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Little Black Book of Eventually Read Secrets
What a month
Its hard to believe it's been two weeks now.
It feels so much longer than that. I thought we were going on three.

I still miss my pup. My heart aches at the thought of him. But I don't find myself lingering on his favorite spots to much anymore. Last night I think was the first time I went to bed without crying. Though I did get watery eyes when I was in the garage and came face to face with his cage...I hadn't touched it since he died...

It feels silly, you know? To be this heart broken over a dog. But I guess over the last 12 years, he was the most consistent thing in my life. He, above everyone else in my life, was always there. I miss him dearly. But, I'm okay. I'm forgetting details about that day, and thats good. It means I'm making progress in my grief.

So whats new?

Well, lets talk about that week real quick, because it was the catalyst for some really big changes in my life. On the sunday, we found out I was pregnant. Monday, it was confirmed. Wednesday, we discovered that my HCG numbers were dropping. Thursday, I went for surgery. Friday, I miscarried, and put my dog down. It was a lot to take in that week. So much was happening all at once. I guess it's no wonder I shut down on the Saturday.

But then, I made a stupidly emotional decision, amidst the heartache...I bought a puppy. Why my husband agreed to it, is beyond me. I was crying while I did it, so it obviously wasn't a clear decision...

But, it's done. I paid for him, and he's ours. He comes home March 8th. His name is Murphy, and he's a pure chocolate lab (shortest lifespan out of all 3 colors. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment). He's cute. And he's going to be massive.

I've never owned a large dog before. Dexter was 45 pounds. Same with Rebel. Gibs weighs less than my cat. I think he's only 15 pounds, maybe (Yes. My cat is 18lbs. She herself is a friggin glutton.). Murphy will probably grow to 80 pounds. Oh dear.

I'm scared, honestly. If it was just my husband and I, it would be fine. I wouldn't be so stressed out about it. But I have children. A 3 year old, and a 3 month old. And now I'm about to bring home a nippy, hyper, 8 week old puppy. Oh, the chaos I have brought unto this home.

But I'm worried about nipping and biting. I'm worried about Tom's hands, most of all. I'll feel terrible if he gets hurt. I feel terrible at just the prospect of it! But, I'm doing my obsessive research, and I bought supplies to train the puppy...Looking at his little wrinkled face, and his eyes, I'm hoping my intuition is right. He looks like a gentle soul. Lets home he remains such.

I have one final worry, that comes with some news I got last week...I'm worried about him jumping. I'll have to make sure to teach him not to. And, no, I'm not pregnant (I wish). In fact, I can't be pregnant for close to 3 years. Its been prohibited. I'm actually being forced onto Birth Control, because I'm also undergoing major surgery by the end of the year. Its going to be very painful, and the incision will be through my abdomen. Its imperative I don't take any trauma during healing, or he could open up stitches inside my abdomen.

I'm eager for this surgery, because it will fix so many problems in my life. But I'm scared too, because I won't be able to eat for a couple months. But this surgery might fix my back, and allow me to have more children without so many extremes and dangers. But I can't have any right now. And I have to go for a semi permanent, but reversible, BC because my stomach won't be able to absorb the pill afterwards (which also means we need to modify my medication regime.). Apparently I might be extremely fertile for a year after the surgery, so we need to exercise extreme caution.

Well, thats my life this month so far. I have other things I want to write about, get it out of my head. But...I think I'll leave this entry off a bright note.

I'm doing okay. And I'm going to be okay. We'll get there, with time.

Azure Starwish
Community Member
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