I can't stop thinking about you.
I find myself constantly thinking about that ultrasound, and that little heart. Its slowly sinking in that I'm actually, really, pregnant. I know that's silly. I mean, technically speaking, I'm almost 9 weeks into this (I know you're only 7 weeks tomorrow. But it's been 2 months since my last period.), I've had lots of time for this to sink it. But it didn't really, truly occur to me, till I went to the hospital. Till I was faced with the true fear of losing you. And then when I saw you.
Now I can't stop thinking about you. I get dreams lately, where I'm holding a baby girl. Will you be a girl? Or am I going to have another boy? We've already got your names picked out. We really do want you.
Last night I was talking to your father while he was at work, and told him something is weird. I keep trying to do the math, but it doesn't match up. Your 6 weeks 7 days today. If I go back in the calendar, and count that out, it falls during my period. The period where I thought I had a miscarriage. Right in the middle of it.
I don't want to get my hopes up. But...Maybe I never lost you to begin with. Maybe you're the baby I thought I lost. Maybe all that blood was me hemorrhaging? That's perhaps what caused the tear inside me?
The thought of it makes me happy. I was so devastated when I thought I miscarried. My heart is still heavy at the notion. But I'm wondering, maybe, just maybe, those faint positives was the tests picking up on my HCG spike somehow. That maybe the cramping was implantation cramping gone wrong.
Maybe I never lost you. Would that be so horrible to think? To wish? It makes sense. More sense than the idea that I somehow conceived you while I was in the midst of lost. Not to mention I was out of town, as well. No. We hadn't even had sex in over a week before I started to bleed. There's no way I could've conceived during my period.
Maybe you just are my little miracle baby.
· Thu Apr 19, 2018 @ 06:05pm · 0 Comments