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Ryo's Travels
My life & journey through MY eyes.
Entitlement - Sadness - Happy Valentine's Day
I used to really be in love with myself and my life....damn. Life hits you hard.

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day started a few hours ago. I'm up. I've been falling asleep almost as soon as I get home after work all week (probably some of last week too) which means I'm up all night.

I'm actually just very sad. Most of the time. Work has been super busy which has kept me occupied during those hours, but I get a little sad thinking about going home. It has been rather lonely and isolating lately.

I've been thinking about reciprocity and wanting/needing for those closest to me to reciprocate the love, effort and affection that I'm giving them. I need to know that these people will fight to keep me in their lives and that they truly value the relationship that we have and I've been really struggling with that lately on all fronts. So i've been rather reserved and really truly to do some soul searching and emotional detaching to come to grips with this. A few days ago I tweeted this:

I feel like I'm always the one reaching out to repair fractured relationships and left wondering when is someone gonna reach out and fight for me?

This was actually a very sobering revelation and a truly, open and honest feeling that I hadn't been able to put into words until then.

I was on Twitter and Dewon (someone I follow -- he's the one that cheated on his bf and got his a** beat and it was exposed on the TL a few years ago. I felt for him because it was obvious that both parties in his relationship ******** up but he's the one that got caught and vilified for it) was saying that he's been working to get rid of some toxic traits, one of them being the entitlement he feels to certain people.

That had me thinking.....Does my desire to have reciprocity in my relationships with friends and lovers stem from a feeling of entitlement to them?

Can we define 'entitlement' right quick?

entitlement (n.) - the fact of having a right to something OR the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

In this context, I think it means essentially wanting or feeling like you're owed more than what someone is willing to give, especially when that person is not technically doing wrong by you.

But continuing on with the dialogue, I think it plays a small role. When looking at it from that angle, I think I've grown a ton because back in the day I used to feel entitled to just about every damn body. That's probably where a lot of my issues with Terry, Romney and Seth stem from. And I think that's where a little bit of the resentment I have for Marlon is coming from right now, but only a little bit. There is a hint of jealousy of him kinda finding a tribe and support system outside of us...but at the same time, I'm very happy that he has it.

To be clear, although there is a hint of jealousy, I think my issues with Marlon throughout the years, truly stem from his lack of communication which really sounds like he doesn't give a ********. I do feel like if we are friends, and you call yourself my friend and someone I can count on, then communicating is the least you can do. So there's that. And I don't think that, as a citizen of the world, that he owes me an "explanation", per sè, as to why he told Neville and didn't tell me. I do feel like things like that are lowkey sneaky or shady. I also feel like, as a friend, that's kind of ******** up and if that's how we do things, then I need to reevaluate our friendship and how I feel and treat it because we're obviously not on the same page.

So with that being said, I don't think I feel entitled to Marlon at all. I don't feel entitled to his time, nor his friendship, nor his feelings or life. But I am perfectly in my rights to reevaluate how I see our relationship.

With Omar, specifically, there's no sense of entitlement there. I think it's just more of a realization that friendship doesn't mean the same thing to us, so...to mitigate any further emotional breakdowns on my end...I will also proceed to detach.

I WILL say that, with Terry, Romney and Seth...I felt entitled to them. They were m best friends. I wanted to spend all the time with them. I was very attached. I felt that because I loved them and our friendship and the tons of time that we spent together so much that I should've been included in their shenanigans and Seth should've cared for me like I cared for him. But honestly, they weren't doing anything wrong. They weren't mean to me. They weren't lying or being sneaky or shady. We were still cool in school and in clubs and stuff, they just didn't want to hang with me or keep me in their inner circle as we got older in high school...and I guess we grew apart....and I guess that's ok.

We already know the situation with Rob. Is it entitlement? Not in this case. Not if he's actively telling me one thing and doing another. Do I feel entitled to him and his time, space and energy? I mean...I can definitely understand if I do...100% but I'm not sure that I do. If he would tell me that I'm just not his priority and he's focusing on other things...then, like with my friends, I would have to detach and reevaluate how I view and treat our relationship. Simple as that.

I dunno. I don't think entitlement is much of a factor as to why I feel so shitty about my relationships but it was fun doing that deep dive.

Work is annoying. I knew that working under new management would be annoying and I honestly just want my promotion. I don't even feel like going into what's bothering me so much but just know that today wasn't a great day. And it's also a reason why I'm especially sad today.

I also think about being sad...and recall the struggles and sacrifices that my mother endured to make sure we were raised right and in a good neighborhood. That we lived comfortably and grew up out harm's way. That we had the opportunity to go to college and have a quality education and "seamlessly" transition into adulthood.

I think about her sacrifices and realize that she didn't do all of that for me to be feeling sad and sorry for myself right now. So I need to perk it up. And make something happen.

I'll dig into work a little later.

Rob wished me a "Happy sweet heart's day" then he said "Happy Valentine's Day". I was almost positive that he wouldn't. But he did. But then again, I'm sure he sent 50 of those texts to niggas he's sexually and romantically linked with so whatever.

I wouldn't be surprised if I wrote a part 2 to this. I would discuss my work situation, financial situation, maybe a few goals, and how I honestly feel like Rob and I are better together than apart.

One Love heart


Mood: I'm okay crying
Music: "Say So" - PJ Morton Feat. Jojo

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