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Welcome to my journal, it has a ton of junk in it. Don't get all screechy if you don't like my lack of proper grammar, sucky paragraphing, improper placing of chapters / sections, such and such. I already know my English isn't perfect, so you don't have to remind me. Consider it a warning. But if you don't mind, then carry on, brave wanderer.

(If you have any questions or comments, just go ahead and put a comment.)
Dream: Abandoned College Conflict
This is about a dream I have had recently. I figured I'd post it here and look up its meanings to see what dream dictionaries have to say.

My dream started out with me being a normal person and doing normal things.
Except I was a guy with short, intensely red dyed hair. (girl with red hair IRL though)
I had just gotten off of work somewhere and walked along the city's street, my head down and my hands in my pants pockets as I walked home.
I had on a baggy black jacket and black jeans, black messenger bag, so the workplace wasn't strict on formal attire.
People who walked by on the sidewalks and people who were standing around talking would glance toward me as I'd approach and walk by them; either they were busy talking and they turned their attention back to the person they were talking with, or they weren't interested in seeing me so they'd look away quickly and act like I wasn't there, and sometimes people would walk out of my way because they weren't comfortable looking at me.
After passing along the sidewalk and the various old brick buildings, I noticed that the sky was overcast and the weather was cool, and I wondered if it was going to rain before I would make it home.

Before I could make it home, I got a call on my cellphone, and a name popped up - it was my own name (which was my IRL name, although it's a girl name - going to rename her Sam - short for Samantha) and I thought to myself that if it had a name, I knew the person somehow, or else I wouldn't have added them to my phone.
So I answered the phone, and a girl with my name had decided to call and talk to me.
Sam told me that she was calling because she was thinking about me; it had been a long time since we talked, and she wanted to know how I was doing.
I told Sam that I didn't remember her and wanted her to remind me how she was added onto my phone.
Sam said that we had been school friends, and when she reminded me of all the times we had been hanging out together with our friends, I remembered her and I apologized. I told her it had been a very long time since anyone had called me and I had accidentally erased her number at some point in time, or else I would have tried to get in touch sooner.
As Sam told me what she had been up to ever since she graduated from school, I went into my home; it was an old brick building that was upstairs on the second floor, a bachelor apartment.
Inside the apartment was an old black sofa that I slept on which I knew was left behind by the previous owner, a plain wooden stand, an old TV from the 70's that came from a junk store, and room-darkening black curtains were always pulled open to let natural light in; the only decoration in the room was a pile of mail that I tossed on a wooden stand next to the door, and I made myself comfortable by taking off the jacket and the messenger bag before I sat on the couch.
Sam had told me that things had been good for her; she went to college, she got herself a job, she was making friends and remained friends with everyone from her past, and that was why she had called me - she had wanted to reestablish our friendship, and she wanted to get me to go on a trip with her.
I told her that I had work to do and I only got the weekends off and that I was broke and was busy, so I thought everything would deter her.
Sam laughed and said that she remembered I was the same as I had been since school, coming up with reasons not to go, and she said that she was going to bring our friends along - and, we were going to a big city, like Las Vegas, to go out and have a fun time.
I was shocked that someone would want to invite me to a trip out to a large city like Las Vegas, and when she said there'd be hotels and restaurants and sights to see, I agreed to go.
Surprisingly, she lived only a short distance away, so Sam arrived at my apartment; I didn't want her to go inside to look at it, but she insisted that she wanted to see my home, so she eventually got her way and I let her follow me up the stairs and we went inside my apartment.
Sam said my home was tiny and depressing; there was no kitchen table and chairs, no pictures of anyone hung up anywhere, just my own furniture, and the appliances that were in the room.
She felt bad that I was left alone for years and I felt awkward because I knew she was judging me and feeling sorry, so she said that the trip would be great for everyone.
So we left the apartment, my bag packed, there was a parked dark blue van outside, and I climbed in the passenger side in the back.
There were more former friends from school there that I recognized - all of them named Sam, and I didn't realize that this many people were going to go on the trip, so I felt a little uneasy.
I felt there was maybe a little safety in numbers so that I wouldn't be alone with Sam, but I also wondered if maybe there was some kind of secret gathering going on and they needed me for some kind of evil plan, and then I thought that I was just being crazy and superstitious because these girls used to be my friends.
Each Sam was different in every way - hair, skin, eyes, weight, height - even the clothing and personality was different for each.
Shy, quiet Sam nervously said hi to me and started blushing, and then she was too shy to look my way any further, and she sat at the far end of the middle seat.
Motherly, logical Sam was the one that invited me to go along for the ride, and she was in the driver's seat of the van.
Prissy, lady-like Sam said hello from her seat in the back of the van and gave a quick wave to show that she was ready to get the show on the road and not to waste her time talking.
Confident, self-centered Sam in the back of the van, seated behind me, crossed her arms over her chest and sighed, letting everyone know that she wasn't interested in the road trip, but she was there anyway.
Nerdy, sad Sam was seated between me and Shy Sam, and Nerdy Sam wanted to barrage me with "so cool" comments about me and my appearance and wished she could look cool too.
Nervous, phobic Sam was seated in the front passenger seat, where she felt safest in the van, and she gave me a nervous wave and a few nervous glances before she started talking with Motherly Sam.
Outgoing, flirtatious Sam was seated in the middle in the back of the van, and she said I grew up to be good-looking, and said my goth-punk style added to the appeal.
I felt nervous to have joined them on the road trip and did not think that I was now a grown guy going on a road trip with a bunch of girls, all of which were unaccompanied by any guys; I had thought that they were going to be bringing their crushes and spouses, but did not expect a friends-only gathering.

