went outside to get my bottle of wine from my car and saw that my yoga ball arrived in the mail. I spent >10 minutes digging the cork out of it with a knife before bringing it back inside and working on setting up the ball to be inflated as per the manufacturer's instructions. When I came back from the voice chat I had hit the 10 minute idle limit and moved to the AFK channel. The wine tasted definitely not good, so I ended up drinking it so slowly I didn't even get buzzed.
More people ended up showing up and leaving throughout Jacob, Hunter, and my conversation. Conner's friend, DPSMichael (who's name is Dave) showed up. Turns out he's also in theater, so Jacob had things to talk about with him. Hunter was antagonizing him right off the bat, here in Dave's first interaction with the other Eat Soup members, so I told Hunter to lay off and told Dave I love him to make him feel better. Then I re-muted myself and went back to doing laundry and filling up the yoga ball. Eventually Dave left without saying goodbye, but hopefully he left on a high note with Jacob. Hunter was even being nice to him by the end of it too.
Conner and Colin both showed up again, but they also left without saying a whole lot. Conner got caught up in a conversation with his parents. His mom wanted to talk to Hunter, which developed into a conversation about Conner and Hunter's family.
I talked about everything I'd seen going on the last time I was over. The trees being logged to make room for Grandma Moore's mother-in-law suite. She's living in a camper at the moment. I told Hunter about how his grandma is weirdly opposed to Conner saying "ain't", correcting him in her thick southern accent whenever he says it.
Conner said, "I don't know why she's so against me saying it."
To which Hunter replied, "I don't know, maybe because you never visit her and she's living in our ******** yard."
Everyone in the voice chat laughed. Another joke at Conner's expense.
After everyone else had left except for Jacob, Hunter and I again, we started talking about the good s**t. Hunter would chat with his roommates pretty often throughout our convo (but that'd been happening all day) and the things we'd talk about in chat would end up being what he'd talk about irl to the people he's living with. I brought up the garbage Snapchat articles in the Discover section, and Hunter started talking about one actor he follows that posts his workout routine, which quickly trailed off into him chatting with him roommates about it. I overheard him talking about something something "that the chicks love". Hunter tries to impress girls? I thought he was our paladin VolCel extraordinaire.
Throughout the conversation the rest of the night Hunter seemed pretty open talking about what kinds of girls he likes. I was a little hesitant to openly talk about liking and dating girls with him, but turns out we had crushes on all the same people. I showed him pictures of Kazia, the first girlfriend I ever had and the first RELATIONSHIP I ever had and we made fun of how her life is going now. I can't believe I was the one who broke up with her. I regretted it before, but maybe I dodged a bullet here. She vapes, she drives a Dodge Neon, she has listed as one of her Professional Skills, "Crystal Healing". I saw all the pictures of crystals on her Facebook Profile and I was like, "Ohh, okay. So she does ketamine." and everyone laughed really hard at that.
Looks like she only dates boys now. Kind of sad to think I was just a phase someone went through...
But the main point was that she was a scene girl and I love scene girls. I wish it never died out. Hunter didn't know what I was talking about when I said "scene girl", and this is right after we both spent like twenty minutes fawning over Boxxy. I was happy to fill him in on scene culture. Turns out he loves scene girls just as much as I do, he just didn't know the name of the aesthetic. He admitted it was a little before his time. "Ugh. I was born in the wrong generation." Both of the girls I had the biggest crushes on in high school've set their profiles to private. I reflected on how ******** weird I was trying to talk to them and hoped that wasn't my fault.
I got to talk about woman problems too, and they didn't even make fun of me. I talked about how spooky it was that when I was fourteen, Nick Dale, who was the eighteen-year-old oldest brother to Anna and Katie Dale, decided to date me. That entire group of friends liked to date down to manipulate girls into being their perfect little virgin wives. Mateo ended up getting Anna pregnant and married right out of high school. That's kind of scary to me. That she doesn't get to have her own life anymore and that Mateo has groomed her since she was like twelve to think that way. I was scared about how that could've been me. My lucky break was when Nick broke up with me to test how hard I would beg for him to take me back, to see how "loyal" I was to him. Fortunately for my little fourteen-year-old self, I was way too busy crying alone in the bathroom over getting broken up with for the first time to beg for forgiveness. Nick wasn't impressed and decided to find someone else to manipulate.
I keep seeing this obsession with owning a "pure, virgin girlfriend" by incels and weird young right-wingers, and I feel like I never have an argument to explain how grossed out I am about men wanting a partner with as little life experience as possible. How wrong it feels to want a blank slate; someone who came right out of a box to do whatever you want with like a toy. Here I am thinking a relationship requires two consenting parties who love and respect each other as human beings. But maybe I'm just a roastie idk.
Hunter agreed that it's pretty ******** up. He said it's one of the reasons why he's kind of sworn off relationships. It's too much of a liability. That made me sad.
