Tomorrow was supposed to be my suicide day. My bot is still posting messages to my account. When I was brought back to life it was the worst experience for me. My whole body hurt. I wouldn't stop vomiting up pieces of my stomach. I couldn't move. I was in and out of consciousness.That was the worst day of my life. Not only did I have to live with being alive at that moment, but I felt like absolute garbage.
Feelings are confusing as ********. I have no idea what I feel anymore. Do I actually get feelings for people or do I just like the affection and attention they give me? I started talking to Mark again. I don't know how that will go. Same with Damian. At least with Damian I can keep him close enough away, but Mark wants to attach all the time. I've also been attempting to build confidence, just so I can please someone else. My life is pathetic. Everything I do is always for someone else.
I'm finally starting to lose feelings for R, which is good. Now I'm dating Oliver, and he's really sweet, but it's always in the back of my mind "what if he is going to hurt me". I also can't keep up a conversation for s**t, so that's great. I don't know what he sees in me if I'm going to be honest. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to be alive or to forever exist in the void.
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