As we rode through the city and out of town, I started to remember everyone as they were in school. Shy Sam was bullied often; Nerdy Sam was too overzealous in trying to make friends; Nervous Sam was too nervous to associate with people who wouldn't go an extra mile to associate with her; Confident Sam was a loner who acted like she was too good for anyone and anything; Prissy Sam had a hard time fitting in with others because she could be a little bit of a handful; Outgoing Sam had been a flirt with anybody since anyone could remember meeting her; I had been the angry, troublemaker of the group who couldn't get along with others but got along better with them; and Motherly Sam had been the one that got everyone together, made us into friends, and kept us together.

Not a lot was said between anyone. Talking was awkward. No one had kept in touch with anyone over the years. No one knew what was a good or bad topic to talk about. Good things happened to some, bad things happened to some, but they were all doing okay. To entertain us, Motherly Sam turned on a music channel that played a variety of songs so that everyone could be happy, and we were allowed to have snacks and sodas - although Outgoing Sam had secretly snuck in some alcohol and planned to get everyone drunk eventually, especially herself.

The road trip lasted for several hours. Most of the time, I had been staring outside, as we passed cities, towns, country fields, forests. When someone would talk, they'd mostly talk about school experiences, and then we'd all talk about how we either weren't there to witness it, or we had seen it and remembered it.
Eventually, we seemed to be pretty far out in the country, and I started to think that something wasn't right, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem paranoid.
I thought maybe we were just going to stop somewhere for the night, or maybe there was some place that Motherly Sam was headed for that might be an important pit stop.