Earlier I had posted a screenshot from a pair of Tumblr posts imploring girls to be gentle and cuddle their boys. Stroking his hair, laying his head on your lap, rubbing his shoulders, kissing him on the forehead. The reply post said that the first time the user did that to her boyfriend he started crying because he was so starved for affection.
Hunter replied, "I'm going to need to get more flexible for this lifehack" and that made me sad.
I was about far enough into this wine to get more talkative and expressive, so I posted a sad cat balancing a Coca-Cola can on its head and told him to "Hang in there, buddy." Then I tagged him a bunch of times to get him to join Voice Chat and he told me to wait.
I've been treating him more like I used to treat Joey. I mean I've been seeing Hunter as just Joey 2.0, but I hadn't been annoying to Hunter like I was to Joey. Hunter treats me differently in some really essential ways too. Joey didn't give a single ******** about whether my feelings got hurt or tried to treat me more gently as a delicate lady. We could be as mean as we wanted to each other and it just strengthened our friendship. Hunter watches his words around me; if he's about to be even the slightest bit critical he spends two minutes on a spoken-word disclaimer to get me ready for it first. I appreciate the criticism, I need to hear it. I don't know why hes so worried about making me upset.
I complained about how I have way too much energy to spend all day at home. I spend 7 hours a day cleaning until there's absolutely nothing left to clean, and then I lay in bed trying to think of what else to do until I existential-crisis myself to sleep and go into hibernation until Raven gets home. Hunter said that after a long day of working at the Auto Body shop, he wishes he had someone to spend seven hours cleaning and then lay in bed and have an existential crisis for him. That was sweet.
After Joey started talking to me again and spending all his time drunk and alone in his room, he asked for me to live with him too, but not in a sweet way. He asked me in a "I don't have the energy to clean up all my empty cans of beer and I need a fleshlight" kind of way. I can't say it isn't definitely a mood, because it's definitely a mood, I just wish he'd be more subtle about it, you know? Joey drunkenly proposed to me over calls and texts probably three times that I remember, but it just bummed me out that he'd spend so long afterwards coming up with all these strictly practical reasons for why he needed a wife. I miss the days when he treated me like a dog; at least then he wasn't trying to ******** me.
I guess I'm just paranoid that Hunter never even got to the first level of that, like the celibate, platonic level of friendship. I could treat him like Joey all I want, but what if he'd just get the wrong idea and get super attached to me and start getting violent and possessive? I'm not his type because I'm not my type (and I'm three inches too short), so that's a good thing. I mean I think I like-like Hunter, but maybe it's just my hormones. I've been thinking about muscles a lot lately. I got super sentimental looking back on the pictures I took when I was pregnant, just before Hunter left. He was so nice to me then, and at a time where I looked and felt like absolute garbage. I remember vividly one day I caught him looking at me with such love in his eyes-- maybe it wasn't romantic, but it was still really wonderful. Also I looked at him that way a lot before. That one time, around the same season when he was helping set up the mock scale for Power-Up 2018; I was standing under the area where he was working, and he had to push something up above me. He didn't even tell me to move out of the way or anything, he just pinned me against the wall for a moment while he did what he was doing, then let me go when he was done. He's so tall and strong, and I was right there in between his arms, at eye level with his pecs. I was still on the "Girls are cuter. Femboys are best boys" train by this point, but that moment kind of planted that seed in my mind that, "Wow, maybe muscles are kind of hot."
I mean I've always been able to smell testosterone and I react to it by getting kind of lethargic and wet, but that used to be a strictly physical thing. It would happen whenever we were in a confined space in JROTC with a ton of boys all exerting themselves at once. It also happened when I was ********'. It happened again recently at the Robotics competition and I felt really gross about that. For some reason it didn't happen at PAX though; a lot of "men", but not a lot of testosterone.
One of the last things I opened up about was how suddenly my quality of life has gotten way better and I'm having a hard time adjusting my standards to that level. I used to live in a cold, damp, flea-infested shack in the woods where my family would rarely travel and I wasn't able to go out in public unsupervised until I was in High School. You just couldn't walk places because everything was so far away. We had been to hotels and stuff where it's clean and warm, but I knew hotels weren't places to live. Now I'm living in a house that's kept up to hotel cleanliness, but it doesn't feel like a home; it feels temporary because it isn't gross. Hunter and Jacob both let me know that that's a good thing and that I'll get used to it eventually, but the "not real" feeling persists.
Another thing that feels too clean and warm to be real is the Moore family. Everyone is so nice to each other and they go snowmobiling and camping and fishing. The sons call their father "Sir." Everyone talks to each other. They're like a sitcom family invented by an executive at a press conference. I want to get in on this because it looks like fun, I'm just worried it's too good to be true. I want to be a part of it as like an escapist fantasy. I don't know.