... what am I even doing
Was there a .... reason why I started doing my Journal like I have done?
I try to read back on what I've written, and it just sorta... happened.
No explanation. Zero motivation.
Just... Poof ....and there it was.
A man who has no story-telling skills of any kind,
writing a day-to-day log on the goings on of a mad scientist.
Or rather, a ******** mild one i guess.
You know, that was the idea all along.
I wanted this character to be totally and utterly out of his ******** mind.
....but at the same time , a TRUE brilliant inventor of ....
Well just about everything that can be a subject.
Cruel to strangers , a viable truck of HATE to those he disliked ,
but unusually friendly and calm around friends and those he enjoyed.
He was ment to be a person who hated his Time-"esk" powers.
Hence why he got rid of them.... to focus on just study.
A monster, in every sense of the word, he was ment to be
someone where I can go as dark as i wanted to go, but
still come out someone whom is kind and enjoyable to be around.
........And I feel I failed him.
Before Neo rediscovered me, i was briefly known as RiddleFiddle.
Mostly cause I found out that was the name of my *-**** account, as
well as my *** account.... a mistake i wanted to fix.
I was still very VERY unsure about " Tyme " as a name, but
when I started to meet folk it just stuck....
One thing let to another, and this... character ....was finally created.
And right from the start, I knew I doomed him to fail. I could feel it.
I wanted so much from this character.
SO many ideas, truly. But the lack of skill in writein , combined
with constant typos, and a wavering motivation that I battle already
with when it comes to my DRAWING art?
And then to top it off with a name i didnt like, tossed into a world
of new faces and experiences, and .... RP .....
....At some point , i have to face the truth .
I hate what this character has become.
Not that I hate " HIM " per-say.
The idea of an Albino Abomination of Homuncli , with tentacles as legs?
AND he's a mad scientist? THAT part of him is ******** kick a**.
But.... it's story ..... HIS story.... is one that I am just not telling well.
And honestly, i'm tired of liein to myself about it ya know?
Like, I dont ever correct anyone now-days when they still call me
Tyme, but i've been making a solid effort to change my name to
Valentine, if not as a " last name " , as an overall. Both names
are still a strong part of my online identity .
.... I dont like how I am trying to tell a story , when in truth I don't
even HAVE a story to tell. Nothing motivates me to do it, and
there's nothing to ... well DO.
Then there's this whole thing about gaia's condition, and im
not even WANTING to dirge through that can of worms right now.
I guess ....
As I'm sitting here in the dark , at least 4 or 5 or so hours past
when I should've gone and got some sleep, I'm left with a question.
" So what now ? "
I meen, im not gonna quit gaia, as long as it stays online.
But the differences between myself , and this... scientist " oc "
is so vast at this point... I can't even consider it ME anymore.
It IS a lie.
....does that even make it bad? a problem? probably not.
But it's a story that's not being told good.
And if anyone knows the REAL me, they know, the only thing i care for is the story.
If the story's good, i cherish it.
If not, my hate knows no limits....
It's just always been that way.
" What Now " ?
I've sat here, staring at the Submit option for at least... 26 mins now.
· Thu Dec 27, 2018 @ 04:30am · 0 Comments