The van pulled up to an old abandoned building near the woods, and everyone piled out of the van and started stretching and moving around while I stood still and looked at the building.
It was an old, abandoned college, with its white exterior discolored with moss and windows broken out and dead vines that had grown up part of a column once, and Motherly Sam said that we were at our destination.
It was cloudy and looked like it might rain at any moment.
Tree limbs were sagging from heavy rains in the area, water had pooled in various areas, and vines and Spanish moss hung everywhere.
I said to her that there must be some kind of mistake; we were supposed to be in a big city like Los Angeles or New York or someplace.
There was a bit of confusion among the Sam girls; apparently, they knew about this place - only, I didn't.
I felt lied to, and I didn't want to spend my weekend in the country in an abandoned college that was falling apart, hanging out with a bunch of girls that I barely remembered from my years at school.
Motherly Sam explained that she knew she wouldn't be able to get me to join them unless she said she'd take me to a big city, as she knew I hated the country, and said that it'd be an adventure for us.
I told Motherly Sam that I didn't want to be in the country and she knew that, and I felt lied to, and I told her I wanted to go back home.
My reaction seemed to surprise everyone; the less-confident Sam girls were shocked that I wasn't happy because they didn't want there to be any problems, and the confident Sam girls weren't happy that I wasn't happy because I was causing problems.
So the Sam girls were starting to have disagreements as to whether or not I should be taken back home, and started to question why they were there if I had been lied to in the first place.
Motherly Sam assured everyone she didn't have any bad intentions, she just really wanted me to be there with everyone, and she wanted everyone to be a whole group of close friends again, and she was trying to persuade me as to why I should stay.
She wanted me to stay to have fun, she wanted me to stay to make memories, she wanted me to stay and become friends with everyone again, like how we all were friends in the past.

But I couldn't have that.
I told her that if she wanted to try to be friends with me, she should have tried to stay in touch with me instead of making me feel like I was suddenly there just to make her relive her happy memories, and I said she already failed me as a friend because she lied to me from the beginning and had hours to tell me the truth but didn't because she knew I wasn't going to be happy with the outcome, and I said that she treated me the same way everyone else had done my whole life, and that everyone else was no longer a friend in my life, and I didn't know if I could call her a friend.
Mixed reactions from the Sam girls.
The less-confident girls were sad to hear about how I felt about the situation, and the confident girls just wanted me to shut up and accept being unhappy being stuck there for two days.
Motherly Sam said she just wanted two days' worth of my time and she considered me as her friend, but she wasn't going to take me back home and I was going to do things her way.
I argued with Motherly Sam that I didn't consider her as a friend, I didn't consider any of them as a friend, and I was going to leave there even if I had to walk, and Motherly Sam was telling me that I needed to stay with them because outside of the friend group, no one had anyone else to call a friend.

