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Little Black Book of Eventually Read Secrets
20 minutes; November 23rd, 2018
Every time I log in, I pull this up to write.
But I can never seem to find the words to write about her arrival into this world. And how terrifying those first 20 minutes were...
I want to write about that day.
I want to share how crazy it all was.
And I will. I have a document open on my phone, and every now and then, I write more of her story down. And some time, when I feel it's complete, I will post it here...

But I look at her now, and I find it so hard to believe that we almost lost her. She's so big. And strong. And she smiles and coos and holds my heart in her tiny hands.
The difference between her and her older brother is so drastic...I can't even compare. It's just different.

But I still remember. I remember her wide eyes looking up at me, her mouth open. I remember how purple she was. And that she wasn't moving.
I remember realizing almost instantly... As soon as they put her on my chest...
My baby wasn't breathing.
I remember crying, "Nova, baby, breathe baby, cry for mommy. Breathe baby!" As I rubbed her chest furiously, as I cleared her face with my hand and rubbed her cheeks, blinking furiously through the tears.
I remember them pulling her off of me so quickly, and bringing her across the room, where she would be surrounded by 5 nurses. I remember my husband squeezing my hand, just as terrified as I was, and me telling him to be with our baby. I can not.

I remember the doctor telling the nurse that I wouldn't stop bleeding, and I remember the feeling of gushing blood. And the ache of a needle being jammed into my thigh. But the ache was nothing. The bleeding didn't matter. I sat up on my elbows, crying silently, watching the backs of the nurses whom worked furiously on my daughter. My parents were huddled in the corner, watching on from a position I wish I could be in.... I was alone. And she still wasn't crying. And I was still gushing blood.

The sound of suction, then oxygen, then suction, then oxygen, then more suction. The sound of them pleading with her to cry. Then, finally, a nurse picked her up, turned to the metal scale, and just dropped her on it... And the shock of the cold metal finally stunned her enough to elicit that cry we were all waiting for with bated breath.
The most beautiful sound in the world...

Out of all the hardships we encountered that day. That, is something I will never forget. It was the longest, hardest 20 minutes of my life...

But I look at her now. And she's thriving.
I'll post her story soon... But for now, I needed to put that image to rest in my written words, and close my eyes.

May sleep find me soon.

Azure Starwish
Community Member
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