It’s almost a year since I wrote my thoughts on here. I don’t know where to start. Overall, I feel mixed – positive and negative feelings to the point where I can’t distinguish myself. Of course I have good and bad experience but in the end, they leave me with a lesson or blessed moment. First of all, I once again lost my love relationship who I thought he is the one who I am going to spend my life with and grow old together. When I lost him, I feel abandoned. I gave my everything to make this relationship last and it became meaningless. I deserve a reason but I have to get that reason from my friend. It made me realize that it’s better to just let things be. I told myself that I am going to be alone at the end of the day and I will always be lonely. It’s a reality that I struggle to accept for countless days because I don’t come after them. It takes strength and commitment to show how much I care. For couple of weeks after that moment, I realize that I have to become a better mature person for the sake of myself and the others around me.
This brings to the second point: expectations. I usually have expectations from people because of their behavior. The more I see their behavior occasionally, the more expectations that I’m building because I would be willing to do that much for them to show how much I care about them. I want to get along with them. I want to have that connection. I want to have that friendship. I want to have that relationship. I realize that after I got abandoned, I stop building expectations that I had for my friends, family and my future. I throw it to the ground and walk away. I’ve been there many times. Sad, Guilt, and Dissappointment.
That is why I need to take a break from pixel life. I care about you all, but I need to stop myself from caring too much because I have a soft heart with scars and bruises. I wish I could take a break from real life, but I am still living somewhere in this world, trying to move forward and never look back. I am done chasing what I want. I am simply going to walk on my own pace with no expectations or dreams or goals that lies ahead of me. I am sick of building expectations and get broken at the end. Again and Again and Again….
You know what sad after reading this. This girl is so used to feeling lonely, heartbroken and empty that she does not know what to feel or how to feel. Her happiness is gone forever. Everything that she lost is and always will be her fault.
· Mon Sep 24, 2018 @ 05:23am · 0 Comments