I sent a carefully worded apology to my AM's email. I didn't immediately feel better and continued to worry that it wouldn't have it's full effect without some kind of message telling him that the email exists. After all, old emails get drowned in spam really quickly and regularly. Leaving a small sticky note on his desk was way more stressful than it should've been. I'm not sure why but I think I'm a little scared of his reaction. At first I was both worried that he'd just throw it back in my face because he'd think that it's not really damage one could apologize for or he would ask to talk to me. I can handle the latter if it's not combined with the former. I wanted to know what kind of a reaction he was experiencing but I suppose it would be fairly private for him. Because I haven't heard anything, it feels like he may have even moved on and is just ignoring my attempts at reconciliation. I suppose it still helps me, even if it doesn't help him, because I've owned up to something that doesn't exactly make me feel like a good person. The weight that lifted off of my mind today was notable though and I do feel like I've turned a newer leaf. I don't really feel like I've actually left him behind. If anything, I feel somewhat fonder of him and grateful, despite all of the BS and pain, that we had a relationship at all. I still feel pretty sad about how it ended and that my reaction was just to run as far away as I could but it is what it is now. Overall, I think the situation has matured and I'm willing to accept whatever reality has to throw at me. My next block is trying to understand that I seriously considered leaving SM when our apartment was under threat from his two month joblessness. I'm trying to figure out my emotions for him and how they have changed. I definitely don't see him the same way as I did prior to his five times changing jobs for his mission to get treated better at work. There's still a lot to unpack.
Edit: well he wrote back. I'm 100% certain he moved on now. I guess I'm free again.
Edit: it ******** stings, I'm considering taking tomorrow off as a "sick day" if this mood continues. I just don't want to do anything in the same place as him right now. I'm exhausted and the idea that this was all a delusion makes me feel suicidal. The idea of this being something that my brain does every time I'm questioning a partnership is a little too much.
Le Visage Inconnu
· Tue Apr 24, 2018 @ 11:48pm · 0 Comments