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Little Black Book of Eventually Read Secrets
Baby Journal #4
This morning was off to a rough start.
At 5:30, I'm up and in the washroom, sick to my stomach. And to add insult to injury, when I wipe, there's blood.
I know to expect this.
I know the doctor told me this was normal, with a condition like mine.
But I'm pregnant.
And when you're pregnant, there isn't supposed to be any blood.
Blood is just a sign that something isn't right.
Its just a reminder that you could lose this baby.

I crawl back into my bed and let my husband know I'm on bedrest today. He's says alright and pulls me close, and I fall back asleep.

Hours pass. He's eventually gone when our son's ramblings come across the monitor, and I wake up in a bed alone. Its quiet, other than the sound of the birds outside, and the white noise from my fan. Its almost 10:30, and as I lay on my side, slightly contorted from a fitful sleep, I stare at the wall blankly.

I dream about you. All the time. I dream about this little baby I'm going to hold in my arms. I dream about nursing you. About loving you. About watching you grow. Hearing those little sounds newborns make, seeing these little features and expressions as they develop.

I dream about you all the damn time. Yet there's blood. And these dreams are sacred instead of common place. In my dreams, you're safe, you're mine, you're alive. In my body though...I don't trust my body...After all. You're perfectly healthy. I saw you myself. But it's my uterus. My body. Its me.

I eventually text Aaron to bring me up a few things, and when he comes up, I'm still on my side, but now I'm crying softly. Silently. He frowns as he places my things on the table and sits beside me, asking me if I'm okay. I went to the washroom before he came up, and yet, there was still blood.

I explain to him the heartache. That I know I'm supposed to expect this, but it still hurts so much every time. And how scared I am. I'm terrified. When you think about it, 2 cm isn't that small, when your uterus is just the size of a baseball. Your baby is just the size of a 5 cent coin.

It hurts.

But I have to keep telling myself. I can't stress. I just have to tell myself, "We're going to be okay.". Because we will. This will pass, one way or another, and I have to believe that on the other side of this heartache, there will be you, baby. I just have to believe.

Today I'm 7 weeks, 2 days. You are half an inch, the size of a blueberry, with a strong heart and a developing nervous system. Your brain is growing so fast, and your ears and eyes are developing. By next week, you'll have doubled in size, and achieved so much.

Keep growing strong, baby.

Another 33 weeks to go.

Azure Starwish
Community Member
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