It's 6:30 a.m. at the time I'm writing this, so that's about par for the course. I never really used the Journal function before...and I doubt I'll remember to do this past this early morning random post because I can be arsed to keep up with an actual journal. But tonight, I've got the inkling to write - and the timing seems right. I officially decided to come back to this site yesterday, despite the..negativity that's come out of it in the past, and not having any of my items that I had become attached to. I think there's only one person who's genuinely happy to see me back - not that I blame anyone, I'm a bonafide narcissistic a*****e. But Gaia called and I just had to answer.
Okay, enough rambling. Here it goes.
Guess I'm just thinking back on my time here. All the way back to like...2003/04 when I first joined. Girl named Caitlin when I was in a catholic private school showed me this site. I didn't think much of it at first. I would be off and on for a few months...until I discovered what roleplaying was. Holy s**t. I could pretend I was some character from my favorite video game and no one would bat an eye. Hovering from roleplaying threads in the CB like Girls Trapped in the Forest, School for the Demonically Gifted, etc. That pretty much made up the bulk of the first half of my lifetime here.
There were times where I'd end up taking a break from anywhere between a few months to I think about a year. Lots of changes, lots of people I've never met, with a handful that still managed to hang around. Only a fraction that I think still hang around this site. Things started to get a lot more personal...or maybe all the s**t I wasn't able to iron out within myself finally bubbled over the surface. Either way, I ended up coming to this site in order to help with the feeling of loneliness rather than just a place to have some fun. I think I became almost dependent...and when the interactions with the people I've had on here wasn't enough, it started to affect them. It made me a horrible person (and a worse friend). The break I had was absolutely needed to fix this.
Relationships, most of them ended up bad. I think almost entirely because of me - I want to say that they had legitimate bases, but that seems...irresponsible to say. I don't want to make it seem like I'm trying to push off blame because I'm not. Maybe I had legitimate reasons as to what would ultimately make me push SOs away, but the way I handled myself and refused to communicate was not. I let little things eat away at me and refuse to say anything about them. Mostly out of fear of it seeming like I'm being too overbearing by bringing up trivial grievances. Communication is something I horribly struggle with. It's made some bumps in my current relationship too, but I've been better, I think. Lil Purrito has been really understanding with me, luckily.
But hooooooo boy. Guess that leaves the time leading up to perma-ban. That dependency on this site to help fill the lonely void ended up making me incredibly toxic. It was my birthday, and I guess that was when I realized that I really didn't have any friends, especially with an incident that just happened to occur too. I imploded, said many times that I wanted to commit suicide and I became the a*****e I am today. I'm incredibly ashamed of myself. I'm sorry to the people that ended up at the end of that...you didn't deserve that.
I thought about outright addressing a few people at the end of this...but that seems like a horrible idea. So I'll end this here! Not sure how often I'll use this...but it's a nice way to get thoughts off my mind while I lack a place to do so.
If you've read this far, I can only wonder why, but thank you for doing so anyways.
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