I was angry so I decided to leave, and Motherly Sam gave me a styrofoam lunch container and a can of soda and told me that she hoped I'd reconsider and come back soon, and told me she was sorry for lying to me.
Shy Sam was crying because she felt sorry for me.
Nerdy Sam was devastated because she felt she was losing a friend.
Nervous Sam was frightened because of how angry I was.
Confident Sam said she wouldn't be bothered either way if I stayed or left.
Prissy Sam wanted me to get lost and stay that way.
Outgoing Sam wanted me to have a few drinks with her and see if I changed my mind.
I took the styrofoam lunch container and can of soda and walked away.
I followed along the semi- age-deteriorated sidewalk that went away from the abandoned college.
Water puddles were constantly in my way, as well as low-hanging tree branches and long strands of vines and Spanish moss, and I felt hungry as I carried the styrofoam lunch container with me, and I started to think things over.
I didn't really think Motherly Sam was deliberately trying to hurt my feelings, but it made me feel that I was treated the same way everyone else had done before, and I felt like if I was going to excuse one person, I'd be excusing them all.
As I walked along the sidewalk, I didn't realize that the sidewalk wound around the woods and then went back to the college, so before I knew it, I was back where I started, and all of the girls were still outside waiting for me to come back.
They were surprised that I was back and some were happy to see me, and I angrily said that I didn't know the sidewalk looped back around to the college and I didn't come back by choice - so I kept walking on the sidewalk.
As I went through the woods again, I felt bothered by everything - they had waited outside for me to come back, and some were happy to see me come back to the college, although I was still angry that everyone considered me as their friend, when I didn't want to be their friend, since I felt I didn't have any friends for so many years.
Before long, it started to sprinkle and then rain and I wondered if I should give up and go back to the college or not, and as I approached, most of the girls were inside the van to get out of the pouring rain, and Motherly Sam waited for me to come back as she waited underneath an umbrella.
She told me to come in out of the rain, and I told her I wasn't going in the building because it wasn't what I wanted to do; so we were still at a disagreement and she didn't want to listen to me, so I took another walk along the sidewalk through the woods.
Got soaked, food in the styrofoam container got soaked so I tossed the food out and took the styrofoam container with me, drank the soda, and wondered how long I would be out there until she would see things my way.
As I walked back to the college, Motherly Sam stood outside in the pouring rain, and she had thrown down her umbrella and gotten herself as soaked as me.
Motherly Sam told me she was sorry and I replied that I didn't care, and Motherly Sam said that if I didn't care, I wouldn't keep circling the college after all.
I felt that she was right in pointing out something I hadn't consciously thought about; even though I was angry, I kept coming back to them instead of taking the road that I knew led out of there, and I realized that maybe something there nagged me into sticking around.
I told Motherly Sam that what she said was crazy and I handed her back the empty styrofoam lunch container and told her I threw out the food because it got soaked, not because I ate the food, and she said she wanted me to stop walking in the rain and come inside.
I was feeling hungry and cold and wet and tired of walking, but I told her that I couldn't because I didn't consider her as a friend and needed more time to think about it.
I walked away to start walking on the sidewalk again, so she carried the styrofoam lunch container and followed alongside me.
I didn't expect her to walk with me so I asked what she was doing, and Motherly Sam said that if I was going to walk in the pouring rain, she was going to walk in the pouring rain as well, because it's what friends do with each other.
As we walked along the sidewalk together, we walked along broken concrete, wet grass, skirted puddles of rainwater, avoided low branches and vines and Spanish moss together; she asked me why I wasn't bothered by this, and I told her I was used to it.
Motherly Sam said that it was surprising that anyone could say they are used to walking around in the pouring rain with everything such a mess, and she said she felt bad that I have had things so rough.
I told her I didn't care, so she said that she cared, which was why she was going to follow me no matter how many times I circled back to the college, even if it took all night.
I stopped and called her an idiot and told her I was still angry with her, and calling me her friend didn't make me a friend to her, and I called her stupid for making everyone get into the van and stay there because of me; it was going to be quiet and humid and uncomfortable for them, when they all wanted to be in the building instead.
Motherly Sam said that no one was going to go in the building unless I said so, because as a friend, I should be listened to as well; if I said I wanted to leave, we were going to leave.
I turned around and started to walk away from her, and Motherly Sam grabbed my wrist to make me stop walking, and she said that the real reason we were there wasn't because she was trying to relive her childhood; she explained that she was too poor to afford any large city trip with her friends and she didn't want to feel rejected, and so she remembered how, during one year in school, I said that I thought it would be cool to explore abandoned buildings because I wanted to be a real ghost hunter.
I felt shocked because I remembered that I had told her that, it was an old dream of mine to try to prove to the world that ghosts were real by going to old buildings in search of ghosts, and I never realized that she had planned the trip for me.
Though I told her she didn't have to supply all of the money for some big trip to a big city like Las Vegas, we could have all brought our own money to help fund the trip, and she said she still felt ashamed of herself and couldn't admit to being broke.
Apparently she had used her savings to rent the van for two days because she had no vehicle for herself, and she spent all of the rest of her money on the food and drinks and gas, so she was entirely broke.
So I was thinking about things differently as I looked at her - the Motherly, logical Sam was broke and still trying to make me happy, and I was the Angry, troublemaking Sam who had money and was trying to make her unhappy.
I felt bad that I had treated her in such a way that she would even throw down her umbrella and follow me just to prove to me that she would be on the same level as me as a person no better than me, so I decided to turn around, but I stood still.
Again, I felt that if I walked toward the college and decided to stay, I would be accepting that I'd be forgiving Motherly Sam for the lies and also be accepting that they could be my friend, and I wasn't sure how I could feel beyond that.

However, my stomach decided that it was time to eat and started growling, so I agreed that we should just go back to the college and get something to eat. I felt bothered that I was being forced to give in for something such as food, but Motherly Sam was already glad to have me come back to be with everyone.
As we approached the college, the other Sam girls noticed that Motherly Sam was walking me back and they got out of the van, some more willing than others, and they all stood quietly in the rain together.
I asked Motherly Sam what the other idiot Sam girls were up to and I asked her if she put them up to such a stupid thing, and she said she didn't tell them to do anything except grab their things and go inside if I came back to join them, and she said that's how things are - I'm one of them - a friend.

Even though everyone waited for me and Motherly Sam to walk over to the van, everyone getting soaked in the rain, it was interesting to see.
Shy Sam was expressing to me that she was glad to have me back and that she wanted to hang out with me; she was afraid of expressing herself to others.
Nerdy Sam was excited that I was back and she wanted to hang out with me; she was glad to have a person consider her as a friend.
Nervous Sam wasn't afraid; she wasn't afraid to be outside in the rain and she wasn't afraid by what had happened, she was glad that I was back and she felt okay with her surroundings.
Confident Sam was glad that I had decided to come back, and she said she actually did miss me; she was always too self-centered to admit that she had feelings for anyone else.
Prissy Sam didn't care that her good looks were getting ruined and she apologized for what she said about wanting me to be gone; she never told anyone that she ever regretted saying the things she's said.
Outgoing Sam walked over and threw her arm around my shoulders and said now she can finally open the alcohol that she was carrying in her hand; she never held back on a drink for any occasion.
Motherly Sam said she was glad that she was able to still be the glue holding everyone together after all the years that had passed, and then quickly decided - everyone get inside the abandoned college because everyone's soaking wet and freezing and hungry and it's getting dark outside.

So we all grabbed our packed bags and headed for the college.
It was a rather funny experience.
Prissy Sam was screeching because her precious bags were getting soaked.
Shy Sam and Nerdy Sam ran across the yard up to the college porch, even though they were already soaked
Nervous Sam and Motherly Sam carried in the food, while Confident Sam and I carried in the drinks.
Outgoing Sam carried in the others' bags, as she was the strongest girl of the group.
We all went into the abandoned college together.
Motherly Sam explained about how she had remembered I wanted to be a ghost hunter and explore abandoned buildings, and the other Sam girls found it cute, funny, weird, and cool.
Once everyone had taken turn changing into dry clothes in another room out of sight of everyone, everyone ate together and drank sodas in a circle, and everyone played simple games like "would you rather" and "truth or dare."
Outgoing Sam decided to start a drinking game, and every single person was going to be involved, no exceptions - her rules were, if you are too shy to drink in public and you don't want anyone to find out, what goes on in the college stays in the college - and she wanted me to drink the most so she could knock the angry sourpuss out of my system and get me to act silly.
Then we all became drunk idiots who acted like we were ghost hunters until everyone decided to try to get some sleep before morning would come.
I opted to sleep away from the Sam girls, got out my sleeping bag and got inside, and then the Sam girls wanted to sleep around me so they could talk to me.
Motherly Sam decided to sleep in her sleeping bag on one side of me, and Outgoing Sam decided to sleep in her sleeping bag on the other side of me, and Shy and Nerdy Sam girls were competing over who slept with their head closest to my head, until they both decided they could both sleep with their heads a few inches away from each other.
The other Sam girls were laying on opposite sides of Motherly Sam and Outgoing Sam.
I felt a little shy about all the Sam girls surrounding me and wondered if I was going to feel a little phobic being surrounded by others, but the Sam girls instead had questions for me and they wanted to have discussions with me.
They wanted to ask me questions like what I've been up to, if I've done any troublemaking, if I'd tell them stories about what it was like for me growing up.
So I decided I'd answer their questions, and eventually, everyone was asleep, and when I felt safe being with a group of friends, I fell asleep as well.

(and then I woke up, so the dream ended.)

Shadow Belmonte
Community Member
Shadow Belmonte
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